Monday, October 26, 2015
Marissa--Jane Doe
My head hurts from all the complaining patients and their endless needs. What about my needs? I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. I want my pillow adjusted. I never knew bags under my eyes could be permanent until now. “Lily, you’re needed in room 210.” The high pitch voice of my boss sends angry chills down my spine. If you look up fake in the dictionary, her name would be written in bold letters, Miranda Burton. I imagine a picture of her showcasing her poorly lined lips and atrociously long nails. I chuckle at the thought. “Copy that, Burty.” I salute her. Two things she hates that I do. She grimaces at me before turning away. I swiftly grab the chart before entering the room that smells of plastic gloves and antiseptics. Written in the name spot is ‘Jane Doe,’ which I have been seeing a lot recently. I see the burns on the woman's face, and instantly feel sympathy for her. There’s no way they will be able to fix that. I gather all the equipment I need to clean the burns, softly dabbing the cotton balls on her skin. Even though she is asleep, I can almost feel her pain as I clean the torn flesh. I read on the chart she should be waking up soon. I’m hoping I’ll be done before that. My hopes turn to dust as her eyes begin to slowly open. When she sees me, her eyes widen and she grabs hold of my hand pulling me closer to her. I back away but she’s very strong, and despite her wounds she doesn’t let go. She is trying to speak, but all that I hear are muffled words as if duct tape were over her mouth. “Ma’am it’s alright. I’m here to help.” My attempts to soothe her fail. I look into her swollen eyes and an odd familiar feeling washes over me. I reach for the red button behind the bed to call for another nurse. Not a moment passes when she arrives and carefully pries the woman's hand from mine. As the other nurse, Isobel, attempts to calm the woman, I inject a sedative into her IV. The woman's wild eyes calm and her black and blue eyelids fall shut. “Poor lady.” Isobel shakes her head, staring at the now sleeping body in front of us. “It’s life.” I say, shrugging my shoulders. Saying this is the only way I keep myself from having a mental breakdown. I like to think that it helps. I'm sitting at lunch when I see Burty headed towards me with her giant lunch bag. If I have to sit through another lunch with her I might lose it. Burty sits down next to me and without skipping a beat she’s going on about her grandkids and how she can’t wait to see them. I know one thing I can’t wait for, lunch to be over. My pager startles me when it starts buzzing uncontrollably. It reads that it's an emergency in room 210. I shuffle out from behind the receptionist's desk, and rush to the room with the unknown woman. The sound of sobbing and nurses yelling stings my ears as I get closer. I enter to see three nurses all trying to calm this one, hopeless woman.
"What's going on?" I shout over the noise, meanwhile trying to control my racing heart. I have to tell myself not to panic, otherwise I'll only add to the mess taking place in front of me. "She's in pain, but she won't say where." One of them replies. I roll my eyes and push past them. "Yelling at her won't help." I shoot them each a glare before turning to the woman. She grabs my hand like it's the last thing she'll do, and because of her desperation I don't make any attempt to pull away. I look into her eyes, ignoring the familiar feeling, "I need you to calm down. I know it hurts, but I can't help unless you calm down." I say in my calmest voice. It works, but sobs still escape her lips and she hasn't let go of my hand. "I'm going to help. I promise." With these words she slowly nods her head and her sobs stop. "Okay, don't try and speak. Just nod your head, can you do that?" She nods. "Do you think you are able to write?" She nods again. I let out a breath before I pick up the clipboard containing all of her information. I place the pen in her weak hand and the paper underneath it. "Can you write your name?" She is barely able to press down on the paper, but she does enough to where I can see the letters MOM. This doesn't make sense. The woman's eyes become wide and the machines start blaring with their beeping noises. The nurses, still in the room from before, rush to help me save this woman's life. In the commotion of all the nurses doing different tasks to figure out the source of the complication, one of them moves her gown exposing her left shoulder. My heart sinks. I see the small tattoo and the familiarity of her eyes, her desperate clinging onto my hand, and the letters written on the paper cause tears to spill out of my eyes. This is my mom. The beeping continues, growing louder and louder along with the orders my colleagues are shouting at each other. My mom's eyes shut, and the machines are still blaring. This time a different sound then seconds before. It's now steadily humming, and the room falls dead silent. I stare in disbelief before putting my hands on her chest and pushing, trying to bring my mother's still body back to life. I feel like I'm in a dream when the nurses pull me away from her. Everything starts to move slower. In an instant, everything changed.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This is probably my favorite story i have read. It really got to me and it was a real shocking moment. When she wrote MOM i knew something was going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI really loved this piece! The narrator's personality really shone through and let you grasp at how she was as an individual. The ending proved to be a really good plot twist that I was not expecting! Awesome job, the imagery was really good and it was a great read.
