Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Jacob--Santa Monica Lights
It was the beginning of summer in 2014. After a long school year, I was so excited it was finally summer. This meant that I was able to sleep in, watch t.v, play video games, and stay up late. But, the best part of my summer break was going to the Santa Monica Pier. I had always went to the beach over the summer but I had never gone to the Santa Monica Pier before. Me and my family woke up pretty early to get ready and head out. It took about forty five minutes to get there but since I brought my I pod to entertain me time flew by. When we finally arrived, we gathered our things and started heading towards shore. The sand was soft as blanket but became hotter then the sun so we quickly got settled. After we eat some sandwiches me and my family played some frisbee and a game of volleyball. Its really cool playing against my brothers because there really competitive when it comes to sports. After our game we rushed to the ocean with our boogie boards. The cool ocean breeze against my face felt cooler then ice. The smell of salt water started surrounding the area. Once we got use to the water, we quickly went further into the ocean waiting for the next wave to come. The first couple of waves were pretty big but nothing could compare to the one coming up. As it came closer and closer I glanced back at the shore and before I know it I’m underwater. I quickly rush for air and find my way back to shore. I look around and find my brothers and sister on the shore too. I felt like passing out but the sound of the seagulls above me woke me up. As I catch my breath I quickly rush back into the ocean and wait for the next wave to come my way. With everything but the sound of the waves going quite I know its time to finish what I started and ride the next wave that seems even bigger then the first one. Before I can breath it comes and before I know it I rode the wave all the way to shore. After I was done riding me and my family decided to walk to the Pier. By the time we got all of our things the sun was starting to die down and it was getting dark. Once we got there we saw the beautiful sight of the pier at night. The lights were so bright that it could fill the entire ocean of color and adventure. While we were walking on the shore, I though about how I went back out into the ocean even after I wiped out and didn’t let it stop me from riding the next wave. I learned that even If you fall in life you can always get back up. After we were done walking on the shore, we decided to head home. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much fun me and my family had. I’ll never forget this beach and I’ll never forget the beautiful Santa Monica lights.
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Although there were some grammatical/technical issues, you show an aptitude for detail. I love the line, "The lights were so bright that it could fill the entire ocean of color and adventure." Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteYou used a good amount if detail in your description so kudos for that. The only thing I might suggest is look for words you repeat and try to find synonyms to replace them. It sound a little silly but makes a big difference in reading. Overall I think you did a splendid job!
ReplyDeleteThis story was amazing. I loved your description of each thing you did. One thing though, there were some grammer errors but other than that fantastic job!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI can feel the excitement while reading this piece and what I enjoy most is how descriptive you were about what you did and how you used literary devices to describe the beach, which makes it totally sound relaxing, but other than that, this piece was enjoyable to read despite a few grammar errors, but nice job!
ReplyDelete- Tino
Beach trips are always ones two remember, enjoyed reading your fun experience with your family and the beach. I also liked how you compared being wiped out from the waves and how you manage to keep your head high whenever something happens in a situation. Also, use synonyms as mentioned and change your words to past tense form.
ReplyDeleteAwh, I love the beach too so I got excited to read your piece! great job on writing about every single detail your family did on your beach trip. I found a few grammatical errors, but besides that great job on your piece! (:
ReplyDeleteVery detailed piece ! Just remember to go over your work to fix any grammatical errors. But otherwise great job ! Keep up the good work ! P.S. I love Santa Monica Pier
ReplyDeleteYour story was very descriptive and great use of illustration making me wanting to go to a beech;). The only thing I didn't like about the story was how you explained the theme make it a little bit more difficult for readers that way the create their own analysis of the story.
ReplyDeleteWhat an awesome experience, and you wrote it with good imagery and excellent description of the events. Make sure to proofread a bit more next time, however it was an overall well written piece. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteOh wow such a descriptive personal narrative! All you need to fix is any grammatical errors. But other then that was such a beautiful work! Good job. It seemed like you had such an a amazing time with your family and summer is almost over the corner, you will probably go back again!
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