Monday, October 26, 2015
Reymie--Death
Tired, weak, groggy. "What's going on?" I tried to mumble to my surroundings but my lips refused to cooperate. I strain to hear the faint noises enveloping me. My ears perked as I listened to the soft whispers of my mother's voice "She's been sick for weeks now , she's lost 5 pounds since the last you saw her ,there's bruises everywhere, and red splotches, I just, I just..." she was cut off by an unfamiliar deep voice"Mrs. Strada please calm down I told you these are the side effects of the sickness she's developed, it's very common." After the strangers comment hysterical sobs followed, this caused me to flutter my eyes open only to be blinded by the bright white lights, walls, and sheets surrounding me. "Baby?" I try to set up but fulirm hands press me back down. " Sorry Ms. Strada but you won't be able to get up for a while until you've gotten all your strength back." I look at my mom for confirmation but all I see is her back and she walks out the room still crying. "I have to go get your test results but when I come back I expect you to be in bed got it?" my doctor states in a firm voice and I nod in reply. I stayed in that position for 20 minutes but then my bladder filled with unbearable pressure that has me running to the bathroom. After finishing with my business I go to the sink to wash my hands, as I do so I stare in the mirror examining myself. My face is slim, pale, and spotted with red marks all over. Just as I was finished looking at my ghastly appearance I see a black blur move past my doorway. I jump and turn expecting to see whatever it was reappear but nothing was there. "Wow the doctor was right I must be really weak to be having hallucinations like that" I mumble to myself but just as I complete this thought a sharp scream is heard from the hall. Panicking thinking it's my mother I scurry out ready to fight off whatever is harming her, instead I come face to face with a massive black form gliding into the hospital room with a black staff poking from its side. I follow it into the room and watch as it points at a young girl peacefully sleeping. She starts to float up and off the bed and onto her feet and walk the rest of the way to the huge figure and then grab their head with inhumanly large hands covered in black gloves and twist sharply to the left. The crack heard was resounding so much so I didn't even realize the loud scream that had fell from my mouth. The thing sharply turns its head and stared at me at least that's what I assumed because it had a hood covering the entirety of its face almost making it look as if a shadow hovered there. As I stared into the dark abyss that was its face I did not notice a large metal and pointy site that had been protruding out from its cloak until it was too late and had slice my throat right open. As I chocked i felt my body run cold and empty and my world becomes surrounded by the shadow that I had previously been staring into. I guess my results were positive.
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WOW the build up from the beginning to the end really amazed me i had no idea the story would accelerate to such a dramatic ending! xD I felt the strongest part was how detailed the descriptions capturing the moment of narrator and giving the audience the feeling they were inside the story.
ReplyDeleteEerie and perfect for Halloween? This seems like it could be straight from a plot of a new horror movie. This strange ominous figure, I truly wish I knew what this horror was. The last sentence still has me wondering however, why would the results be positive? Is it really a hallucination or is she actually dead? So many questions.
ReplyDelete- Alyssa Tandoc, Period 4
This grasped my attention from the very beginning! I didn't look up once from reading it because I was so fascinated. When it ended I was sad... I want to know what happens next!
ReplyDelete-Marissa Putrick
Wow, I was definitely not expecting that at all! The shadow is symbolic of death...Great story and use of imagery, describing her confinement and isolation in an all white room with bright lights; it contrasts with the dark, black shadow that comes along at the end of the story.
ReplyDeleteWow! The imagery is really intense and I feel like you did a good job of developing it, including many different senses. The last sentence was my favorite and I think it was a very creative way to end your piece!
ReplyDeleteNice job :)
Whoa this one was really dark. I LOVE IT! The story really leaves readers thinking about the backstory and asking questions about who the character is and how she got whatever sickness she got. Great story overall and had me at the edge of my seat the entire time. Keep up the great work! :)
ReplyDeleteDark and intense just how I like it, and perfect for Halloween!!! I liked the imagery from beginning to end, and the dark aura that surrounded your entire piece. Keep up the good work girl!!!
ReplyDelete-Oyinda Akinnusi
The story made me ask many questions and engaged me more with every sentence! It was very well written and my favorite part was the ending because of the amount of detail put into the death.
