When one thinks of the moon, the embodiment of mystery is
among the many traits that come to mind. Sure there’s beauty, with a hint of
darkness but I just could never seem to get past the mystery. When I looked at
her, it felt like I was looking at the moon. There was a quiet sense of serene
beauty, but a screaming sense of a little darkness. It was the air of mystery
that had always captivated me the most. It was almost as if she was the moon
herself. Her eyes brought you in one second, just to suddenly blink and cast
you away the next. The old saying goes that the sun died every night just to
let the moon breathe. Despite seeing her everyday, I was nothing more than a
stranger. I was a shadow in her world doing all that I could to ensure her
happiness. The mystery that she was to me, was that she would never remember
me. Each night she closed her eyes knowing me, only to wake up the next day
forgetting.
I loved this. I thought that this was real until I read that this was flash fiction. The descriptive words help convey the the imagery of "her" and really helped me see and feel the presence of the moon.
ReplyDeleteI kind of had one question though. What did you mean in the ending when you said, "The mystery that she was to me, was that she would never remember me. Each night she closed her eyes knowing me, only to wake up the next day forgetting." I feel like I interpreted it wrong, but you don't have to respond if you don't want to.
Great story!!
-Andrew Lin
The last line was kind of the revealing of the mystery, and why she would never remember. In the story the girl can't remember becasue she has a bad memory, so it's some sort of Alzhemiers or Dementia.
DeleteThe last line of your short story...I am struggling to understand what it means... in a good way. The line kinda lingers in my mind after reading it. Amazing!!! I also liked the line the " the moon dies every night so that the sun could breathe" its profound.
ReplyDelete-Kailah O'Brien
The last line of the story was kind of like the reavealing of the mystery. Unfortunatly, the girl doesn't have the best of times with memory, and it affects the way that she see's the speaker, and her overall course of life. I'm glad that it was left resonating in your mind afterwards though!
DeleteI really enjoyed the use of imagery in the piece. I really thought it interesting of the irony of mystery as well. It was very well used on how she was a mystery, however you knew what the mystery was. So, in a sense of an oxymoron, you creatively used the phrase of a "known mystery".
ReplyDeleteI loved how you used the moon and sun in a metaphorical and developed imagery that helped me get a stronger sense of how you view the moon ,in all its mysterious glory. Amazing , flash fiction!
ReplyDeleteGreat short story, loved the imagery to give a real view into the story. Also a great use of innuendos to get more than one point across in some of the parts. There was also a high attention to detail in the story with it being so minimalistic.
ReplyDeleteI love how compared the moon to a woman. My favorite lines are "There was a quiet sense of serene beauty.." and "Her eyes brought you in one second." They show the true beauty of the moon or of a woman. In my opinion of course. Great Piece!!
ReplyDelete-Kameryn Simkiss
I love the use of imagery! The use of descriptive words really created a vivid picture in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI love how you compared the moon to the woman, and how you can clearly see the struggle for the guy to be noticed by her, although everyone notices the moon. I also love the characteristics you gave to the moon and the woman. It painted a wonderful picture in my mind. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Aliyah Dumas
Comparing the moon to the woman gave a powerful feel with the meaning of mystery. I liked the line about the moon & the sun, showing what the person does for a woman who doesn't notice.
ReplyDeleteI really love your use of imagery in this piece and also your comparison to this mysterious girl to the moon, which does also have many mysteries of its own. Not only that, I love the mystery that you leave your readers with by the time we get to the last line. Why doesn't she remember??
ReplyDeleteI love how you made a connection with the sun dying to let the moon breathe and the speaker making sure that the girl was happy. it made me think of a guardian angel.
ReplyDelete-Deric Stephens
I loved your use of visual imagery. It allowed me to picture an image so well in my head. Your choice of diction also created a very mysterious tone and I think the imagery and diction corresponded very well.
ReplyDelete-Ashlyn Barron
There's a lot of symbolism and imagery that gives this a mysterious tone. It is well written because it makes the reader think of what is being read - Taylor Powers
ReplyDeleteThis is such a powerful piece! I really enjoyed your use of imagery and how you compared the moon to the girl, it just added to the mystery! Great job!
ReplyDelete- Jade B
What a great piece! It gave me such a daunting, spooky vibe and I really appreciate your use of vocabulary. The mysterious girl being compared to the moon really enticed me especially because in old tales, the moon is really viewed as a woman.
ReplyDeleteYour amazing use of imagery helps to show the woman in the story. I also love how you compared the moon to the woman and how they both give off a sense of imagery.
