The House
People have always said crazy stuff about the house I’m moving
into. Some say that a psychotic doctor built this house but ended up
killing himself because of his baby’s tragic disappearance. Others say
that a crazy teen boy lived here as well but was shot by the cops for a
massacre that he was responsible for at a high school nearby. But my
parents love the house and made an agreement to buy it of course.
Now I have to go to a completely new high school with nobody to talk
to.
My first day was horrible. I made zero friends and have horrible
teachers that I hate and I’m pretty sure hate me too. And on top of this
horrible first day of school I come home to the sound of my parents
yelling at eachother again great. I swear they will never ever stop
fighting with each other, sometimes the fights get so bad I have to
end up calling the police. I just ignored them and went upstairs to do
my homework. Once I got to my room I began to unpack some of my
things, I noticed a funny and very disturbing smell coming from one
of my boxes. I went over to go check and I found a possum with it’s
throat slit open and it was somehow still breathing. I freaked out and
screamed for both of my parents. They both came running to my
room asking what was wrong, I pointed to the box with the dead
breathing possum both of my parents looked in it with disgust
eventually my dad ended up throwing it away. I had all my nicest tops
in that box too. Well my parents stopped fighting after the situation
and ended up making up.
I couldn’t sleep at all that night, I kept thinking of the things people
have said to me about the house. I scared myself so much that I
ended up not sleeping at all that night. The next morning I was able to
convince my mom that I was sick enough to skip school. But I ended
up staying home all by myself since my parents had to go to work. I
got out of bed to make myself some breakfast when I heard someone
walking upstairs. I assumed it was probably my dad since he’s late to
work a lot. I asked for my dad but there was no response. I just left it
alone. I continued to make my breakfast. I heard a loud thump coming
from upstairs. It scared me so much I dropped the carton of milk all
over the floor. I went upstairs to go check and there was absolutely
nobody up there. I was on my way downstairs when somebody
behind me grabbed both of my arms and dragged me into the attic. I
have never felt more horrified in my life. One of the lights, turned on
and it was the psychotic doctor and teenage boy that died in this
house years ago. I asked what they wanted with me. I got no
response, just silence. They both walked to another room, I had no
idea what they were planning on doing so I took the chance to open
the attic door and run out but I was too late. The teenage boy had
grabbed me and began to tie me up, the doctor also got some
medicine to put me to sleep.
I woke up in complete horror, both of my parents were tied up and
unconscious right in front of me. They too also began to wake up. We
were all so horrified and had no idea what to do. The first thing we did
was untie each other quietly so the dead doctor and teenage boy
wouldn’t hear us. My mother and I wanted to escape the attic and
leave but my dad insisted that we stay here and act like we are still
unconscious and tied up. We both did as he said. It didn’t take the
doctor and the teenage boy long to arrive back. I opened my eyes just
a little bit and noticed that they each had a knife in their hands. My
parents noticed as well. My dad was the first to take action. He quickly
jumped out of his position and somehow managed to grab the knife
out of the doctor’s had and teenage boy’s had at the sametime. He
threw them on the floor and told my mother and I to run to the car as
fast as we could. We all got into the car and drove as far as possible
from that house.
We ended up letting that house go and moved back into our old
house, the house not filled with a bunch of stories and the house
filled with a nice high school with nice teachers and students and
friends to talk to. The incident at the old house not only scared us to
death, but made us all closer as a family.
organization of the story, as weird as that may sound, would help. splitting it up into smaller paragraphs would make it easier to follow the flow of the story and build anticipation. overall good work :)
ReplyDeleteThere's some punctuation errors and spacing errors sprinkled into the story, and some of the ideas are 'bleeding' together (haha) because of the organization of the thoughts. But awesome spooky story!
ReplyDeleteI loved this story! I love how its somewhat of a thriller. It's perfect and just in time for Halloween.
ReplyDeleteMake sure to watch for spelling errors and punctuation. You definitely had the idea, although, I wish you gave more details about how the doctor and the teenage boy looked, so we could have more of a visual to what the girl is seeing. Although, great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was really fun to read especially since its the beginning of October where everything begins to equal scary stories and creatures of the paranormal. With the detail you gave it felt very much like watching a horror movie through someone else's eyes. More detail could really help bring this piece to life like descriptions of the house, the doctor and boy. When you wrote the scene about the doctor giving the character medicine, the character themselves wouldn't necessarily know it was sleeping medicine until they actually began to fall asleep. So that might be something to consider when writing scenes like that. Great piece overall and it really helped set a scary mood for Halloween.
