Monday, October 26, 2015
Shaniya--Switch
“Are you happy with the way things are Cindy? Underestimated, put down, and disrespected? You’re twenty-three years old and still sleeping on your mother’s couch. You’re unemployed, irresponsible, and unreliable. You are a failure. Do you really believe that you could survive in this world without me? You’re weak! You need me Cindy, we both know that. Let me be strong for you, you know you can’t deal with these obstacles that you have been given. Your life is so pitiless; I might as well just take it...”
“No! Just shut up! You don’t know anything about me! I may not have my life together just yet but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure. I don’t need you. Things will get better, I know they will, I-I’ll get a job and start making new friends. I’ll make some changes. I can do it, I know I can.”
“Awe, trying to yourself Cindy? That’s cute. I’m afraid I already made my choice. I’ve waited long enough, watching, rotting, and learning from your ignorant mistakes. You take life for granted my dear, and that’s why you’re in this predicament now. It will never get better for you. It only gets worse from here.
“N-no you’re lying. Things will get better, I promise… I promised… No I won’t fall victim to you anymore, I’m not weak. I will not need you anymore. This is goodbye, for good.”
“I doubt that.
At this moment Cindy reached for her neck and gasped for air. It was as if her air supply was stolen from her. During this lung-crushing, eye-watering, and throat-drying attack she tried standing but she couldn’t walk. Her legs wouldn’t move. She lay on the dark black ground in a ball while trying to catch the remaining breaths she had. Through all the pain she looked up and saw this beautiful woman dressed in a gorgeous red dress, something Cindy would never be able to look good wearing. She had long luscious black lock flowing down her back and bright red lipstick on. She wore red bottom heels and had a slit at the bottom of the dress. She’d never seen this woman before but there was something familiar about her, and why was she there, inside of Cindy’s head?
“I told you I made my choice,” Said the woman. “It’s my turn now.”
As the woman walk through the darkness of Cindy’s mind, toward a door of light, she glanced back at Cindy crunched up on the floor and smiled devilishly.
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Dang. This one really has me thinking about life and all aspects of it. This piece is really deep and quite ominous, leaving readers to interpret who this woman in the red dress is and what she really represents. My head hurts just trying to analyze it. Great job and keep up the great work! :)
ReplyDeleteWoah. The climax of the story was so intense!!! I really like how you explored the conflict that goes on inside our heads that things will get better if we believe it, but then this ambitious side takes over at the end leaving the indecisive part of the Cindy gasping for breath! Awesome piece!
ReplyDeleteJust imagining someone going through something like this is crazy! I really liked the internal conflict you portrayed, it was a nice short piece overall. Good job!!!
ReplyDelete-Oyinda Akinnusi
Good use of character dialogue to really build up suspense and suspicions about these characters. Overall nice piece.
ReplyDelete-Didi Amarasekara
I really liked this piece! It makes me think about life and most of all who could this lady be in the red dress be. Its a great story!
ReplyDelete-Maite Vano
WOW! Excellent piece. I love the climax of this story, keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete-Sirikanya Boonyanant
Amazing job! I loved how you used imagery and dialogue in order to capture that incessant internal battle with the self! I found myself intrigued with the woman in the red dress, who I believe represents that sense of empowerment and strength that Cindy ultimately develops in the end. I'm curious to know what will happen to Cindy now? How will her life change now that a whole new perspective has taken over?
ReplyDelete-Pavia Omolewa
P.4
I love the sheer intensity of your writing. I was literally on the edge of my seat reading your work and I loved the way that you didn't really explain the antagonist of your story but rather left it to the reader to try and understand the situation. Awesome job Shaniya.
ReplyDeleteSuch a great piece! The inner conflict the character was having was what formed the strong ending as she believed she could do it and changed to becoming an ambitious self sufficient character after being told she couldn't. The dialogue was a very strong part of the piece that allowed for the character to demonstrate to the readers her determination to becoming who she wanted to become regardless of the opinion of others. I liked how the character developed at the end of the piece becoming a very independent woman who demonstrated such power and left the audience intrigued of what had become of her life after finally finding herself.
ReplyDelete-Jennifer Rodriguez
I liked the character's dialogue and how you portrayed her internal conflict. This piece was pretty intense and it left me wondering who that lady in the red dress really is. Great job :)
ReplyDelete-Kathlyn Juarez
The build up was very great and intense, I enjoyed how it had an undertone that everyone has things going on in their brains yet no one on the outside will ever know.
ReplyDelete-Meghan Ustrell
i really like how left some details out of the story. It makes it quite mysterious and leaves many questions unanswered. The internal conflict portrayed in this piece was also well done. This would make a good piece for a classroom discussion! (-:
ReplyDeleteGreat piece! The dialogue is wonderful and helped convey the conflict in the work. Good job!
ReplyDelete-Jerelle Medina
I think that the doubt you have placed inside the mind of your characters makes the story more mysterious. I would suggest breaking off into new paragraphs when new characters start talking, it makes it easier to follow. For the mechanics of the story I only saw one spelling error, good job and thank you for your submission
ReplyDeleteI liked how you showed her thoughts and that the voice inside her head was telling her she was worthless because all of us have that voice we just need to fight it.
ReplyDeleteThis really highlights on how ones thoughts and emotions can efect them physically,also love how you personified in the end! -Kayla Mcgriff
ReplyDeleteI was feeling those descriptions! "Red Bottom heels" YES! You killed it!
ReplyDeletereally great piece! i really enjoyed reading this i loved the imagery of this story.
ReplyDeleteWow this was fantastic. i cant think of anything better to describe this great piece. I love the intensity of these characters' conversation; it gets the reader wondering where this will end. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWow just wow. This was so intense and I thought it was a great choice to throw the reader off guard in the beginning with the antagonist talking. This is a very captivating story and caught my attention right off the bat.The lung crushing and descriptive details about the lady in red kept me intrigued. I would definitely love to read more!!! Excelente
ReplyDelete-Brittany Hackney p.3
Its like there is a story within no story if that makes any sense. Thats how it seems in my mind and i love it. The way you took a lack of context or background and were still able to make a fascinating story erupt from your words is beyond me. Most people would not be able to produce such an impactful story without adding background but you were able to. Amazing!!! -Luke Riddington
ReplyDelete