ReplyDeleteI love this. It really gave me a sense of belief in the idea that there is beauty in the unknown. Also, I like that you portrayed the speaker as almost undyingly devoted to "her" despite the indifferent way she treats the speaker. Such a great peice! :)
ReplyDeleteIt's such a satisfying flash fiction! All the components really kept me engaged as you developed this persona for the moon. I could imagine the speaker rambling on sentence after sentence, yearning for a certain satisfaction or acknowledgement?
ReplyDelete"Her eyes brought you in one second, just to suddenly blink and cast you away the next." This hit me!
Awesome piece, Esther!
The intricate details and visual stimulation with your words are astounding! The moon is given such a personified and surreal image, as I'm sure was your main intent,and this leads for some questions on the backdrop of this piece and who "she" really is.
ReplyDeleteThe title was very intriguing to me and the story was really warming. I loved the comparison to the moon and how you added the old saying because in my opinion it added more to the story. Great job! - Leezeth De Los Reyes
ReplyDeleteGreat metaphor comparing the moon and a woman and conveying the mysteries they can be. I really enjoyed all the imagery used. It created a vivid picture in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you describe the moon and the sun because I felt like I was really there, and a type of mystery piece makes it even more interesting, the imagery used on the moon made me feel like I was really apart of the story, why is it a muster by the way? Other than that, good job!! -Lyndsey Ortega
ReplyDeleteThe imagery through out your piece was the best part to me I felt as though I could completely understand the speakers thoughts and emotions.
ReplyDeleteYour use of diction was perfect to give a clear mental image and tone through the comparison from the girl to the moon. The tone is very mysterious and has the readers wanting more. I thought the last sentence was a great way to end this and really tied it all together.
ReplyDeleteI loved the way how you compared the girl to the moon because it gave an actual aspect of how the speaker felt of that person and the last line made me wonder if the girl has Alzheimer or just a terrible memory.
ReplyDelete-Matthew Jimenez
Great piece I really enjoyed it. I noticed that your word choice is very interesting and because of that it made the piece feel very powerful.
ReplyDelete-Cameron Smith
I loved this piece because I also love to write about the mysterious "her" or "him" and can especially appreciate a good extended metaphor! Also really enjoy an ending that leaves the reader kinda confused, in awe, and wanting to hear more which I think you did well!
ReplyDelete-Vanessa Lai
I genuinely enjoyed reading your piece, i found myself really getting into it emotionally. Using the metaphor to compare the moon to the girl worked well together and i applaud for this specific line which stood out to me,"Each night she closed her eyes knowing me, only to wake up the next day forgetting."
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed how you wrote about the moon as if it were a close friend. The reveal that the relationship was one sided made for a great conclusion.
ReplyDelete-Andre Burgos
oh my heck. i loved this piece, it really made me feel something beautiful and the way you compared the girl to the beauty and mystery of the moon was beautiful.
ReplyDelete-Rachel Smith
Your use of imagery really helped create a picture of this story in my mind. I really like your metaphor comparing the moon and woman, adding mystery to this piece. Another part that was interesting was when you said, "the sun died every night just to let the moon breathe." This really helped me understand the true meaning of this story. The realization I had at the end of this when I found out that this girl has Dementia or Alzheimers really put this whole thing together. Intriguing piece! -Nour Ghonim
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you picked up on the shoddy memory part! Though there were obviously many different interpritations to the last line, my original intent was to make it seem as though a love that she would never remember/be aware of.
DeleteThis piece has well used imagery and symbols with the moon and the sun. I loved the tone of the story because it gives more of a mysterious feeling. This is a great piece of writing.
ReplyDelete-Harley Liera (2)
The fact that a lot of people can relate to this was a very great way to captivate an audience. I know I don't just speak for myself when I say that we have all been in one sided relationships and can relate to the speaker here, very sad, very easy to connect emotionally. Great piece!
ReplyDelete-Armando Chacon
This is a very creative piece of flash fiction. I absolutely love the different uses of imagery and allusions in comparison to the moon being the mysterious girl that the speaker has admiration for yet would only forget about them the next day.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
Your piece was very intriguing. The girl was described as having the mystery of the dark side of the moon (I hope I interpreted it correctly)which was a great way to truly capture how the speaker feels toward the girl and how the speaker views their relationship. Awesome job!!!
ReplyDelete-Bryanna Torres
I thought this was absolutely beautiful and so poetic, your use of diction was amazing as well! -Alexis Rivera
ReplyDeleteI loved how you used the moon as a metaphor for a person and her beauty. I also loved how although the moon can not literally cast shadows since its not the sun the person admiring the moon still stood in its shadows, showing how this person truly felt in importance to the person they are admiring.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate how you described beauty beyond what we conventionally use. Your parallel to the routine of our heavily bodies truly demonstrates your creativity as a writer.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this piece. It left me feeling a sense of loneliness and emptiness because it was so rich in detail. I felt like I could relate to it and I just really admired the way you created a connection between the moon and "her." What really got to me was how you emphasized the somewhat disconnection between you and her and it left a sense of mystery as well. I am totally intrigued and I want to know more. You did a really great job!