ReplyDeleteThis got me hooked. Few sentences before the end my phone exited and I freaked but I came back..I've never read anything faster wondering what was going to happen next. I want to know more!
ReplyDeleteThis had my attention from the first moment i started reading! Good job I really loved this piece!
ReplyDelete-Maite Vano
This story kept me at the edges of my imagination, especially since your descriptions of each object was so specific and grotesque. I loved the way you gradually developed the inevitable outcome by increasing tension within each scene as the story went on. Great work!
ReplyDeleteThis piece is just amazing, it captured my attention from the start and I just want to know more. The way you described the series of events was so vivid I felt like I was the character, loved it!! Awesome job!!! - Aileen Munoz
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I loved that it wasn't totally predictable but I wish you would've written more about the scene when she sees herself in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteI love the suspense and tension of this story on trying to figure out what is happening to the narrator. I enjoyed how the story became so intense so quickly with the suspense of this black figure, seems like the grim reaper. You did an amazing job with your wonderful descriptions of the characters and the scene. This was a fun, dark piece to read.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very interesting because the story grabbed me from the beginning. I especially liked the symbolism of death in the story and the overall imagery was great, Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery definitely had me on the edge of my seat throughout the entire story! It was great. I also found it really unique that the main character was able to narrate her death in a detached tone. Great job!
ReplyDeleteEven thought the title was very bold. The intensity of the story was amazing. It got my attention right away and it seemed like I was in a movie. Great job!
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed how dark this story was. Had me questioning what was gonna happen throughout the whole story. I was really expecting the mom to die but was not expecting the protagonist to be the one that is killed. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThe imagery and detail was what made this story work. Even if it was unintentional, this story clearly shows that we all die alone.
ReplyDelete-Anthony Giliberto Jr.
Such a great use of imagery! I could totally picture the story and was intrigued throughout to see what would become of your character! AMAZING JOB !!
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job building up tension throughout the story leading to the climax where the girl meets the grim reaper and then death. Heartfelt dialogue between the mother trying to do what she can for her child.
ReplyDeleteThis got my attention from the very beginning! and how it was dark i didn't want it to end i wanted to see will happen next.
ReplyDeleteAshley Lowman
Yes! So gory i love it! and just in time for Halloween great job!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery is on point and the suspense kept me reading. Great Work!
ReplyDeleteThe deadpan (no pun intended) tone by which the narrator conveyed such a serious tone really pushed the story to a new level. Great job! :)
ReplyDeleteVery brilliant way of ending the story on a "not-so-happy ending." The detailed imagery of Death was very well portrayed and very much fits the Halloween theme!
ReplyDeleteThis story had me hooked from the very beginning to the very end. It was very intense and I enjoyed all the detail and imagery. Great job :)
ReplyDelete-Kathlyn Juarez
The tension was so intense, the descriptions you had were amazing. The dark feel to the piece was increasingly intriguing to read based on the flow of story that hooked me in.
ReplyDeleteI definitely loved the way you portrayed death, it was a really good piece
ReplyDeleteWow this was a really interesting piece, in the beginning I got a sad vibe from your piece but then towards the end I got a totally opposite vibe it turned into a gory, scary piece. Great Job! you had a lot of detail and it was just great and well written.
ReplyDelete-Celeste Martinez
Dope piece Reymie. Great imagery I'm glad I gave it a chance as I was skeptical in the beginning. It's cool how I did existence abd you chose to write on the topic of death but in the form of fiction.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you started your story and from that point on your story amazed me good job
ReplyDeleteDarrell Mcdowell
Honestly the use of imagery was brilliant! I'm amazed, and the whole idea behind the story was well though of!
ReplyDeleteThis one was really dark and i love it. The story really leaves readers thinking about the back story and asking questions about who the character is. Overall a great story and had me at the edge of my seat. Keep up the great work! :>
ReplyDeleteMy attention was grabbed the second I read the first three words and it was very climactic, I didn't know quite what to expect. Very good use of tension and making the reader feel as if they were there living it through with her.
ReplyDelete-Meghan Ustrell
Love it! It got my attention completely. I love how descriptive you are, it makes you feel like the story is happening right in front of you.
ReplyDeleteNice writing! I think you've inspired me to rewrite my blog entry. So few grammar and punctuation errors here and there, but overall, wonderful story!