ReplyDeleteWhere do I even beginning, from beginning to end the entire piece was riveting and intriguing, constantly making you want to read onward. The twist at the end was honestly heart-wrenching. Such an amazing story.
ReplyDelete- Alyssa Tandoc, Period 4
Well done Marisa! I enjoyed this piece so much because I felt that you truly pulled this out from inside of yourself. If you write with passion like this all year you will do great
ReplyDelete- David Tucker
Wow! A very intriguing piece considering that the medical field is a notable interest of mine. I loved the methods in which you established the speaker as a common character as the story went on, full with emotion and opinion as well. Including the revelation towards the latter half really brought me to my senses, but a little mystery to the story opened up another dimension that left us readers wanting more. Great job.
ReplyDeleteGreat story!!! Everything about it was so good from the build up where i felt i knew the character personally to the climax where you surprise the reader that the woman in the hospital was the woman's mom! Also the foreshadowing clues that the person knew the narrator added to the suspense and made it even better! Good job!
ReplyDeleteHi Marissa, I love you... and this piece! I know I sort of cheated since you let me read this before it was posted but it is really well done and my heart still hurts because of it. You did a great job of building up the plot and not giving away the ending till, well, the ending. I definitely didn't see it coming! It's nice to know that she was kind and patient with the woman even before realizing their connection and i think that her mother is proud. Oh boy, my heart. Good job (still love you).
ReplyDelete-Kayla Salas
Oh, Marissa, your story is so wonderful! The style and the voice of the narrator, so relatable. The message isn't forced yet it's resounding, "In an instant, everything changed." It's resolved but it's not, the reader is left with the cold truth and it's upsetting and provocative. The writers who can do this are some of the most talented around and, honestly, you should keep writing. Expand your skills and talent, in other words, I give you a round of applause, my friend :)
ReplyDeleteReally good work on this writing. It was an excellent story with nice pacing and detail. The revelation at the end is a great way to culminate the story.
ReplyDelete-Didi Amarasekara
wow. I really love this! From the beginning i was getting a sense of the character and almost relating to her in the way that i started wondering if i would ever end up feeling that way. The twist with the woman being her mom was truly unexpected and i could feel it in my heart! All the beeping and frantic scenery was so vivid in my mind it was amazing!
ReplyDeleteI knew it! When you were read the paper that said "Jane Doe" i knew the patient was going to be your mom. Anyways, great job. I like the tired annoyed tone at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteMarissa, Wow! This piece was simply perfection. Your precise description of the character and events occurring kept me super intrigued and that plot twist was so smoothly placed, it added beautifully to the whole effect of the story. You have a gift. Loved it, Great job!! - Aileen Munoz
ReplyDeleteThis story is so amazing. I loved how well you established the narrators personality throughout the story thus getting us readers a sort of attachment to character by which made a greater affect on us once the tragedy occurred. I also enjoyed the suspense of the story on who this Jane doe was, what happened to her, and why the narrator was so familiar with her eyes. It was all so intense and captivating, well done.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I'm left speechless. You kept my attention from the first sentence to the last, so that at the close of your piece, I was left feeling that same sense of loss, pain, and numbness that the speaker did. I loved that through dialogue and the overall thoughts of the speaker you were able to create a woman with a tough exterior but a rather soft sympathetic interior. This was what made your story come to life. Each sentence seemed to flow perfectly and build on one another creating a suspenseful tone. You made me feel like, I was actually there, and I loved every minute of it. Great job!
ReplyDeletePavia Omolewa
P.4
Great story! The climax was definitely a twist and caught me off guard. From what seemed like a typical work day, turned out to be one of the most emotionally draining times.
ReplyDeleteThis story really got my attention, from the beginning I was hooked. I loved the end, it brought chills down my spine knowing it was her mom, you're an extraordinary writer.
ReplyDelete-Naeomi Romero
Wow...... This piece..... Wow. The way the story was building and the great surprise that left me astonished. It was like you pulled me into the story. This was a beautiful piece and you did a amazing job.
ReplyDeleteWow. Really like the use of foreshadowing here, when Burty starts to talk about how she is excited to see her Grandchildren, but the speaker's mom won't be able to see her own grandchildren since she's, well you know, dead.
ReplyDeletethis piece really reels the reader in and keeps their attention. loved the twist
ReplyDeleteI like how this story expresses life. The main character never seems to catch a break. It is obvious that she isn't happy with her job, a predicament that many adults in the real world are plagued with, and she ultimately ends up losing her mother in the most horrid way possible. This story shows that anything can happen in life, that is why we, as individuals, need to do all we can to be happy, because when life throws us a curve-ball, we don't want to be currently unhappy with ourselves; if we are, me may never recover.
ReplyDelete-Anthony Giliberto Jr.
