It's September, the 24th day of the month. I awoke to a very
hot morning feeling like I was a chicken in the oven. The sun was already out,
throwing its violent rays into my eyes. I fall out of bed, shocked by the
amount of light hitting me. Light is running through my window attacking me, so
I go scrambling towards the window while still on the floor to close out the
evil enemies. The light disappears and I stay there sitting and thinking. Today
marked the birth of me, seventeen years on this planet, with the last seven
being a hell. No friends, no support, nobody for me.
Then came a sudden knock on my door.
"Are
you awake!"
"Sadly
yes..." I mumble under my breath to the voice behind the door.
"What?
Hello? Did you hear me! Wake u--"
"Yes I
heard you, now leave!" I reply wearily, getting up off the floor.
"Happy birthday to me, huh. This is gonna be a great
day." and I go on to get dressed.
7:32 and
the bus is running 5 minutes late. Not much of a big surprise. Some time later,
it finally arrives and I wait in the back for my turn to board a long yellow
rectangle. Last one on, and I walk past each aisle, full of friends or a person
with a bag taking the seat, saying "This inanimate object is much more
important than you." More important than me.
Row No. 17 on the left. A seat which is finally occupied by
no one or anyone's much more precious bag. I sit down feeling the glare of the
robot driving the bus.
7:56 and I
am at school, walking through the hallways. Seven hours of gruesome tasks to be
piled onto me to all be accomplished by the next day. Seven hours of being
surrounded by people, which I recognize but choose to ignore me. Seven hours of
loneliness in a place which I am not wanted nor recognized as human... Or is it
that they're the humans and I am the robot? Humans that ignore me. Me for being
strange.
I feel it.
That sensation... What is it?... Who are you!... What do you want from me, I
have harmed no one!... What do you want from me?
-THUD-
I see the floor approaching me. Quickly, as it is engulfing
me, light fading fast, but yet all happening oh so slow. Darkness. Snickering.
Evil presences surround me. Hatred. I am dying. Am I dying? Or perhaps I am
already dead. No one helps me and I feel the evil disappear as quick as it
came. Noises seem so distant, almost like a dream...
Silence.
I am lying on the floor for what feels an eternity; warmth
surrounding my head like a halo would an angel. Footsteps? I feel my body being
lifted up. Am I an angel?
"Aare youu ookaaay?" a soft soothing voice. Care
and gentleness radiate from somewhere. Something thick is falling and I hear a
gasp, very faint and far. It was as if someone shouted at me in a tunnel far,
far, and away. The darkness settles in...
I jump up,
breathless, my heart pounding so much I feel the blood in my head. I am in my
room. The clock to my right reads "6:00". I analyze my room and see
there is barely any light entering. I take a deep breath and feel the cool air
rush into my lungs. It feels like I haven't taken a breath in an eternity. I
close my eyes and can see faces of people flash through. Friendly people...
people who love me.
I was very scared that the speaker actually felt this way and her thoughts certainly struck a sad chord in me. I really admire how elegantly you told this story; the dream was realistic and something any person could relate to at one point or another in their own lives and that's how scary it is. Someone could feel so alone and so hated in the world, but be surrounded by so many people. The message of this story is extremely powerful and teaches some understanding to both sides of the spectrum. The spectrum being people who are total loners, detesting themselves, and people who are sociable with many friends. It's a lesson that the loners should try to reach out or appreciate others, and the sociable people should take care, as well, in case someone in their midst is truly unhappy. At least, that's how I took your story. Very well done, and I didn't see any noticeable grammar, punctuation, or vocab mistakes... Utter perfection in my book!
ReplyDeleteThis hits a nerve in me, I strongly believe no person should ever be alone. This piece truly shows how scary and terrible it can be to feel so alone, the harsh feelings definitely translate through. It reminds people to appreciate who they have in life and gives insight into a lonely life, which in my opinion is one no one should live. Great piece with a great message!!
ReplyDeleteAs sad as this story got I enjoyed it, it makes you realize that you should do nice things for others even if their tiny actions because we never know what's going on in other's lives or what they are thinking.
ReplyDeleteI loved your piece and the message that went along with it, no one should ever feel so alone. Wonderful piece!
ReplyDelete- Maite
I really like the build up you created because it gives the reader a good insight as to all the factors that are causing the character to feel isolated. I thought it was also very creative that you used the character's birthday because it creates an unique sense of irony that makes the change the character goes through seem so much stronger. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI like how you built up the suspense and then ended off as it being a dream. Written very well. Nice! -Naeomi Romero
ReplyDeleteDang. This story was really sad and took a huge turn in the end and actually had me quite confused so I went back and read it again! :) Overall, a great work, and this really makes me realize how selfish some people can be and how it really affects the people around them. Good piece and keep up the great work! :)
ReplyDeleteWow! Truly enjoyed the way you put this together, it was as if I could feel what the character was going through and I felt so bad. Made me realize that I should pay more attention to those around me and try to help them as much as I can. Beautifully written!! - Aileen Munoz
ReplyDeleteIn our assignment of writing comments I attempted to comment on pieces that I loved and can relate to. As you can see I'm commenting on this piece. Wonderful shift that occurs at the end of the story.
ReplyDeleteThe message of your story was conveyed extremely well! Well done!
ReplyDelete~Gregory Gomez
The piece is definitely relatable. The fact that it was the main character's birthday helps build the tone of sadness in the piece. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI liked how you showed a depressing theme in the beginning yet ended on a good note. It helps show your feelings as a writer and a person. -Joshua Kidwell
ReplyDeletewow such a creepy and depressing tone, yet artistic. the imagery you utilized totally supported the mood you set out in the work. very mysterious. good job.
ReplyDelete-Jose Zermeno
Great job! The shift at the end is a surprise however I like that it is not totally shocking its just a nice surprise that basically tells the reader that every thing is ok. -Luke Riddington
ReplyDeleteThe eerie tone in this is so unique compared to the other pieces. It really set it apart and made me love it for being different!
ReplyDelete-Marissa Putrick
The imagery in this piece is what really stood out to me! Great job and using these details to also strengthen your tone and convince the reader this person is isolated and lonely, but the twisting it into a dream at the end and giving at happy ending. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI already wrote my four comments, but you just absolutely deserve more praise. Great job, and the quip about someone's backpack being more important than you is the kind of thing that people overlook easily. A very intelligent observation.
ReplyDeleteKEEP ROCKING IT YO
-Chris Trevino
I really like your story because of the wonderful transition into it all being a dream. Before I knew it was all a dream I was very sad because this person was alone and not alone on any normal day but alone on their birthday and no body should be alone so i'm glad that it was all a dream and they weren't alone.
ReplyDeleteInteresting read! The conclusion was brought along nicely, and I appreciate your take on life. Not bad at all.
ReplyDeleteYou did an awesome job on this!!! I like it. This writing have a creepy tone, but anyway I like it.
ReplyDelete-Anita Kong
Wow I could totally relate to this piece because I never would want to be alone. Being alone for long periods of time seems scary and depressing just like the tone in your piece. I liked your piece very much, good job!
ReplyDelete-Jeremiah Eugenio
WOW! This story is really good. I could relate to this piece because I also felt lonely and never want to go to school last year. And I hate being alone. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI wish there was more to your piece! Your detail, imagery, and structure were all well used making it easy to follow without zoning out!
ReplyDelete-Diana Godinez