Friday, September 2, 2016
The Forest--Allicia
The moment she stepped into the forest the bright, blue sky gave way to trees and darkness that seemed to press inwards, confining her. She looked back where she came from, and seeing only endless trees, she turned back to face her destination: her brother. She didn’t know where he was, only that he’d run into the forest after telling her not to follow because “little sisters aren’t allowed”. She was going to find him and show him that she didn’t need to be left at home. She could handle whatever he was doing. So she walked. And walked. And walked. Until she realized that she was too far in to ever find her way out, and there was no sign of her brother. She turned around and saw a looming, dark figure standing there looking down at her. It bore no resemblance to any kind of creature--human or animal--than she had ever seen or heard of. It appeared to her to be more black smoke than substance. Her childish imagination having not yet abandoned her, she did not assume it meant her any harm. Perhaps it would even turn out to be a friend. “Hello!” she said tentatively. “Who are you?” It tilted the dark mass that she assumed was its head and grinned, displaying sharp, shining white teeth. “You are lost,” it said simply. Its voice was as grating as nails on a chalkboard though it spoke in what was closer to a rush of air than a true voice. “Yes,” she replied, not feeling any sense of unease. “I’m looking for my brother. Have you seen him?” “Yes, but I am terribly lonely,” the creature said. “Come play with me and I will show him to you. Let us go this way.” It glided past her and she did as she was told for once in her life, and began to follow. As it led her deeper into the forest she began to realize that it was odd that there were no birds or other animals. It was almost as silent as death, the only sound being her own footsteps and the subtle rushing of air from the creatures gliding in front of her. Suddenly it stopped, her right behind. They were in the middle of a small, gloomy, clearing. “Is he here?” she asked, craning her neck to see every possible inch of the area surrounding her as if her brother might pop out from around a tree. Maybe he would be there to play with them. “Oh yes, child,” the figure replied. “He is here in spirit. As are so many children before him.” It flashed its sinister smile at her again. She frowned, her brow furrowing in confusion. “I don’t get it.” Where there was only shadow, there was suddenly bright, blinding circles that she assumed were the creature’s eyes. Around them, the clearing grew brighter, glowing shapes swirling all around them. She spun around, her eyes widening in shock, awe, and suddenly fear. She immediately recognized the shapes as humans, though they seemed to be floating in midair. They had their eyes closed. She turned slowly, looking at all of them, eventually facing the creature again, its face locked in a perpetual grimace. A familiar voice whispered in her ear, “Run. Don’t trust it.” Her brother. Now she was truly, utterly terrified. Directly behind the creature, she could see his form, as ghostly as the rest, though he was standing upright in one place, eyes open, his brow furrowed as if it took all his concentration to remain stationary. Suddenly the shadowy figure’s eyes snapped shut and its smile vanished instantly. “You have chosen to play with me, as did your brother. Would you like to join him?” She shook her head, feeling tears well up in her eyes. “I wanna go home,” she whimpered. “This is your home now,” it whispered, drawing close to her. “You can’t leave me now, not after you promised you’d play with me.” The grin had returned, and now it was so close to her that she could see a very real mouth behind the teeth, unlike the misty surface of the rest of the creature. She screamed, tears streaming down her face. Then suddenly everything was dark and hazy and cold. Very, very cold. And she could hear her brother’s voice saying “I told you not to follow me.”
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This story send tingles down my spine. I really want you to write more!!!!! I really like how you described the child's innocence... it made the story more believable
ReplyDelete- Kailah O'Brien
The last sentence gave me chills all over after I read it! I LOVED the use of imagery throughout the entire peice, it really made me feel like I was the girl in the story. Overall, i think this was very well written and it makes me wonder... was this a nightmare of yours? It is so creative and spooky, and I'm ready for a sequel. Great job Allicia!
ReplyDeleteMegan T
Thank you! I was going for that immersive feel. Nope not a nightmare haha, just a product of my fascination with short horror stories. :)
DeleteThis gave me chills! Very eerie imagery, and I love the connection between the first and last sections. Awesome read :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I hoped someone would pick up on way her brother's words help to kind of bookend the story. :)
DeleteWoooow.... You story is SCARY!!! I don't mean to seem overly dramatic but I'm a super scary person and almost anything scares me and your story makes me not wanna go to sleep or be in the dark at all. I had an idea of what the "black smoke" with white grin looked like and the image in my head has me terrified to lay down but nice story.
ReplyDeleteWOW! I love the suspense and use of imagery in this story. I also love how it shows the innocence that children tend to have at a young age. However my question is, why was the main character a child? Would the story be different if the main character was older?
ReplyDelete-Lauren J.
Thank you! The main character was a child because the innocence and imagination that young children have makes them more receptive than adults to things that are completely outrageous, sometimes dangerous even, and they tend to see the best in things even if they really shouldn't. I think it would definitely be different if the main character was an adult because I believe an adult would have instantly realized something was out of the ordinary and would have distrusted the creature and its promises.