ReplyDeletethsi piece is perfect for the season and it appeals to me and my enjoyment of dark literature. -Brian Rojas
ReplyDeleteHow interesting! I still find it a bit odd that the mother left her daughter after she wakes up. Usually whoever is there to witness the patient wake up again is automatically there to comfort the patient and they pour their love out for them, yet the mother leaves and doesn't return. Did she perhaps know of her daughter's fate already?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, great build up!
- Sam Nugroho
Yeahhh that's trueee. It is indeed a dark story and I most definitely enjoyed this story!! It's theme fits the month! Excellent job!
ReplyDeleteGreat job! Perfect for the month of October.
ReplyDelete~ Gregory Gomez
Wow this piece was great, really makes me want more and I have so many questions! Very dark and I love it! Great job!
ReplyDeleteThat story gave me chills but I am still kind of confused is the dark figure death?
ReplyDeleteThe build up from the begining to the dramatic ending was great! I was on the edge of seat through out the piece! It was dark and mysterious which is what I love so much about it. It kept me wanting more. Great job Reymie!
ReplyDeleteI had so many questions but your piece answered them as it progressed. I had high hopes that she was going to live but sadly that wasn't the case. Your story was amazing I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThis is really good! It was very descriptive, I could visualize the story. The moment the character said they saw a black form, I knew it was death and still you managed to have a great twist at the end.
ReplyDeleteWOW you literally left me speechless, excellent job I felt like I was taken on this journey that kept making all these sharp turns, everything was so unexpected, very fascinating and I was intrigued all throughout the entire piece!
ReplyDelete-Sienna Carbajal
Your hook was amazing! You made me love it from the first line that I read great work !
ReplyDeleteYour hook was amazing! You made me love it from the first line that I read great work !
ReplyDeleteYour hook was amazing! You made me love it from the first line that I read great work !
ReplyDelete-Bobby
use of details and imagery really tied the piece together.
ReplyDeleteFrom the first line I immediately wanted to know more. Especially background info. Great job of making the reader yearning for more.
ReplyDelete-Ethan Donnelly
I LOVED IT! The story had me intrigued from the very start. The organization and layout of the plot was excellent, not to mention the dark and intense tone. Every element of your story added to its overall greatness.
ReplyDeleteThat was great build up and i didn't expect it to get gory like that but I loved it and it has a great effect on the story. Awesome Job!
ReplyDeleteDang! great use of imagery. I really liked it!
ReplyDeletePlease get someone else to finish the story! You can't leave us hanging like that.
ReplyDeleteVery captivating and detailed throughout! The events were steady leading to the perfect climax. Awesome job, I really wanted to read more.
ReplyDelete-Brittany Hackney p.3
such a dark & creepy story great for halloween. loved it!
ReplyDeleteYou turned a horror story into something quite exciting. I like how you lead into the suspense without revealing you were the ill patient. Even though the ending was tragic, it satisfied my hope for answers.
ReplyDeletePerfect timing around Halloween a good horror story was perfect loved the story line with great imagery
ReplyDeleteThis is a intense piece that I really like. When I was reading your price I thought of this show with this black object and in the show they don't seem scary but the way you have described was very frightening. Also how brutal and violent this object is... OMG!!!
ReplyDeleteWell dang, thats one way to know your test results. I loved how this story was descriptive and graphic. The sudden inclusion of the dark character made the stroy stand out very well too. This reminded of American Horror Story's season 4 last episode. Fantastic Work!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help but become slightly frightened myself while reading. Your piece ended with great suspense in the end, having me question what will become of her ghost self?
ReplyDeleteI liked how you depicted death as a physical being like the grim reaper or something along that line. It gave the story a more erie and foreboding tone and made me look over my shoulder just in case. Good job.
ReplyDelete-Sean Monsalve
Dark.......I love it. Always a fan of something more on the gruesome side.
ReplyDeleteI loved your piece!!! I personally love eery and creepy stories like this and your writing is definitely one of my favorites now!! Great use of imagery and great word usage, it really captured my attention, 10/10!!!! :D
ReplyDeletethis was ok this was alright
ReplyDeleteyes!! your piece is creepy, imagination great keep writing !!
ReplyDelete