About three months ago, while I
travelled to visit some relatives, my car broke down as I was passing through a
small village named Tamboroke in South Carolina. The village was extremely
run-down: all of the buildings were stained with rainwater and the signs on the
shops were barely hanging on. There was also a strange and strong smell of
formaldehyde, as if I was standing inside a pyramid in ancient Egypt. There was
something else about this village as I walked through… Something that made me
feel as if I stood next to a great God or Goddess, but no beautiful goddess
like Isis. No. This was something far more sinister and beyond my
comprehension.
After searching for a few minutes, I
found an auto repair shop. Moby’s Repair Shop. Compared to the rest of the
village, the garage was in good condition. I walked up to whom I now presume to
be Moby. He was a shifty, rat-like man, with spectacles topping his long,
crooked nose. One would imagine him to be a car salesman over a car repairman.
“What do ya need help with?” he asked before I could get a word in. “My ‘78
Honda Prelude broke down about half a mile from here. I think something is
wrong with carburetor.” I replied. Something did not feel right while I talked
to Moby and his obviously fake smile. Regrettably, I shook the feeling off and
carried about the conversation. “Do you know if there is somewhere I can stay
the night while you fix my car?”
“There is a Motel 6 down the road. I
can holler at you when the car’s done. I can’t promise when it’ll be done but I
think it should be good to go in a couple of days.”
I nodded and adjourned to the motel
as the sun started to set behind the trees encompassing the village. I settled
into the room and started to drift to sleep in the hard and uncomforting bed.
In the other room next to mine, I heard rhythmic thumping. It went thump, thump
thump, thump thump thump in that repeated pattern. I thought at first that it
was the neighbor doing his laundry. Even if it was not, I did not want to be
rude and stop a local resident from doing God knows what. That night I dreamt
of the most horrendous nightmares that anyone could dream of. Half of it I
could not even comprehend but one image stood out to me; A hooded figure the
size of a planet, donned in a deep purple robe and tentacles spewing from the
bottom of the void hood where a face should be, whispered inconceivable words
into my head.
The next morning I woke up in a cold
sweat, shaken by the terrifying nightmare, trying to make sense of the ungodly
whispers forced into my mind. After pondering, I went to the local diner to eat
some breakfast. Similar to the appearance on the outside, the inside felt
completely abandoned; no one dined except for me. The solitude waitress wore a
fake smile, similar to Moby’s but with a more sinister intention. After the
awkward meal, the day went on without much importance. While I drowsed, the
absurd pattern started yet again. Thump, thump thump, thump thump thump. It was
worse that night, though; it got louder and louder. It felt as if my neighbor
was banging against the inside of my skull. I could not sleep with the
incessant banging. So, I left my bed of springs and went to the neighbor’s
door.
I tapped the door with the ends of
my fingers as to not disturb any of the neighbors, but that light tapping
transitioned into a hard knock. No one answered the door, yet the thumping did
not stop. In fact, it grew louder; I did not know whether it was coming from my
mind or my neighbor’s room. I tried the doorknob and to my luck, it was
unlocked. I traipsed into the formaldehyde smelling room as the thumps turned
to thunder. There I saw a scrawny man sitting on a chair, tapping the armrest
in sync with the booming sounds. I yelled at him to stop but he ignored my
presence. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of clutching the man’s arm.
Although the thumps stopped, they became the violent whispers that I cannot
shed the memory of, no matter how hard I try. My vision faded to white as the
whispers possessed my body and before I lapsed, the last image that burns my
memory is that of the man. His decomposing head tilted back behind the chair in
an inhuman matter while the tentacles from my nightmare spewed from the lipless
mouth.
I awoke in a ditch off the side of
the road near the border of North Carolina beside my intact Prelude. Dazed and
confused, I continued my journey to my relatives. Not knowing whether or not
this was all a dream, I decided to go back to Tamboroke on my way home. While
travelling home from my relatives, and all later travels, I could never find
Tamboroke despite seeing its location on my Atlas. I think I am starting to
understand what those ominous whispers meant...