This story really got to me and the ending was a really good plot twist
ReplyDelete-Ashley Lowman
Great plot twist. Usually I find myself disappointed by stories ending in a plot twist because I find them too predictable but I never saw that end coming. You did an awesome job of distracting from the true reveal with the comedic breaks with Burty. Fantastic work.
ReplyDeleteThe detail of the piece formed the imagery allowing the readers to understand the main character's stress as she complains of her job and the patients who are always in need of being cared. I really liked how it took time for the narrator to reach the climax of the piece first allowing us to understand the connection and sympathy she had for this woman she did not know and the shock after realizing it was her mother. it was well structured and very suspenseful making it very understandable and intriguing as it ended.
ReplyDelete-Jennifer Rodriguez
Great story! It was very interesting and was very anticipating. Great Work!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was really great! I loved the plot twist at the end, it was very suspenseful and I definitely was not expecting it to be her mom. Great job :)
ReplyDelete-Kathlyn Juarez
I can literally feel my heart shatter. What a good build up to a very climatic plot-twist! I'm kind of glad you didn't include a cliche happy ending. I had so much fun reading this!
ReplyDeleteYour writing is absolutely beautiful, to the very last detail. I was drawn in emotionally. I really love the comic relief and the plot twist. Well done!
ReplyDeleteVery nice story i like the way u made it into a plot twist
ReplyDeleteDarrell Mcdowell
Great story! From what seemed like a normal work day, turned out to be one of the most emotional times. Keep up the good writing! :>
ReplyDeleteThe emotions that were presented throughout the piece were incredible, I loved it and couldn't stop reading very well done.
ReplyDelete-Meghan Ustrell
I was super excited when you gave me the chance to read your work before you posted it; but seeing it after it is posted filled me with a sense of pride. Good job Marissa; your story was heart wrenching and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI love stories that have those twists and this twist really got me excited. -Brian Rojas
ReplyDeleteWell written climax and interesting plot twist. The simultaneous situations in the story made the plot twist practically unpredictable. Great job!
ReplyDelete~ Gregory Gomez
Woah great story I did not expect that! Loved the plot twist.
ReplyDeleteWow! You made me feel so many emotions throughout your story, I never saw that twist coming. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteWow Marissa, this piece ws very deep and out of the ordinary for the reader and the character towards the end, I didn't actually believe that the woman had any connection to the doctor but the way the actual story is written overall was very pleasing and very nice.
ReplyDelete-Emmanuel Huntspon
This story is a great one. You did a really good work.
ReplyDelete-Anita Kong
Intriguing piece and I adore it. The details are wonderful and the climax, well that was unexpected. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Jerelle Medina
I recalled liked your tone In The beginning, very annoyed and over worked
ReplyDelete-Bobby q
plot twist got me. great job!
ReplyDeleteEverything was a normal day until it wasn't. I love the way you just hit the audience like a truck with the introduction of the mom. Loved the story.
ReplyDelete-Ethan Donnelly
loved the plot twist! great job getting the audience hooked throughout the whole piece
ReplyDeleteWOW! I love the development of the character in the brief time we had with her, i really love how blunt she is. The plot was amazing and I love how interesting you made the woman in room 210 throughout until the big reveal at the end.
ReplyDeleteThis story has a great hook and the ending completely caught me off guard. Very well written story.
ReplyDeleteEveryone sure loves putting twists at the end of their stories haha. Thanks for reaching deep within your emotions to share this story with us, write again for us soon!
ReplyDeleteI loved this story. you made it have such a great plot twist which made the story very interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably one of the best pieces I've read so far. From the beginning, you make Lily truly resemble a real person. She is initially overwhelmed by her own struggles, but she has to put that aside when it comes to her job. I admire Lily as a character because not even knowing the patient is her mom, she displays genuine care for her. She's definitely a character I'd like to explore more.
ReplyDeleteThis was very well written the whole story was just captivating with the plot twist and everything going on this is one of my favorites
ReplyDeleteFrom the beginning I knew there had to be some plot twist, but somehow I was still in shock! I enjoyed your piece from it being well structured and easy to follow.
ReplyDelete- Diana Godinez
Hooked from start to finish.
ReplyDeleteWOW. Can I just say that you should be a published author!! I felt like I was reading a well written novel!!! Excellent story with perfect grammar, punctuation, and word usage!!! It was flawless!! :)
ReplyDeleteI think this is good and it's kind of takes a turn for the unexpected i feel really bad for the character because she didn't pay close attention it's seems like she was caught in her own feelings so much she missed it .
ReplyDeletethe Be start of the story is just chilling wow i love it
ReplyDeleteWhen i was reading this it was like i was reading a novel keep the great work and work hard
ReplyDelete