To Be Continued--J'Noie

I’ve had a lot of pivotal moments in my life: when I lost my first tooth, found out that Santa wasn’t real, and when I finally wasn't afraid of the dark anymore. These moments as small as they may be still have helped shape who I am today. One of my most memorable moments and most life shaping moments is when I found my happiness and decided I wanted to be a musician.

At the beginning of June I made the decision that I was stressing myself out. I cared about the little things and carried everyone's weight on my shoulders. Consequently I decided to take a break from the world. I turned my phone off and decided to start enjoying life. I drove a lot whether it was just to the grocery market or if it was to music I spent a lot of time alone which is what I needed. I learned more about myself and about the people I choose to surround myself with. Specifically speaking the people I call my “bestfriends” really aren't I mean one’s a dancer she's never anywhere to be found and then when I called her it was like I was bothering her. With my parents I learned that they're on the borderline of getting a divorce and they'd be a lot happier apart and with myself I learned that I need to stay focused.

My biggest problem throughout high school and throughout life is that I've always been easily distracted. Now not all distractions are bad distractions but they should be temporary. I let the little shadow in the corner become my main focus in life.  Then i realized that my distraction was my talent. I had always put all of my energy into pointless AP classes and spent all my late nights doing homework and was struggling to focus on what was important to me. My distraction was music.  Music wasn’t just a distraction though, it was my life.  I always chose to ignore it and  that’s where I went wrong. I denied myself the right to be who I actually was.  My biggest mistake was denying me myself.  All the time I spent being unhappy and bitter and resenting people that had hurt me. I hadn’t forgiven others because I hadn’t had time to forgive myself.  These epiphanies had helped me decide that I wanted to be a musician.

My happiness was hard to find due to my recent. I have a very hard time letting things go.  Due to the neglect in my life I've never really felt it necessary to seek an apology from anyone.  I don’t want people’s sympathy at all. I mean when your “bestfriend” gets you dropped from an honors chemistry class what do you say to them ? “Say sorry” no you keep moving.   This isn’t a bitter plea for attention or a want for an apology but the point in saying this is who cares? At the end of the day people don’t care and you shouldn’t either. This doesn’t mean go and be reckless but effort goes both ways why force something or beg someone when you can be happy alone.  I always put myself in positions to be hurt by people who only looked out for themselves.  After all the time I’ve invested in people I decided to invest in myself.  Emotionally I stopped seeking support and gave it to myself “dried my down tears” so to speak and kept moving.  My personal evolution came when I decided I knew what my worth and what I deserved.  After drawing the lines with people who treated me less than I started to see the sunshine and myself in a different light. It’s so important to surround yourself with people that value you and more importantly to value yourself.  It seems like an unspoken virtue to have but most people tend to forget how much value they actually do have.  Imposing yourself worth upon people will help you distinguish the good from the bad and everything else will fall into place.

In short my growth and development came from recognizing who I was and what I deserved.  In the long run it’s worth it to remove people from your life that hold no value. You don’t deserve less than and it’s okay to demand chivalry.  It’s okay to cry as long as you get yourself back together and get up. Lastly, it’s okay to love and not in a romantic sense but just love what you’re around and what you do.  Be happy. Be you.