DeleteThis is so good! It kept me hooked till the last sentence. Good use of sensory details :)
ReplyDeleteThis story was SCARRYY!! But it was a good one I wish there was more for me to read. I will be looking for what happens next. Great story Allicia.
ReplyDeleteThe story is very vivid, your imageries were very amazing. As I was reading it I had a very clear picture in my head of what was happening. I really REALLY love it!- Martina P.
ReplyDeleteWoaahh! The ending of the story was definitely not something I was expecting. I was on the edge of my seat while reading this. This made me feel very nerve wracking. I must say WELL DONE! I loved every single aspect of it.
ReplyDeleteYooo this story is really amazing! I love reading dark and scary things so you helped my fulfill my thirst for something scary. I loved reading it and as I kept reading I eventually got so sucked into the story that I didn't realize it ended. I would love to read the outcome of it. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Aliyah Dumas
This reads just like something out of Scary "Stories to Tell in the Dark". I was really hoping it would be a dream at the end, and the little girl would be asleep in her bed safe and sound. I guess I've been conditioned to expect happy endings. Great story, i'll make sure to stay out of the woods.
ReplyDeleteWOW! I absolutely love this story. It had wonderful descriptions that really made me feel like I was watching a movie. Really suspenseful story, it actually made me wonder what was going to happen when I got halfway through. The imagery really got me to love your story. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Deric S.
I liked the ending, although I knew it was coming. The dark imagery intensified the mystery & thrill of this piece, which also kept the reader interested & itching to find out what happened.
ReplyDeleteYour use of imagery kept me interested from beginning to end and i just couldn't stop reading!Especially with the ending! I could feel the girls terror growing at the end as my own! Amazing job!
ReplyDeleteThis would have been so perfect for an October piece! But I'm so glad you decided to submit now, this was such a great read. I admire how well you characterized and communicated the naiveté of the girl without even providing any backstory, that's something I always found was extremely hard to do, but you pulled it off so well!
ReplyDeleteWow! This piece made me feel really nerve wrecked! especially with your use of dark imagery and connotation. I was on the edge of my seat while I continued reading this. The ending was definitely not something I was expecting. WELL DONE!
ReplyDeleteReading this, I noticed plenty of imageries and how great it was used in this flash fiction. The ending is what really gave me the chills. Amazing job!
ReplyDelete-Benjamin C
I was biting my nails while reading this! You sure know how to keep someone on the edge of their seat. The imagery you used allowed me to almost picture myself in the child's position. I really enjoyed your piece.
ReplyDelete- Ashlyn Barron
The imagery in this story is so amazing, I love it! :) I think your portrayal of the dark creature was on point, and it gave the story a very eerie vibe. The ending was great as well.
ReplyDeleteWow! This was such a interesting piece, your use of dark imagery scared me while I was reading. Great job Allicia!
ReplyDelete- Jade B.
This was such a great story! I love the imagery and details you put into the girl's personality and how you showed the real relationship of a brother and sister. You took a statement that big brothers would say to their sister in reality and made it the base of your plot. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Diamond R.
This story is so immersive! I really like your use of detail and imagery when describing your story! I also really like the suspense you put into this story!
ReplyDeleteThis short story was amazing!! I love stories that just get you wanting more and that is exactly what you did to me. I thought at the end just wow this story is so good I felt as if I was the little girl.
ReplyDeleteWow! I really like how you made this into a spooky, different kind of piece. I actually kind of got scared because it actually is like a scary movie, you switched it up like no other! And I really enjoy reading scary pieces it makes it more interesting to look at -Lyndsey Ortega
ReplyDeleteThe story was so eerie and I really liked it. I liked that you put it into a child's perspective because it helped enhance a sense of curiosity, innocence and imagination throughout the story. I loved how it ended really mysterious like and how you left the readers with questions of what happened, it made me wish there was more. -Leezeth De Los Reyes
ReplyDeleteI really like this story! The imagery you used help me to get a very clear picture of what the little girl was experiencing and it made me feel like I was her. I actually wanted to know what happened next so great job at grabbing the attention of the reader.
ReplyDeleteVery well written! I automatically thought of the paranormal Hoia Baciu Forest when you mentioned that she stepped into a clearing where there was no sign of human or animal activity. That only added to the shivers running down my spine! I love it though!
ReplyDelete-Jessica B
This story would have been great for October and I really like the description that you used to describe the atmosphere of the story, they were clear and vivid images. Great story!!!
ReplyDelete-Dominic F.
I honestly want to read more of this. The story was so suspenseful and good that now I do not want to do anything but read more scary/suspenseful stuff.
ReplyDelete-Matthew Jimenez
As I was reading this story it reminded me of a dream I once had about my brother. Reading this eloquent story brought tears to my eyes because it was as if I was reliving the dream all over again. With that I felt like I was the girl and for a moment I was fearful and panicking, because I came to realization that in my imagination I was actually experiencing/witnessing all these dark images and events.
