I screamed as I watched my brother’s body disappear under the deep blue water. The thick
liquid traveled quick, destroying anything and everything in its path. Debris and lifeless bodies
were carried away by the ocean seeking destruction.
I watched as the water grew closer and closer to the building that me and many others were upon. I heard screams of pain, screams of relief, and screams of grief.
The only family that I had left was eaten by the sea. I told him that i had a horrible feeling about this vacation, i knew something dreadful was bound to happen.
I just didn’t expect it to be a tsunami.
My legs felt like lead, and i fell down to my knees and buried my head in my hands. I felt a shaky hand touch my shoulder and i looked up wearily. No words were spoken, but i stood up and engulfed the woman in a hug and cried into her shoulder.
I looked at the other people on the roof of the building, and saw so much blood. Blood from children, blood from adults, perhaps blood that wasn’t even theirs.
I let go of the woman and muttered a ‘thank you’ and she nodded and turned. I sat down on the edge of the building, and watched as the water crashed into our building, causing it to shake, but not crumble. I covered my mouth as i saw an empty stroller aimlessly floating in the substance.
I looked over my shoulder at the woman whom i’d hugged, and saw she was already watching me.
She was young, maybe in her early twenties. I couldn’t imagine how i looked, being fourteen years old. Her shirt was ripped at the hem, and her dirty blonde hair was tangled with small debris. She shook her head, seeming to know what i was thinking.
I heard her heavy footsteps running towards me, and her high voice screaming ‘no’, but i knew she’d never make it in time.
I pushed myself off the building, and silently watched the ocean come closer and closer to me. I smelled something sweet. Syrup maybe? I faintly heard my brother’s laugh. I smelled the minty air freshener i had in my room. I stared at the bright red car directly below me, waiting for me
And then i woke up.
I watched as the water grew closer and closer to the building that me and many others were upon. I heard screams of pain, screams of relief, and screams of grief.
The only family that I had left was eaten by the sea. I told him that i had a horrible feeling about this vacation, i knew something dreadful was bound to happen.
I just didn’t expect it to be a tsunami.
My legs felt like lead, and i fell down to my knees and buried my head in my hands. I felt a shaky hand touch my shoulder and i looked up wearily. No words were spoken, but i stood up and engulfed the woman in a hug and cried into her shoulder.
I looked at the other people on the roof of the building, and saw so much blood. Blood from children, blood from adults, perhaps blood that wasn’t even theirs.
I let go of the woman and muttered a ‘thank you’ and she nodded and turned. I sat down on the edge of the building, and watched as the water crashed into our building, causing it to shake, but not crumble. I covered my mouth as i saw an empty stroller aimlessly floating in the substance.
I looked over my shoulder at the woman whom i’d hugged, and saw she was already watching me.
She was young, maybe in her early twenties. I couldn’t imagine how i looked, being fourteen years old. Her shirt was ripped at the hem, and her dirty blonde hair was tangled with small debris. She shook her head, seeming to know what i was thinking.
I heard her heavy footsteps running towards me, and her high voice screaming ‘no’, but i knew she’d never make it in time.
I pushed myself off the building, and silently watched the ocean come closer and closer to me. I smelled something sweet. Syrup maybe? I faintly heard my brother’s laugh. I smelled the minty air freshener i had in my room. I stared at the bright red car directly below me, waiting for me
And then i woke up.
That was shocking. I felt like I was on vacation with you watching these events and then BAM, you pulled us back into reality, by claiming that you were dreaming. My one piece of advice, would be to make sure that all your proper nouns are capitalized and your I's. Other than that the tones helped developed the emotions you were feeling in that moment. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteWell you certainly know how to hook an audience don't you? The opening sentences shocked me and made me hang onto the narrator's every word. Thank goodness it was just a dream.
ReplyDeleteI didnt think it was going to end like that. Great Job
ReplyDeleteThis really gets the reader's attention.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! The ending was unexpected spitting your audience back into reality! A tip to take note of is to capitalize your I's. Besides that your piece was a thriller to read. Great job! (:
ReplyDeleteEvery single line provided more and more shock and I cringed as I read it. You did a great job capitvating the office and I could see everything so clearly in my head. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis story is very descriptive and imaginative...the only thing I think you could work on is the repeating of the words grief and blood. You could've said that those words one time and explain them in depth not needing to repeat the words grief and blood
ReplyDeletethere was a great hook it made me not want to stop reading this piece made me feel every emotion every step of the way great piece
ReplyDeleteWow what a vivid dream something I can relate too ! You had me hooked before I even got to the second paragraph very interesting ! Excellent
ReplyDeletethat was an amazing story. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteReally good intro, I was instantly hooked. This piece had many emotions, and I felt them as I read along. Nice use of imagery too. Overall, wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThis was at great story. Very discriptive
ReplyDeleteSome grammar mistakes you have, and the story will be more interesting if you made it seem to real event. That could really mess with the readers.
