Wednesday, September 28, 2016
The Murder on 85th Street--Cameron
“Jake come with me” I said to my twin brother. “Why? What do you want I’m trying to
watch football.” “Just listen to me. Last night I heard footsteps outside in the backyard similar to
your loud obnoxious footsteps but worse” “ok and what does that have to do with me? It was
probably just dad”. “No, it wasn’t him see look”. I took him outside and pointed out footprints
twice the size of any normal person’s foot. “Oh my gosh this is clearly the footprints of bigfoot.
We finally have evidence that he is real. We are going to be rich. “Jake stop being an idiot we all
know bigfoot isn’t real so these footprints have to belong to someone else. At ten o’clock tonight
we need to investigate. Meet me down here and we will sit all night until we find out where those
footprints came from”. The time came and we were both ready to become detectives. I brought
out two lawn chairs. “Are you ready to get to the bottom of this?” “I’ve been ready” said Jake.
Several hours past and nothing happened-or so we thought. “Isabella stop playing I know that
was you” said Jake. “What are you talking about? What was me?” “You just kicked my leg” “I
promise you I didn’t”. “Then what was it?” “I don’t know”. Later, I felt something rush past me.
There was no noise and nothing in sight. I thought it was a ghost but I kept telling myself it
wasn’t so I wouldn’t lose my cool so I just ignored it and went back to playing detective. About
ten minutes later I felt it again. “Jake did you feel that”? There was no response. “Jake did you
feel that?” I said again a little louder, but still no response. I got up and turned on the backyard
lights and to my surprise he was nowhere in sight. I ran inside screaming for my parents when
suddenly I was stopped in my tracks. There was blood all over the kitchen floor with a trail
leading to my parent’s bedroom. I ran to their room and there I saw both my parents and my
brother all dead in the bed. I called the police and within five minutes there was an ambulance
and about four cop cars outside my house. I went out to talk to them and the first thing the cop
said to me was “ma’am there has been an axe murderer on the loose in your neighborhood and
I think he is after you.” I was shook. He told me to come with him and he would take me to the
county jail so I could help with their investigation. Before I left I ran inside to grab my phone and
a jacket and-I can’t remember the rest but now my family and I laugh about this situation
everyday.
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I liked reading this but I'm really confused..
ReplyDeleteI liked the suspense and thrill from reading this piece, but i'm also confused too. The family is still alive or was all this just a hallucination?
ReplyDeleteLol after re-reading it I can see how you could have gotten confused. The whole family is dead including Isabella it was not a hallucination. Thank you for your comment.
DeleteI like the humor you included in the beginning, the events in the story occurred really fast and it was a little hard for me to understand the first go around, but upon second read it really began to grow on me. I like the dialogue between the characters and really like the title. It is super creative and an enjoyable but confusing read. The ending had me "shook" though, I really want to know why they laugh about this everyday.
ReplyDeleteYour amazing use of suspense kept me on the edge of the seat as I continued reading. I'm still kind of confused as to why the family laughs about the situation if they're dead?? Overall, this is an outstanding piece with your use of dialect and very fitting with Halloween coming up.
ReplyDeleteI loved the suspense this piece had, and use of imagery, it was a great read. I would just like to know why the family laughs about it everyday? This piece was well written. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the playful vibe that the story gave off!
ReplyDelete-Austin Gomez
The dialogue between characters and suspenseful tone really add to this mystery piece. The concise use of sentence structure makes this a really fast pace story, and I love it! I am a little confused by your ending statement, but would love to know what you meant by adding it as the ending to your work.
ReplyDeleteThe ending was my way of signifying that Isabella also died but that didn't come across so well but I kind of like how it leaves everyone confused and wanting to find out more lol it wasn't my intention but it works.
DeleteI like how it started it off all serious then out of nowhere the last line twists the whole plot of the story, which kind of confuses me but I find it very interesting. -Martina Panganiban
ReplyDeleteThe suspense of the poem really got to me but not sure whether the family is still alive or not otherwise great poem!!
ReplyDeleteThis piece seriously had me on the edge of my seat! I was truly getting scared, especially when I read, "There was blood all over the kitchen floor with a trail leading to my parent’s bedroom." Reading this sentence had me "shook!" But overall wonderful piece, and lovely and energetic dialogue!
ReplyDelete-Gabbie Boo
Oh my goodness this is such a nice comment thank you so much. I'm glad that it had you shaking in your boots.
DeleteI really enjoyed the suspenseful tone in this piece, it kept me intrigued through out the entire piece. Im just a bit confused about the ending, yet it was a really good piece.
ReplyDeleteI love the suspense! Sounds like everyone does too. I was reading this faster and faster like "oh my God!" Hahah. I really would like to understand the ending. Am I sensing irony? --Keala Naipo
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy how you displayed a suspenseful tone throughout the story. The title is quite captivating. Very nice. :)
ReplyDelete- Jessica B
Like most of the others, the ending had me a bit confused. Was the ending "my family and I laugh about this situation
ReplyDeleteeveryday" meant to say that the whole story was a dream/ hallucination? Or Perhaps the 'family' laughing is actually the speaker in a post traumatic delusion where they still believe their family is alive? Regardless, i really enjoyed the story and how you were able to present a horror story in a more lighthearted and comical way through your use of dialogue. Very Creative!
-Yareli Olazabal
I have to agree with some of the other people who commented; I'm a little lost as to what happened to Isabella. Was this all just a dream? Was the ax murderer a killer clown? Why was Isabella the only one alive if she was supposed to be the intended target? I love how this story is making the gears in my brain turn trying to figure out this mystery and all the suspense you created in this piece. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis story has a lot of potential, it has suspenseful elements and the dynamic between Isabella and Jake have personalities that you can see in how they speak to each other, however the story seems pretty rushed right towards the end. The story does make me think, questioning who the ax wielding murderer could be, it was a pretty creative piece and I did enjoy reading this. Good job.
ReplyDeleteMan, I love how it started off with a comedic tone and with the flip of a switch turned so serious. I'm quite curious as to why Isabella was the only one to survive though, it just adds another level to the mystery.
ReplyDeleteHAH! Im going to assume they all died and they're all laughing in a morbid sort of way in heaven. I enjoyed reading the story I thought you did a good job in describing the setting of the story.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the suspense in your story and thought it made the story more interesting. The twist at the end had me laughing and wondering who the murderer is. Great job in the flow of conversation between Jake and Isabella. It kept me interested and this piece was well written.
ReplyDelete