It was Valentine's Day. Of course I was alone because my
girlfriend of two years, Loraine, dumped me last month because I didn't get
here anything for her birthday. She was so beautiful and nice and down to
earth. She had nice light brown hair. She had hazel eyes and was very tan. She
had perfect teeth and a perfect smile. I was in love with her so I was
completely devastated when she dumped me. I thought it was going to be one of
those break up then back together within 24 hours but no she was for real. She
lost interest and moved on and has another boyfriend. The night she dumped me I
did some crazy drugs and knocked out...
The next day I
walked into my favorite coffee shop and saw a beautiful girl. I saw there was
an open seat right next to her so I sat next to her. "Hi do you mind if I
sit here?" "Of course not, I'm Rosemary what's your name?"
"I'm Tyde." She smiled and went on with what she was doing. I took
out my laptop from my backpack and began typing. I glanced at Rosemary a few
times because she was so beautiful. Her long dark brown hair, green eyes and
tan skin. After about 20 minutes, Rosemary had to go. She packed up all her
things and said, "It was nice meeting you!" with a really big smile
on her face. "It was nice meeting
you as well!" I said nervously.
A few days went by and I went to the coffee shop every day
and never saw Rosemary ever again. On Friday, I went to a concert with my best
buds. We got there two hours early so we didn't have to wait in that long of a
line. Once we got into the line there was a tall blonde girl right in front of
us with a few of her friends. From what I could see her hair was exactly like
Rosemary's. After about an hour waiting in line most of the people in the line
sat down. The blonde haired girl started a conversation with us. There was
something strange going on because I could've sworn that the blonde haired girl
looks exactly like Rosemary. I asked the blonde girl what her name was, she
said “Hunter.” I started talking to the Hunter to find out some information
about her and compared it to what I knew about Rosemary. We had talked for
about ten minutes then they started letting people into the venue. We ended up
switching seats with people that sat next to the group of girls so we could all
hang out and rock out. After the concert was over and everyone was heading
towards the exit I was looking around and the group of girls were still with us
but I couldn’t find Hunter.
A few weeks after
the concert, a few of my buds threw a Super Bowl party. The Green Bay Packers
and the Seattle Seahawks were playing and most of the people at the party were
Seahawk fans. I was wearing my favorite Seahawk’s attire, which was just a
Seahawk’s jersey and some pants. There was one girl at the party that was
wearing a Seahawks shirt that was completely bejeweled. She was a red head and
had a lot of freckles. She had perfect teeth kind of like Hunter's. She was
tall and about 5'9. We ended up sitting next to each other on the couch. We
exchanged a few words during the commercials. Her name was Jasmine and it turns
out she's a lot like Hunter and Rosemary. That's so crazy, finding three people
in a row that are almost exactly alike. When the game was over and the Packers
had won, unfortunately, everyone got up and said goodbye. I looked around to
find Jasmine but she'd also disappeared. It was Deja Vu. Every girl I met
disappeared.
A few months had
passed. I woke up and I was in a hospital for some reason. Loraine was in the
room, she was sitting down in a chair reading. I was hooked up to so many
machines. I started to freak out. I wanted to know why I was hooked up to so
many machines. Loraine got up and started crying, she tried to calm me down
while screaming at the top of her lungs for a nurse. A few nurses came in the
room and took a few tests. Loraine was calling my friends and family in her
seat with a few tears coming down her face. I asked Loraine why I was in the
hospital. She told me I had overdosed and slipped into a coma for 5 month. She
found me passed out on my apartment floor the next day. I was appalled. About
30 minutes later my family and friends came into the hospital room they looked
so happy to see me. I knew I was loved by so many people but one person stood
out to me the most. The day I got released from the hospital I asked Loraine to
get dinner with me. At the end of dinner when we were sharing a slice of red
velvet cheesecake I got down on one knee and held Loraine's right hand.
"Loraine I love you. I never stopped loving you. Especially when I was in
a coma. All I could think about was you. Every girl I saw was a variation of
you. You came back for me and found me on the floor and cared enough to call
911 and you stayed with me in the hospital almost every day. I love you. Will
you marry me?" Everyone in the restaurant was looking at us.
"Yes!" She finally said. We both jumped up and hugged each other and
I put the ring on her finger.
Hahaha only drugs can make the Packers into the Super Bowl. I loved the little twist in the climax, I didn't think about the guy doing drugs until the very end. It's really cool seeing love work itself out in the end, I liked this one alot.
ReplyDeleteVery quick turn of events; I liked the parallelism of each girl that reinforced his feelings towards his initial girlfriend. Quite dramatic of a plot, so take my info with a grain of salt (I've never been a fan of happy endings for dramatic stories). But nonetheless, awesome work!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Matthew, interesting twist towards the end. However the transitions weren't very fluid(and I am not sure if that was what you were going for) but it would help to clean that up a little bit. Overall good work though.