ReplyDeleteI liked reading this, it was good.
ReplyDelete-garrett lachase
This had such a good storyline! I felt like I was there watching it until you put us back into reality! Good job, I really enjoyed this story.
ReplyDeleteWhen I saw your title I thought it was going to be a normal vacation that ended badly. Then I kept reading and I knew this was not normal. You had me on my toes waiting for the next dramatic situation to happen. I love how your imagery was in the beginning too, "I screamed as I watched my brother’s body disappear under the deep blue water. The thick liquid traveled quick, destroying anything and everything in its path." Also I liked how you pulled the suspense out at the end, knowing the events told didn't happen. Nice Work!
ReplyDeleteI was freaking out, especially when I thought the narrator was about to die, and then I read the last line of your piece. Thank goodness it was just a dream, a scary one but at least the person lives. I enjoyed reading this. You got me hooked since the beginning and kept my attention. I really liked your use of repetition; it emphasized and dramatized your writing. Thank you for sharing your work.
ReplyDeletethat was an amazing story and it caught my attention.
ReplyDeleteGot my attention and it was well descriptive and detailed good job :)
ReplyDelete- Ian Mendoza
I LOVE IT! You had me at the edge of my seat. Not literally, because I am sitting on the floor. But it was amazing how you twisted it like that in the end.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness I cannot believe you're a freshman. This story is AMAZING! I love how creative it is and that it ended up being a dream. Well done!
ReplyDelete-Lauren Waitman
No way! You surprised me, great job!
ReplyDeleteI read the first couple of lines and I was like.... "WHAT". As i continued to read I could imagine everything. The very end when you said it was a dream, I was relieved. Great work!!
ReplyDeleteWow. I thoroughly enjoyed that. The way you described each scene was so captivating and kept me wondering what was going to happen. I really thought that it was going to end in her death, so that awesome plot twist caught me off guard! Well done, and keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great story! I feel like I was actually there experiencing this for myself. It was sad to feel this and then WOAH it was a dream. You definitely had me hooked into this story. Great job.
ReplyDeleteStrong beginning and a relieving end! I enjoyed this piece. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteGordon Marbun
Great use of imagery! I pictured the scenario myself because you had provided so much detail and perspective. Very well written.
ReplyDeleteSuch a fantastic story! Very descriptive and well thought out
ReplyDeleteThis is so creative and I hope you maintain you imagination throughout your life because so many people lack it and you are honestly one of the few that don't. great job.
ReplyDeleteoh my gosh this was great. i was so shocked to find out it was all a dream! and i am really anxious to find put if she tells her parents about the dream!
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing and I had so many emotions while I was reading this. I liked the sudden realization that it was all a dream, as opposed to a more gradual introduction. I enjoyed this very much! Good job!
ReplyDeleteYou're use of imagery was great and your story kept me at the edge of my seat curious as to what happen next. Thankfully it was just a dream. Good job
ReplyDeleteMy eyes and mouth were WIDE OPEN the whole story. I was anticipating and assuming endings after the first few sentences, I was longing for the finish of such a hell, and then "I woke up". But, in a real life situation, never take your own life. Let natural events, such as age, do the job.
ReplyDeleteAmazing! You had me hooked. Very unexpected ending, very descriptive and this brought forth many different emotions. good job
ReplyDeleteWow! your piece was mind blowing and scary. I'm glad that it was a dream! but overall a great use of imagery and diction. You had a marvelous hook that kept me interested all the way until the end. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteVery good opening and great use of detail and imagination.
ReplyDeleteExquisite job on your piece. Great plot, and use of wording in the limitations that you had. I am astonished to see someone write so well. If you keep practicing, who knows how far you will make it. great job.
ReplyDeletethis was amazing it was kind sad but i loved it
ReplyDelete-Diamend De Silva