Your use of vivid imagery made me feel as if I was actually in the story, witnessing everything that was happening to the main character and feeling his same suspense and emotions. -Taylor Clayton
ReplyDeleteWow! Your piece was really captivating and your use of such vivid imagery made me want to continue reading. Your writing was really descriptive and it made me feel as if I was actually in the story. I loved the ominous tone it had to it as well. Great job!! - Lexi Gomez, P4
ReplyDeleteYour use of detail was amazing. I love the vague ending and how you leave the reader thinking about what really happened. -Genesis Mendoza Per.3
ReplyDeleteI like the modern tone how involved I felt throughout the story, nice!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your work because of the imagery and detail , the ending was a nice touch because you left a little mystery .
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job on being descriptive and using vivid imagery. Great choice of syntax through your piece
ReplyDeleteI love how in the end I was left with sort of like a mystery and mind blown moment. Your use of detail and imagery made it really enjoyable! great job :)
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this so much! and it definitely fits the month of October. The imagery and details in this piece really made me feel like I was in the story and this was just written so well. It also leaves the reader with a great deal of imagination regarding the interpretation of the meaning of the occurrences in the story; very mysterious and suspenseful. -Kayla Leonard
ReplyDeleteThis was so descriptive I got chills as I read. It was the scariest thing to read at midnight. You managed to create an aura of mystery and menace with your words.
ReplyDeleteI loved the detail throughout the poem, it really evokes vivid images which made me want to continue reading. The timing of this piece was great given that Halloween was earlier this week.
ReplyDeleteThe detail and eerie diction in the story definitely made it more interesting to read. I love how original the story is, definitely not over played or something you read everyday. This sounds like a plot to a Twilight Zone episode!
ReplyDeletethis one was actually really interesting, had to write a spooky tale for october. The detail and imagery was great though, and the ending really makes you wonder...
ReplyDeleteThis story was very descriptive i love the use of imagery and detail throughout the entire piece it helped give of a mysterious vibe. - lexy m
ReplyDeleteBrandon, this story had me beyond scared and, despite that, I enjoyed it. I loved how you built suspense. The subtle eeriness! The narrator's misfortune at breaking down in Tamboroke! The creepy fake smiles! The increasing volume of the neighbor's thumping! It was a splendid read.
ReplyDelete-Lauren Whightsil
The imagery is just perfect. It really coincided with your piece and even the detail as well was just spot on! -Mercedes Bradford
ReplyDeleteI liked how you kept the story a mystery, because of that, I was hooked in the story and couldn’t stop reading. -Erick Lucero period 4
ReplyDeleteThis piece had me in suspense the entire time. The diction and imagery were tantalizing, and they painted images in my head such that I felt as though I was having the dream and hearing the whispers you described, among other things. Nice job
ReplyDelete-André Perez
The use of vivid imagery is a strong suit you should stick to. Gosh, the suspense!!
ReplyDeleteThis story is one of a kind. I really enjoyed the mysterious and suspenseful tone throughout the story. I also enjoyed the eending of the story keeping the reader thinking even after the story is over.
ReplyDeleteYour story was absolutely captivating. From the very beginning with your vivid imagery and allusions you ekpt me wanting more. Great job.
ReplyDeleteA great rendition of a Lovecraftian tale; The plot, tone, and thematic were all there. It's always great to see people who are still being influenced by Lovecraft's work still to this day.
ReplyDeleteThis piece is so good! As I was reading it I was beginning to feel paranoid and wanting to check over my shoulder. I love all of the imagery and description from the appearance of the town to the rat like man. Overall this is an extremely well written piece.
ReplyDeleteNot a detail was left of from this piece. I visualized exactly what you wanted me to see because you painted such a clear picture with your excellent diction. It was a very interesting piece to say the least. -Garett Flores
ReplyDeleteThe use of imagery and imagination was so vivid in this piece. I definitely felt as though I was in the situation and felt everything that the main character did. It had me in suspense. Very well done! -Savannah Diaz
ReplyDeleteGreat job with the imagery!! You’re story kept my interest throughout the story. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was incredibly descriptive. Very good use of imagery ro give the reader a picture in their head. Very good job keeping the reader engaged, and I loved the tone of mystery.
ReplyDeleteThe amount of imagery and suspense put into this story is just awesome!! This suspenseful story fit right into the halloween mood and gave me the creeps. I love the choice of words and the story in general!
ReplyDelete