ReplyDeleteThe fast pace made it feel as if you were watching a horror movie, just in time for Halloween. Great topic and great delivery!
ReplyDelete-Lorena Meza
Could definitely be an Amityville sequel of sorts. The intro was a bit cliche but other than that it definitely sets the scene for some Halloween scares. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteInitially I felt as though the stories about the house were fake and would just help build the tone of the piece. But by making these "myths" a reality in the novel definitely took me by surprise. great work!
ReplyDeleteI was slightly disappointed the end of the story did not keep such a creepy feel as it did all throughout. Overall, well-written except for a few typos. -Joshua Kidwell
ReplyDeleteThe story was perfect theme for Halloween and it was creepy so good job! I think you could just put more erie, creepy tones throughout when the doctor and teenage boy come back into play because it would just add to the spook, but good job :)
ReplyDelete-Meghan Ustrell
the composition of the story was great. i do suggest you implement more detail on the narrator's perspective(tell us how they feel). overall, nice piece.
ReplyDelete-Jose Zermeno
Are you a fan of "American Horror Story"? If you're not I'm sorry, but I saw a connection between your story and the show, anyways your story was very spooky. I have no idea why the dad wanted to stay and pretend to still be unconscious, I would have just left the guy behind. Your story was well-written but try to split your story into smaller paragraphs so that readers won't feel over whelmed with information, overall you did a fantastic job!
ReplyDeleteI think that the creepy tone was executed well. Maybe a bit more suspense would've made the piece even more effective. I also agree that maybe breaking it up into smaller paragraphs would help the structure. Good job though!
ReplyDeleteVery appropriate piece since Halloween is coming up soon. My advice would be to vary the beginning of your sentences and not using I so much. Try using imagery to enhance the creepy vibe of the piece. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteA fantastic and creepy story. The piece is well written, just watch out for punctuation errors and then you'll be grand.
ReplyDelete-Jerelle Medina
I liked the eerie feeling going into the initial encounter and I was surprised about how the encounter happened as well. It was very sudden and didn't have as much meaningless build-up like most horror stories. You got straight to the scare. Other than a few organization errors, this piece was great and provided an addition to the October atmosphere.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of horror movie plots nowadays. Few grammar errors, but overall I thought it was well-written, it had a nice flow to it from beginning to end. Keep up the good work!!!
ReplyDelete-Oyinda Akinnusi
I really liked this piece Kaiya. My heart was beating really fast during some of the parts, especially when the narrator was describing the sounds they heard up stairs. On a deep level i love how you show that anything can be fixed, for example a rough time in a marriage, just sometimes it takes more than we were expecting and a lot of sacrifice(like what the dad in the story does).
ReplyDeleteThere's some punctuation errors and spacing errors mixed into the story. Some of the thoughts could be more organized. The story was perfect theme for Halloween and it was creepy so good job!
ReplyDeleteYour story was really engaging and action packed and I enjoyed the way that you created a very American Horror Story-like vibe. The action could have been more intense but it was a great piece of fiction that left me wanting more.
ReplyDeleteI like how the story ended with the family getting back together after the horrific scene of the doctor and teenage boy! The beginning could have been slowed down to create more anticipation because I felt it was a little rushed. Otherwise well done I really like the story!
ReplyDeleteThis piece is well-written, but there's a few grammar and specing errors. I actually liked the story and I enjoyed reading it. Good job!
ReplyDelete- Sirikanya
I really like your story because it reminded me of the first season of american Horror story except that in your story the people were smart and they left because that is what any sane person would do after they realize there were ghosts in their house. Thank you for putting a realistic twist on the classic haunted house story and having a nice ending where there are all a big happy family at the end.
ReplyDeleteNot a bad story, but spaces between paragraphs and certain words would have been appreciated! Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing! I really love it. You did a great job on this writing.
ReplyDelete-Anita Kong
Loved the scary yet amusing story. A little dissapointed at the end for not gettinng too much detail. Other that that it was very good.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your story over all, but you should involve more detail and correct your structure.
ReplyDelete-Diana Godinez