ReplyDelete-didi
I loved this story so much! It was great because I could feel the love Tyler had for Loraine and the plot twist at the end, ah! It got to me :') i swear i'm not crying i am just sweating from my eyes...
ReplyDeleteThe "I see your face everywhere" scenarios were very sweet. The ending was unexpected and nicely written.
ReplyDelete-Lorena Meza
That's such a sweet ending! Tyler really loves Loraine :) I loved every bit of your story! Fantastic!
ReplyDelete~Gregory Gomez
Like Sarah said, pretty good use of parallelism, it emphasizes the intended dramatic effect. I would like to comment that I would never marry a girl that lead to an overdose. :)
ReplyDeleteIt was very descriptive, the detail throughout the work of describing each girl he met and the similarities they shared with one another made the flash fiction much more understandable specially at the end when it all came together and the reason why he kept meeting girls so alike was because Loraine was his true love and he kept meeting girls just like her even in his state of coma. Overall it was good story with a strong plot, but it could of had a more dramatic ending to help correlate with the plot and dramatic scenery.- Jennifer Rodriguez P: 3
ReplyDeleteIn a way, it reminded me of Inception. The whole idea that the women Tyde met, were just different aspects of Loraine really caught me off guard. It was also a great way to represent the importance of love.
ReplyDeleteThe transitions between the paragraphs were not fluid, however I found it the perfect imperfection because in a dream, especially a 5 month dream, events just know around at you without smooth transitions. I was very intrigued by this piece and wanted to keep reading on why there were so many unexplained connections. Beautiful love story. Should be a movie.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the plot twist at the end, I wasn't expecting it at all. The ending was very cute and it was overall a good story. Nice job :)
ReplyDelete-Kathlyn Juarez
I enjoyed the story so much it was adorable. I loved the twist at the end because I'm a sucker for romance, but I liked the way you structured it, how we saw his life in the coma and it made me believe it was actually real so very nice job with that! :)
ReplyDelete-Meghan Ustrell
Nice romantic story, I had to say awe at the end haha well written nice job
ReplyDeleteIt was a very cute little story. I liked how you described how each girl Tyde met looked, it really helped me imagine the characters in my head and make a connection back to Loraine with a small detail of each of the girls descriptions. Nice job!
ReplyDelete- Celeste Martinez
I could picture the story and the ending was unexpected and nicely written .
ReplyDelete-Ashley L.
That story should be adapted into a movie. I love the little twist at the end and how realistic it was. -Brian Rojas
ReplyDeleteWow this was great! I though it was romantic in the way the hw saw her face everywhere. The only recommendation I would make is to have more of a fluid transition. The story seemed to just jump from one thing to the next. But overall great story!
ReplyDelete-karyna Gandara
I wasn't expecting the plot twist at the end very interesting story a good ole love story good job-Paige
ReplyDeleteGreat piece! It was super cute! You have have a very profound writing style which is so unique for someone your age, keep it up!
ReplyDelete-Maddie Alegria :)
Great story, it was very descriptive, detailed, and interesting. I found the structure different, yet unique; the transitions were a bit quick, but I think it resembles the quickness and choppy like experience in a dream. In my opinion, the quick transitions adds an emphasis to the comatose state of the character.
ReplyDelete-Jerelle Medina
The story was kind of strewn about with bits and pieces from the events stated. I did like how you utilized Lorraine as a focal point for the events happening, which made the outcomes for each girl he met much easier to connect. A little brushing up on some technical aspects would definitely make this story that much more appealing. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI liked the build-up into the unexpected plot twist. The unexplained disappearances of all of the women he met really left room for imagination and the ending was something none of us could have predicted. The only criticism I have is to possibly expand upon the beginning and make it less choppy because for a story like this, you need a great intro. Good work!
ReplyDeleteI was hooked immediately, and I liked how you had repetition which followed the theme of your fiction story.
ReplyDelete- Diana Godinez
I enjoyed the story it was cute and sweet. The transitions like how Malik and Didi pointed out weren't fluid but overall I like how we were able to see through the character's life in a dream state. Lovely story for sure!!!
ReplyDelete-Oyinda Akinnusi
Great plot twist ! It came out of no where and surprised me, i loved the ending as well. I was happy that his girlfriend got over him not getting her a birthday gift and came to his rescue haha
ReplyDelete-Shaniya Trotter
The piece was filled with more than a single twist, so I applaud you for your unique concept! Your writing is very cinematic, and quite easy to imagine in my head, therefore I enjoyed the progression of the story and the character. For your future writing, don't forget some of the basics I'm sure Mrs. Solano is teaching :-). Combine shorter sentences, and revise your writing at the end for grammatical mistakes. Good job though, keep writing!
ReplyDeletei love the ending very unexpected, Love the beginning too it caught my attention!
