Friday, September 2, 2016
Untitled--Noah
“It’s been 48 days, Siora, he’s not coming back.” he muttered. Siora slowly moved away
from the window, still looking at her reflection in the glass. “Now, surely you know this too.”
“No, I can feel it, he’s going to come back for me he always has.” Her words cut sharp in the
cold air, uncertain of the own weight they carried. The man slowly rose from the darkness,
heaving greatly as if it were his last breath. “Then it’s your choice to stay here, forgotten along
with him.” Siora snapped around to retaliate to the harshness of the man, but before she could he
vanished. The hair on her neck rose, pupils began to dilate, she sensed something that wasn’t this
world. Who was that old man? She wondered. She didn’t remember letting anyone into the
house, let alone having such a comfortable conversation with the man. Panic began to set in as
she just realized someone could be in the house, someone she just talked to. Siora could feel her
her heart beating faster the more she thought about the situation. Slowly, she walked over to the
stone and began to make some tea, every appliance rattled in her hand as she held them. She
remembering she hasn’t slept well in the 48 days since he left her. She sipped ever so patiently,
still looking out the window for her love. The longer she waited the more she drifted off into a
deep slumber. Awaking in a cold sweat, Siora heard someone at the door banging. “It’s him!”
she said with a passionate yell. Scrambling to the door she bursted it open without a second
thought only to be exasperated from what laid on the other side. Nothing. She slammed the door
closed and repeated to herself constantly: “I am dreaming.” “I am dreaming.” “I am dreaming.”
She went back to the window to look out for him. Suddenly she noticed him but not outside the
window, but in the reflection. “It’s been 48 days, Shawn, she’s not coming back.” he muttered.
Shawn angrily pushed himself away from the window, uncertain about what to do. “Now, surely
you know this too.” “No, I can feel it, she’s going to come back for me she always has.” His
words were rugged with hostility in every word. The man slowly rose from the darkness, heaving
greatly as if it were his last breath. “Then it’s your choice to stay here, forgotten along with her.”
“Forgotten? We’re not forgotten!” He yelled back. He turned around with clenched teeth to
nothing. The man once again vanished. Leaving only the lovers to their own separate fates.
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I adore your writing style. The use of narration from two different characters contributes to the development of your story. Also why 48 days... why not less?
ReplyDelete- Kailah O'Brien
Why not more?
DeleteI have no idea what's going on in this story, but I kind of love that! I really like the parallelism used here, too :)
ReplyDeleteI loved the subtle transition of point of view from one character to the next, for a second I thought it would help reveal what was going on! I have so many questions, but to just pick one, how are they both connected to the old man??
ReplyDeleteI would like to use the old man as a connection between the both of them, not to the old man himself, if that makes sense.
DeleteI love the imagery that is used in this piece. Also how you go from one character's point of view to the next, it relates back to society, how we would rather sit and wait for things to happen to us instead of taking chances-- knowing that our time is limited.
ReplyDeleteVery nice diction and I also like how you do not explicitly state the situation they are in, leaving us with a very mysterious feeling. Also, I am starting to wonder if their situation has occured or if we are just getting to see what happenens when each of the partners leaves?
ReplyDeleteIt was a very mysterious write for me too, but i thought of something terrible as happened and this is what the partners have to go through when they are not with each other
DeleteI love your writing style and the diction kept me intrigued from beginning to end! Especially how it shifts from her viewpoint to his. Really amazing writing!
ReplyDeleteEven though I absolutely have no idea what is on, the ambiguity of the situation completely hooked me in. While reading it, I thought Siora was having hallucinations because of sleep deprivation, but when you transitioned to a Shawn's perspective it was a pleasant surprise. The parallelism used here makes me think they are on opposite sides of one mirror and the old man makes me anxiety, making them doubt themselves.
ReplyDeleteI love how confusing it is. I kind of get the feeling that the two lovers are the same person, like someone with schizophrenia or something. Or I could be way off.
ReplyDelete-Deric Stephens
This story is really intriguing and mysterious. I just want to know what happens at the end between Siora and Shawn! Although it was kind of confusing in the middle when you transitioned into Shawn's point of view, your use of diction was amazing and allowed me to visualize what is exactly happening.
ReplyDeleteI got a little confused and had to read the story twice but it was a really great story and the connection between the two characters really made the story interesting. Your piece kept me hooked till the end. I loved it!
ReplyDeleteI don’t know why, but this type of story felt so mysterious leading up to the suspenseful feeling I had. Overall, I believe that the way you used diction made the story more intriguing. Thanks for creating something new for me to read.
ReplyDeleteThe feeling that their is more to a story you don't know yet kinda bugs, but it one of the best part of reading. And your piece achieved this! I also enjoy the imagery you use to help us visualize the woman's reactions and your dialogue!!
ReplyDelete-Vanessa Lai
This story was very interesting in a good way. There's was a lot going on but it all tied in with each other making a strong story. It felt very mysterious which made it ten times better.
ReplyDeleteSuspenseful, consistently mysterious to the end. Kept me invested and asking questions, great ending.
ReplyDeleteThe similar personalities of the couple was a nice touch. I also enjoy the irony in both of them waiting for one another.
ReplyDelete-Andre Burgos
I like how you use different view points of the speakers. Dialogue was easy to understand when the view points changed. This is a well written story.
ReplyDelete-Harley Liera (2)
This piece kept me hooked by making me keep asking questions trying to figure out the mystery within the poem. What does this mean? Why 48 days? All this mystery but I just can't figure this out. Interesting and mysterious reading. -Nour Ghonim
ReplyDeleteI loved this! The use of imagery not only added to the suspense but made me feel their actions as if I was living them. I also loved how they were both waiting for one another to come back not knowing that they were making it impossible upon themselves, because they were both waiting for the same thing rather than taking action.
ReplyDeleteThis story comes across as very ambiguous in the sense that the situation is not directly stated, which I like very much; this approach along with your dialogue between characters allows for the reader to configure an idea of what this story is truly about and adds to your development of plot. I wish it was longer! Great piece.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this piece because it reminded me that if I care for something that much I shouldn't sit around waiting for it to come to me, that I should go out and get it myself.
ReplyDelete-Nicole Campos
This is beautiful. The plot twists were amazing, and the way the true meaning of the story is brought out through the situation and dialogue of the characters makes me wish there was more of it!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really great work with great writing as well. The more I read, the more I wanted, and the suspense kept my heart pumping fast. I really enjoyed the seamless transition between view points, and you did a great job expressing helplessness.
ReplyDelete-Chris Kerwin
I really like this story, it kept me hooked till the end. I like how the protagonists are waiting for each other knowing that they will see eventually meet again. My favorite part was when Siora heard someone at the door and saw that know one was there, it really allowed for the development of your characters in a short period of time. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI got a bit lost, but I loved that? Going into the story I thought I knew the direction it was headed, but was pleasantly surprised when when all of my expectations were shattered. The parallel universe was really imaginative and the fact that both the partners were suck in an opposite parallel universe yearning for each other made their pain all the more heartbreaking. That along with the mystery of the old man and the source of their separation kept me questioning everything and wanting more!
ReplyDelete-Yareli Olazabal
I really enjoyed the parallelism between the separated lovers! I found myself wanting more, to understand the situation of the couple. The tone Siora evoked for Shawn was very heartfelt and the same could be said for Shawn's perspective.
ReplyDelete- Rachel Callejas
I really loved this piece, the parallelism made the story that much stronger. my favorite line is "The hair on her neck rose, pupils began to dilate, she sensed something that wasn’t this world." , you built the suspense so well with great use of imagery. Great job.
ReplyDelete-Brie Dehoyos