ReplyDeletethe beginning has very nice imagery that allowed me to picture the scene perfectly as well as throughout the novel as you described the black figure and little girl. I was very intrigued by the writing an wanting to keep on reading past the end. the story automatically hooked me and made me want to continue reading, it was well developed and interesting.
ReplyDelete-Emma D.
This story is so good it gives me the chills, you did an awesome job with it. I love your use of imagery and suspense, you can feel what the main character feels as if you are walking right beside her. I really enjoyed reading this and I really I wish that there was more of it.
ReplyDeleteAs the Stephen King fan I am, I enjoyed reading this piece very much. Very mysterious and kept me wanting to read more and more. Great use of imagery too! Good jobs
ReplyDeleteThis story left me wanting more with its amazing imagery. Nice work! -Nour Ghonim
ReplyDeleteThe setting of the story was well described. I could feel where they were and felt the fear and mystery from the description. The kids seemed liked they'd be maybe 7 and 12. All older brothers say "don't follow me!", and that little bit made the story believable, I can't tell you how many times my older brother has told me not to follow him. Good story that really set the scene quickly.
ReplyDeleteJustin Huggins
This was honestly so amazing. I could picture the whole story in my head because your imagery was so vivid and descriptive! I could practically feel everything that was happening and it made me feel like I was right there with the little girl. I wish this could be the beginning to a book because I would MOST DEFINITELY read it. Incredible job!
ReplyDelete-Blessing Dobie
I loved the way this poem was written! It had imagery which helped me visualize what was happening in the story. It is very unique and I would love to read a continuation.
ReplyDelete- Jazmin Gracias
I loved the way this poem was written! It had imagery which helped me visualize what was happening in the story. It is very unique and I would love to read a continuation.
ReplyDelete- Jazmin Gracias
I really love all of the imagery you used in this piece. It really helps capture the image of the forrest. I also love the crazy suspense! It really freaked me out! I think you could direct the next conjuring movie! Great Job
ReplyDeleteDang Allicia, I LOVED this story. i love how spooky it is, and how it made my mind go wild with thoughts and pictures!i also love how you you connected the beginning to the end, great job!
ReplyDelete-karina lopez
This story was really amazing! I normally don't read scary stories, but your story was too good not to read. By the time I got the end of the story, I wish that I didn't because I couldn't stop reading. I loved your story and because of it I may start reading more scary stories. - Anissa Rivera
ReplyDeleteOnce I read "its head and grinned, displaying sharp, shining white teeth" I was hoping that this little girl would start running as fast as she could to get as far away from him as possible. This piece reminded me of the phrase "curiosity killed the cat". Your descriptions made me feel like I was watching a movie instead of reading a blog post. Great job, this by far was my favorite piece.
ReplyDelete-Nicole Campos
Wow this story made me feel as if I was in a spooky movie! The imagery was crazy intense and made everything feel real. This a great piece very well written.
ReplyDelete-Blanca Landeros
The tone is mysterious and cold throughout the entire story. I liked how the shadow is described in the story. It got sharp teeth and had a collection of human corpse. It's easy to infer that the shadow is a vampire, though directly stated nowhere in the story.
ReplyDelete- Raymond Chiang
Your imagery was definitely very effective, I was instantly taken into the forest and dragged along the little girls journey with this unknown creature. Although, I will say my favorite part by far was the mystery of the creature itself and the ambiguity you left surrounding its identity. The fact that we do not know exactly what this creature is, in my opinion, makes him/it all the more menacing. By not defining it you left it open to interpretation and allowed the readers to try an decipher its source and its abilities. Without a concrete explanation of what it is the creature is left without limits and there's no telling what havoc and pain it is possible of inflicting. The lack of explanation about its source or background really left me wanting more!
ReplyDelete-Yareli Olazabal
Amazing! The dark creature had my attention the whole time. I love the vivid description of it. The innocence of the girl was almost saddening knowing she didn't know what was to come
ReplyDeleteReally liked your piece, seems to capture something most of us would be scared of it a similar situation would arise, also seems like maybe a personal situation might have influenced this, which makes it more intriguing and placing it close to some of my favorite pieces. I really like seeing pieces like this, big fan of eerie pieces like this.
ReplyDelete-Francis Talla
The dark imagery and suspense in this piece is great. you did an amazing job at taking this story and making it come alive with the imagery. Great piece!
ReplyDelete-Brie Dehoyos
this story definitely gave me chills!!! I absolutely loved how you told a story of a typical brother and sister , In the beginning I thought the brother was just being mean by not allowing his sister to follow him but he was just trying to protect her. I also loved your use of imagery , I could see the whole story inside of my head. Wonderful job.
ReplyDelete-Narelle Stewart.