ReplyDelete-Blessing Dobie
I enjoyed the piece in that the character tries so hard to let his loved one notice him and love him back as he really appreciates her. However, as many things are, his wishes are not granted and she fails to remember his affection after a day. Overall, this poem was well written with lots of imagery to convey the main idea.
ReplyDeleteI have never thought to refer of day and night as man and woman. It does create a mystery about the passing of the two planets. So important to this world but so unaware of it. So unaware of us.
ReplyDeleteThis piece literally left me speechless. I feel as if my soul has been touched. The moon amazes me in so many different ways and I love the fact that you compared it to a girl. Everything about this piece was perfect.
ReplyDeletei thought this piece was heart warming to know you feel that way for someone and LOVED how you compared it to how the sun saying it died every night just to let the moon breathe, comparing the girl to the moon. loved this piece, great job!!
ReplyDelete-karina lopez
I really loved the comparison of the girl to the moon, it really helped me see that mysterious girl you were talking about. I loved how you also included the quote on how the sun dies each night to let the moon breathe. This piece reminds me of forbidden love, and also shows the struggle that some people will do for those who wont notice.
ReplyDelete-Nicole Campos
I enjoyed the way you made the comparisons between the moon and how you made the different connections. I could visualize what you were saying through your thorough descriptions and use of imagery . Which made the story better and improve as a whole , you obviously took time in this story.
ReplyDelete-Sereenah Soare
I loved the symbolism of the moon as the girl, it reminded me of times in life where I'd do stuff for people with out them known and the happiness that would bring me but it also makes me wonder about times where people have done nice things for me with out me even knowing, like my mom always taking care of me. This piece made me really appreciate the people in my life.
ReplyDeleteYour use of figurative language is great! I really enjoyed how clearly the reader could understand the speaker's emotions. The fact that we're learning about the girl from only the speaker's persepective adds to the mystery and evokes sympathy from the reader for this speaker who clearly feels invisible or unaknowledged by the person he/she wants to be most seen by. Loved the story!
ReplyDeleteThe piece conveyed a praising tone through the comparison between the moon and a woman. The moon is indeed like a woman. She is mysterious, clear and pure while being inconsistent and difficult to predict. On the same hand, the poem described how "the moon" never remember the speaker, adding a cold and difficult to approach trait to herself. The poem reminded me of ancient chinese poetries that also described women with jade and moon, the inorganic and beautiful matters.
ReplyDelete- Raymond Chiang
I really felt your piece. Whether the girl acted this way intentionally or not towards the speaker, the speaker despite feeling unnoticed and unacknowledged, sacrificed everything, as long as she remained happy. Niiice
ReplyDelete-Tristan Perez
The imagery that you used to compare the girl and the moon was among I love his piece so much because so many people can conect to being the invisible admirer
ReplyDelete- Diane Mendoza
Your articulation of such poetic words is so captivating. I appreciate your use of imagery simply because it paints a vivid picture in mind which allows me to understand the poem better.
ReplyDeleteMany people can relate to this piece, which in this case, is a little sad and painful, but that's good, making your audience feel emotion, even bad ones, is always a good thing. People tend to love the piece more because they can relate to it, and a good piece is one you can always put yourself in.
ReplyDeleteAlright first of all, I was just heavily impacted, like a man standing in front of a freight train. This piece of work is heavily relatable, and your beautiful use of imagery to provided details of the moon and connecting it further to an individual was phenomenal. In a sense, I also felt a little sense of you and who you are by your choice of the topic, and using the moon to create an extended metaphor on the brevity of an experience compared to its weighted impact was a great choice
ReplyDelete-Vincent
Alright first of all, I was just heavily impacted, like a man standing in front of a freight train. This piece of work is heavily relatable, and your beautiful use of imagery to provided details of the moon and connecting it further to an individual was phenomenal. In a sense, I also felt a little sense of you and who you are by your choice of the topic, and using the moon to create an extended metaphor on the brevity of an experience compared to its weighted impact was a great choice
ReplyDelete-Vincent Santos
-Vincent
I absolutely loved this. For a very long time, I wished that I would be able to write anything: essays, stories, blogs. But my writing is just not my forte I guess. I love how your story is very deep and mysterious-like, and leaves to the imagination. I would love to read more!
ReplyDelete