ReplyDeleteThis is very good, it caused you to think and wonder why those girls look so familiar and why they all had something in common. Then when it was revealed why, it perfectly brought everything together and made the story that much better.
ReplyDelete-Sean Monsalve
It's so interesting how love works. Tyde was so intrigued by all of these girls only because they were exactly like Lorraine. Without even knowing it, he really was trying to get back to her. I liked how you also made sure to bring in those little details! It definitely helps the reader stay connected with the story and ensures that they get a good sense of the character's surroundings.
ReplyDelete- Sam Nugroho
The plot line was very cute but i feel the story was lacking sensory details therefore stopping the story from being as good as it could have been.
ReplyDelete-Reymie Morris
This story really made my want to keep reading to figure out why all the girls looked the same, definitely had my interest from the beginning. The ending was very unexpected. -Aylin Veloz
ReplyDeleteSometimes simplicity is a good thing and it worked in your favor in this story! A few things could have been added to make the story better but overall you did well!
ReplyDelete-Marissa Putrick
This was super good and super sweet , I was wondering the whole time who the girl was , I had no clue he was in a coma, very great piece!!- Allyssa Flores
ReplyDeleteI definitely did not see that coming at the end, the whole time I wanted to know who this girl was he kept seeing, I really enjoyed your piece! I'm happy Loraine came back! Hah
ReplyDeleteThe piece was absolutely incredible. The twist at the end was very creative. Your writing is very dynamic, and quite easy to imagine in my head, I enjoyed the progression of the story and the character development.Good job, keep writing! :>
ReplyDeleteI loved how you incorporated his ex in all three girl he saw while he was in his coma, it really puzzled me n why oh why the girls looked the same and then when the reason came about it made me smile. I enjoyed the fact that the story was really original but it felt like you skipped over some great moments in the story that could have added to its overall greatness, such as the emotion he still felt for loranne and why he was in the hospital. I would have loved to know what was going inside the characters mind.
ReplyDeleteI loved all the amazing details about outfits and faces and other such things! Additionally, the veiled anti-drug message was skillfully implemented, and has deterred me from ever wanting to do "some crazy drugs." Still, I think it would have been funnier if Loraine said "no" to the proposal. Fantastic job!
ReplyDelete-Christopher Trevino
Great story Camille!!! Technically the Seahawks and Green Bay Packers could never go to the Super bowl because they are in the same division so only one could win and go on to the Super bowl. I felt you could have been a little more specific with details and descriptions, but I liked the plotline and the ending!!
ReplyDeleteYour story is very good. I like the ending of the story so much, good plot twist !
ReplyDelete-Sirikanya
What a very wistful and sincere story, I could tell you put a lot of emotion in this piece. Some of details were nonchalant, so be on the watch for that. Also, be careful of your run on sentences, punctuation, and spelling errors. Other than that Good Job!
ReplyDelete-Brittany Hackney p.3
I can totally see this as a chick flick type of movie. Try to make the transitions flow better in your next stories! It'll make the story a much easier read.
ReplyDeleteA very cute story that could have developed more in Solano allowed us to go over the 1000 word limit! there were some grammatical errors, but overall, good job working with the limited word count.
ReplyDeleteInteresting Piece that kept you guessing what was really going on the entire time.
ReplyDeletegreat plot! Very Enticing, Great Work!
ReplyDeleteThis is so interesting. I love it. I also really love the ending, because both of them are back together.
ReplyDelete-Anita Kong
The Packers weren't playing I thought...LOL More details to enthrall the readers, but a good plot!
ReplyDeleteI like how you made the different girls look similar to represent Lorraine to show his love for Lorraine. Keep up the great work! -Damian Echavarria
ReplyDeleteReminds me of my ex... Anyway I did connect with the story and you do a great job making the story relatable with real life events, even though the packers getting to that point isn't very possible ;)
ReplyDelete-Blue Andrade
I love how in the end it was all fake and it turned out to be a happy love story! p.s GO PACK! -Blake Knight
ReplyDeleteGood short story. Nice plot and elements of foreshadowing.
ReplyDeleteI loved the fluffy moments, the hospitalization was a real plot-twist.
ReplyDeletevery descriptive, although I felt at times it become a little wordy, but in some areas I understand where that was necessary. Very interesting overall plot intriguing idea! -Sienna Carbajal
ReplyDeleteI have to admit your story kind jumped around, it need better transition. I enjoyed the story because it remind me of a movie I like. Its pretty obvious your intriguing character Tyde has a type of girl in mind, its very cute love. Your details did help your readers connect with the characters feelings.
ReplyDeletegreat use of imagery in first paragragh, the transitions weren't as good as they could have been, but overall had a good ending
ReplyDeleteI love all the different layers you put into the story. The end was also phenominal. Keep it up!
ReplyDelete