At first, I thought I was dead. As it turns out I found
myself in a pitch black hole, I felt the walls and the ground and it felt less
like dirt but more of a metallic feeling to it. I immediately tried to find a
way out of this unnatural hole only to find what happened outside. However when
I try to remember what happened before I woke up, I draw a blank. After a while
I feel a groove on one of the walls and released it, it was a lever within the
wall. I reach for it and pull down and push. I struggled because it seemed I
was asleep for a long time because my body was not used to extraneous
activities. Finally when the lever was pulled down and I pushed out, I saw a
grayish reddish sky with no clouds and a kind of fog or mist that appeared to
surround me like a devil’s aura. It was so silent not a single living creature
seemed to cry out for help or make their presence known. It was very warm not
cold surprisingly, it felt as if I had a fever. I could see no signs of plants,
grass or trees anywhere. What remained were ugly, disfigured carcasses of trees
or plants that seemed to look like demons dancing in the aura. Debris was
everywhere, papers with information from a lost era with announcements for
upcoming events. Pieces of houses and buildings were either still standing or
on the floor. As I took my first step out of the warm and “cozy” hole I noticed
two things, there was an infinite amount of dust on the ground and that I had
injuries. How I got these aches and pains I don’t know. I started limping my
way through the debris and rubble to find any sign of survivors. I smelled
burned flesh and decay, I felt as if I was walking through an ancient scene of
battle. I read the signs on the walls of destroyed buildings and signs that
were not destroyed by whatever hit this misfortunate area. I came to one of
these signs “PREPARE FOR THE WORST: VOTE RICK E. RESORT FOR YOUR NEXT PRESIDENT,
GOP PARTY” I read more and found out it was the year 2085, but when I tried to
read more the piece was missing lost in this graveyard. I walked more and saw
more, a once proud school in ruins. The red and black colors with eagles. A
place where people went to learn now a wasteland for the unknown. I saw old
shops a red target sign lying next to cars trying to escape whatever was the
inevitable doom that they were facing. A broken bridge leading to the other
side blocked my way of going to the other side and I climbed down and started
walking on the empty freeway. I came across a fallen airplane, the reek of the
gasoline offending my nose and I carefully walked by. I could see the dead
passengers, their last moments imprinted like ice in their decaying last
positions. Walking on the empty 15 freeway as I saw because of the sign
obstructing cars, I suddenly remembered who I was. Well I looked in my back
pocket and found my driver’s license it said Keith Tesfaye, nineteen years old,
and born on June sixth 2066. I made sure
by looking at a side view mirror on a wrecked car. I walked for nearly 3 hours
until I reached an eerie place. There were countless heads on sticks, body
parts on the floor and an infinite amount of blood everywhere. The flies flew
everywhere, this was their idea of a grand feast of decay. I was suddenly
rushed by a half-naked man with a spear. His eyes were red and a terrible
amount of spit and mucus was dangling from his half open mouth. The savage
Hissed and bared his rotten teeth “Are you……DEAD!?!” I jumped back and in shock
did not answer him right away. “I said……have you…..DIE!?!” I was so paralyzed
with fear that I still could not open my mouth to answer his peculiar question.
I barely shook my head and the savage’s eyes widen and he tilted his head
giving me a face that would be etched in my mind for an eternity. I looked behind him and found more savages, all
of their faces disfigured. The Leader who I was speaking to suddenly straighten
up and point at me. “YOU JOIN US……NOW” and then I knew no more as blackness
covered my eyes.
TO BE CONTINUED
So I'm guessing that this story is Mad Max: Fontana Edition? I always loved the setting of post-apocalyptic wastelands in stories, and it was cool to see it imagined in my own hometown. Can't wait for the rest of the story....
ReplyDeleteVivid imagery and an intriguing tale. Some separating into paragraphs would better your work, otherwise, very skilled writing. I applaud you sir, and eagerly await the continuation.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was really interesting to read as it kind of reminded me of Lord of the Flies which was really interesting. The setting is depicted in really great detail and it was a fun surprise when it was revealed it took place in Fontana. I commend you for the originality and for making it so involving as it ended, leaving the reader feeling engaged to to the character and curious about the outcome.
ReplyDeleteThat was really good, I loved when you compared the sky to the "devil's aura" I really hope there's a second part.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very interesting and the imagery was really authentic. I also really liked the cliffhanger at the end. Great job!
ReplyDeleteDope story. Captivating diction and story. Honestly I wish there was more.
