Sweat slowly rolled down as I sit with my foot chained up in a
cold clammy room in utter confusion. How did I get here? I last remember
walking out in the mall's parking garage to find my car, then all of a sudden I
smelled something strange and a hand wrapped around my face. I search my
pockets for my phone, but it's gone. Someone must've taken it. I look around to
get acquainted with my surroundings. I hear the constant drop of water from a
rusty pipe and the rats chattering. I see that I'm in a brick room with one
beat up mattress that looks like it has history with all of its stains, wait is
that blood? I shiver. Pulled from my surroundings, I tasted the warm irony
flavor of my blood. I rapidly feel around my face to find the source, and feel
a large gash on the side of my forehead. I’m surprised it took me this long to
find it. Quickly trying to stop the flow of blood, I take off my undershirt and
tie it tightly around my head. 'Ok,’ I say to myself, 'it's time to get up and
see what I've gotten myself into'. I get up and look around and feel a rush of
pain and fall dizzy. So I guess that's not an option. I stick with just my
eyes. Squinting, I try to make sense of the darkness. In the far corner I see
the back of someone's head. "Hey,” I whisper, "do you know what's
going on?" No response. I try again. "Hey,” I say louder “maybe we
could both help each other, but you have to talk to me.” Still no response.
Maybe they’re sleep? I need to wake her up, but how? Squinting to see in the
dark, I find a small rock. There, that should do it. I throw it fast to try and
get their attention. The person falls backwards with a thud. "Oh my gosh
I'm so sorry I was trying to get your..." That's when I notice it. The
deep gash in the middle of her throat standing so starkly against her dark
skin. She was dead. My whole body trembled with terror. I panicked. “HELP ME!”
I screamed. “SOMEBODY HELP." I hear footsteps fall down stairs, getting
closer and closer to where I am. I say a prayer to whoever is listening that somebody
good comes into this room. I know it’s just wishful thinking, but still it
brings me a sliver of comfort. I hear the door swing open and my eyes squint to
adjust to the newfound brightness. "Well I'm glad you’re up, I thought you
would sleep forever," the voice said sinisterly. "I see you met my
friend, I wasn't so creative with her, but I plan on taking my sweet time with
you.” he says humorously. I need to get out of here. I look around one last
time to see if anything can help but there's nothing. He's in the room
completely now. I see his cold dark eyes and stringy hair soaked in sweat
clinging to the side of his head. I notice the swastika tattoo right in the
middle of his chest. “I'm going to rid the world of you people, one by one if I
have to. No one's going to stop me either, you see the news they don't care if
you guys are killed, and neither do I.” I go to scream. To yell in disagreement
with him. Of course people will know if I’m missing and of course they’ll care
when I’m dead. But the words fall in my throat. He’s right. I do see the news,
and he’s absolutely right. They don’t care and they never will, just like him.
Silent tears fall down my face as I accept my reality. This is how I end.
#DevonSmith.
Yikes... this sends chills down my spine. My heart was actually racing as I read this. I appreciate that you highlighted the fact that there are actually people in this world of our that actually that cruel, hateful and hurtful...and that is unfortunate.
ReplyDeleteI really was intrigued by your plot, it sounded exactly like a book I would read. I loved the character's inner monologue and the details you put in your story. Good job! -Vanessa Lai
ReplyDeleteWow! This was a very intense piece, as I was reading I got chills. I like how clear you made the image be in our head of what was happening in the story. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was so fascinating and edge of my seat type that it totally reminded me of the movie SAW that I personally enjoy. I loved how descriptive you were it felt so realistic that I felt like I was actually there. Amazing work!
ReplyDeleteThank you, I wanted to make it to the point where you could feel the characters emotions. I actually was thinking about SAW as I wrote it, and tried to use as much description (like the movie ).
DeleteThank you, I wanted the reader to be able to feel the characters emotions. I actually was thinking about SAW while I was writing, trying to use a lot of description (like in the movie).
DeleteSereenah,
DeleteYou are fabulous..ive known you since the day you were born
Left a msg for you on messenger
Send my best wishes to your lovely mother Jaque
This piece had me engaged from beginning to end! It's also so impactful at the ending with the tattoo and the man saying that no one cares. The use of imagery and description really puts the ready in that situation. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love that you keep the explanation until the end so that the audience is just as confused as the victim and going through it with them. You personalize the experience by taking us into the victim's mind and letting us hear her, hear the confusion, and ultimately, feel her terror. The end is impactful in that you bring something external we hear about yet may never truly consider and put us in those shoes, letting us feel that deep terror. Great piece.
ReplyDeleteThank you for highlighting this, i wanted to write a story from the point of view from the victim (which we normally do not see in today's media). Placing my readers in the confusion right with my character, so that i can cause some type of empathy on stories that normally get overlooked.
DeleteThis story is so engaging! I felt like I was inside of a movie and everything was dark and I couldn't see anything, even though the lights were on and I'm staring at this bright computer haha. You described everything so perfectly that I thought there was actually a chain around my ankle. Amazing job!
ReplyDelete-Aliyah Dumas
The story itself is great but, its the actual message that it brings to light that is more interesting. It's very accurate in its depiction of the lack of media interest in the killings of innocent people of color. Or if and when the media does show interest it never leads to actual social change however, the victims lives just end in a meaningless hashtag.
ReplyDeleteThis piece speaks volumes about the horrible realities that so many of us face today. I appreciate you taking the time to write about an issue like this, seeing as many are negligent to these things. This was extremely descriptive and I kept hoping that this would end up with you waking up from a bad nightmare. Much like the realities of those facing similar situations, they unfortunately don't end happily. Great piece Sereenah
ReplyDeleteWow...The amount of detail made it feel so real and scary. The mention of the tattoo made me actually have stop reading for a second because I realized what was about to happen. It was super suspenseful and intense. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was so interesting to read from beginning to end! It saddens me to say that there are actual cruel people out in the real world. I had chills reading this, great job!
ReplyDeleteOkay... WHATTTTTT did I just read! This was so totally scary and suspenseful, which I sincerely applaud you for because those types of stories are very difficult to write, trust me I've tried. Especially like yours when it turns out really good and has me going crazy because I want to know what happens next to this poor girl. I have so many questions, but that's probably intentional. GREAT job.
ReplyDeleteWow that imagery! The suspense in this story left me wondering if the speaker would be saved but was saddened to see that this wishful thinking was not the case. It's really terrible that situations like this happen and that there are people out there who derive pleasure from hurting others...but, you still did an amazing job with this piece that is so full of emotion, really awesome job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece engaged me from the very first sentence and I really enjoyed reading it. I appreciate and understood the emphasis you placed upon cruel people and their intentions as well as the harsh reality of the people in our world and country. Your writing seemed as if it was apart of a suspenseful movie and I was intrigued by the intricate details and imagery you used throughout the entire story. Good job!
ReplyDeleteWoe this story was mind blowing, because as I kept reading and especially when I approached the end of it I felt this very weird cold sensation in my stomach thinking of what this guy will do to the girl. Also the part that describes the dead girl in the room with her really scared me because the moment the girl realizes that the girl in the room with her is dead, thats when everything starts making sense and she is aware that she is going to end up being just like that dead girl. Thank you for this flash fiction, so far I haven't read something as unique as this.
ReplyDeletewow. I absolutely loved this. It drew me in immediately. The imagery was worded so perfectly, so that I could watch and feel exactly what was going on. I could feel that initial shiver and the shock in noticing the other dead body. Great job. -Keala Naipo
ReplyDeleteThe suspense throughout this piece was very present and gave me chills running down my back. I love the clear imagery which made me feel like those suspenseful/scary movies.
ReplyDeleteThe title of your piece immediately intrigued me and I thought it was interesting that you had your character be silent after loudly trying to escape when the cruel person made such disgusting and false comments to them. Your piece was so well written and really got me thinking. I really appreciated how you incorporated current social issues with fiction to express the fear and almost helplessness hateful individuals can make others feel. Your use of imagery and focus on detail really made your reader feel as if they were there. Overall great job!
ReplyDelete-Bryanna Torres
This was ridiculously intriguing I felt like i just wanted to keep reading more and more. I feel like this should have been a chapter of a book. Simply and intensely amazing!!!
ReplyDeleteSuch a heavy piece, but so well written! Your use of active voice really placed the reader in the situation of the main character, which made it that much more thrilling. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI loved the speaker's thought process and their inherent desperation. It's bone-chilling and gritty. Not to mention the weight of the final lines sinking in. Awesome submission!
ReplyDeleteI was getting chills as I was reading. Your piece shows how easily it is to repeat history. It reminded me of how people today are dying or are being unfairly prosecuted, both good and bad, and having it go unnoticed. Amazing job.
ReplyDelete-Nicole Campos
Fear runs throughout your piece, and it is very intense. It's scary to think that things like this happen every day but I believe it is important to realize the world we live in, this is a remarkable piece from start to finish.
ReplyDeleteSereenah, your piece was amazing and significant. Your portrayal of the significance of the man having the swastika tattoo especially today connected with the concept of making America "great" made for a great read and a true horror story. Great job!-J'Noie Parker
ReplyDeleteThe title itself drew me in, this piece is very touching and intriguing!
ReplyDeleteThis was very interesting. The character's inner thoughts, and distinct imagery really helped in creating suspense throughout the story. Great work!
ReplyDelete-Jordan Lee
Wow this story kept me on my feet. This is written so well. Your use of specific detail is what gave me the chills and kept me engaged through out the whole story. Also you conclude the whole thing very well at the end and it really helps prove the point your trying to make. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this piece. The whole time I was reading it, it had me sitting on the edge of my seat. I loved how intense this was and the way you wrote this made it easy and clear to picture
ReplyDeleteMy mouth hung open for most of the piece; it was so vivid despite its length. I was both scared by the man with the tattoo as well as saddened by the fate of the speaker. Amazing job.
ReplyDelete-Austin Gomez
Your piece was so terrifying to think that this could actually happen in our world. The imagery was all so cold and harsh that it gave me chills just reading it, great work!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery you used was absolutely amazing. It reminded me of the SAW movies. Also I love how your ending reflects how the world continually discriminates and hates people even though we are all the same. An amazing piece.
ReplyDeleteThis was such an amazing piece so much details and so much emotion put into this i got the chills while reading. I can imagine this as a movie and a book such a great job.
ReplyDeleteThe title of this piece caught my eye instantly and I really enjoyed reading it. It was suspenseful from the beginning to the end. The use of imagery was in such great detail he gave me some sugars through the middle of it. Good job
ReplyDeleteI am speechless, this was really well written good job!
ReplyDelete