ReplyDeleteThe imagery was great! It definitely gave me the sense that I was the main character, walking through some demented "Fontana". Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe writing was very creative and depicted the situation perfectly. Imagery was a very impactful part of this piece of literature. -Joshua Kidwell
ReplyDeleteVery suspenseful. I was left very curious on what had happened and what is to happen in the future to this character. Pretty intense imagery for all the senses. I could vividly imagine what was occurring.
ReplyDeleteThe very well described scenery formed the imagery and suspense of the piece which was very intriguing as the main character continued explaining what he saw. The ending was very strong sense it left the audience very curious to what had happened and why the setting was so deadly, the fact that your ending was left to be continued helped formed the overall suspense of the piece and the questioning of the audience. -Jennifer Rodriguez
ReplyDeleteVery well use of imagery the piece was one of a kind very creative I found this really interesting and wish there was more to read
ReplyDeleteThe story really made me feel as if I was walking through Fontana in a post apocalyptic era. Great imagery and descriptive detail. I hate the cliff hanger at the end only because I really want to know what else you have to write. Great story.
ReplyDelete-Ethan Donnelly p.4
this piece was "different" but in a good way. it was indeed very creative and i enjoyed it very much
ReplyDeleteSuper creative and suspenseful! I wish I could come up with a story like that haha!! Great Job, nice suspense at the end!
ReplyDelete-Maddie Alegria
I liked the imagery as much as I liked the suspense, you managed to balance these to elements well, keep up the good work
ReplyDeleteI loved this piece, the detail and the scenes that you described were fantastic. I kept wanting to read more and more. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteI really like your choice of words such as "devil's aura" it gave this piece a creepier and more sinister tone.
ReplyDelete-Sean Monsalve
Really intense read! Your use of imagery allows the reader to also the environment described in the plot. Good Work!
ReplyDeletevery interesting and fun to read, good job. I love the way you put kept the good part till the end made me reflect.
ReplyDeleteFirst off this story better be continued because at this point I don't just want to know I need to know what in the world is going on. So with out a doubt the story is enthralling and I can't wait to read more. Good job using the area we all know as the setting, it makes it easier to visualize what is happening and how everything looks. -Luke Riddington
ReplyDeleteWell the story had a good start but i feel as though i was never given an ending. I don't know if that was the intentions so as to leave me wanting more lol but i would have prefered a conclusion to the chaos that was occurring in the story. You did very well with imagery details so that the reader was able to visualize when and where the event was happening and the feelings of the person going through the chaos and fear.
ReplyDeleteReymie Morris
Vivid imagery and great introduction. I hope you continue this story! You have a natural skill in writing :>
ReplyDeleteReally nice use of imagery to paint a vivid picture for the reader. I could almost see the post-apocalyptic world you described, good job!
ReplyDeleteReally great imagery, lots of descriptive words to really get the reader feel like they are actually there and can see it all in their minds. I also like how you connected with your audience by using the school and all the places around here that we know.
ReplyDeleteAmazing imagery that made me feel like I was in the world you created! I could fully imagine the dark and obscure world you described!
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I wish you could have combed out the grammatical, word choice, and punctuation errors, but overall not a bad story. Nice job man.
ReplyDelete"To Be Continued..." The worst possible words to hear ever!! Brilliant writing! i want to know what happens next! Part 2? Or possibly the next apocalyptic TV show?
ReplyDeleteLove the use of imagery in the story and you kill it with use of descriptive detail. Good job!
ReplyDelete-Blue Andrade
I loved how you wrote this piece, it was full of suspense and excitement. I hope you keep writing because I truly want to know what happens next c: You did a great job!.
ReplyDelete-Jeremiah Eugenio
This story reminds me of a creepy-pasta that I read as a child, I enjoyed it very much.
ReplyDeleteI admire the use of vivid detailed descriptions and imagery to give us a picture of the bleak world that encompasses the character.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very interesting and kind of disturbing to me. I liked because your diction was very strong and it catched my attention. - kaelin bone
ReplyDeleteI liked your descriptive detail because it game me a great image of the area we know. I shocked their need to be a second part, I enjoyed the story because not only did you leave me curious for what you write next Great Job!
ReplyDeleteYou instantly grabbed my attention with the first sentence alone. The imagery was perfectly relayed.
ReplyDeleteGOP candidate? Is this a foreshadowing... Kidding! I love the allusions to our local geography. Good job
ReplyDelete