Attic Man
Fifteen years! Is been fifteen years since I’ve been lock up
in this box. And today will be the last day… No, Father, I’m not gonna be a
free soul, today is the last day before my soul is shredded by darkness. Before
my soul get tour to pieces and my body degrade to dust I want to tell you a
dark secret… I did not murder those villains. I told the guards I did to
protect them and I’m planning to tell you the secret so you can protect the
other pure souls.
Fifteen years ago I was in my twenty and unusually idle, I
spend the days praying and studying the Lord’s Book. One day at the cafe, I was
approached by a man in blue, Nox I think his name is. He too have nothing in
his hands so he began to tell me stories. O the evils come out of his mouth, he
told me about a murderer who stalk the night collecting livers, a psychopath
dress up as a clown who wipe out a village of people through tricks, and a
child born with the mark of evil who killed his entire family at age seven! I
politely listen to the stories but in reality they are my bane.
I am a man of Christ and I live in a friendly apartment with
fellow brothers and sisters of Christ. I was happy to live these benevolent
beings. The night after my meeting with Nox, I did not sleep, I was too deep in
a pond called evil. I noticed the ceiling in my room connect to the attic of
the apartment. I climb to the attic and began to explore it. I discovered
something, something that led to the death of those monsters but also led me
here. The attic has cracks on the bottom which allow me to spectate the others
living in my apartment.
Then I saw everything! Their sins, their crimes, and their blasphemy.
The old chemist who offer me free potion here and there is actually a sadistic
monster who experience poison on goldfish. The kind mother, she’s not kind,
she’s a real child abuser. The young woman who I grew fond of over the year use
her body to pay her rent. And when I think I saw the worst, I saw the pure
evil… The man who live next to my door who I called friend, is not my friend.
He’s the real devil in my apartment! Why? You ask, I can see you asking from
your eyes. I saw him that night, luring a woman to his apartment, then he
killed her, and o cheese, you can’t imagine what he did afterwards. But can you
imagine living with unknown sinners for all this time? I have to do something,
so when the evil chemist is not in his cave, I broke in and stole his poison.
The next night, I drop the poison through the cracks of the attic to these
villains’ food. And their hearts stopped, I baptized the sins of the unworthy.
I told the guards a different story, I did realize my motive to kill was only
to kill. I peaked at evil longer than I can resist, the whole time it peaked
back in the dark.
I feel as if this story relates to the human species as a whole, since we're all sinners. Obviously some sin more deeply than others, but its as if a mask has been ripped off. Very powerful Johnson, I'm really interested as to how you were inspired to write this.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that this piece was unique, in that I have never read anything quite like it. Your use of diction and language is beyond your years. I could not tell if I was still reading a "senior paper," or a middle-aged person's. The diction made this passage extremely sophisticated and brought about a serious tone from my perspective. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteSome grammatical errors, but overall the conflicted moral views were compelling and induced me to continue reading. Nice job, Johnson!
ReplyDeleteWow Johnson! This piece was absolutely amazing! I love the intensity that the story builds up because I can almost feel it. I like how the attic in the apartment is like an open door to every room because the speaker can see who these beings truly are and takes matters into his own hands to stop these atrocious acts that these sinners are doing. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWow I like how eye opening the ending was. That twist enlightened me about how corruption can occur subtly. It reminds me that people must be vigilant in staying moral. I honestly did not even think that the character was being corrupted and ended up feeling crept on by the darkness too.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started reading, I did not want to stop. This was an amazing story and I am very curious as to how you came up with this topic. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteWow. Johnson, I am stunned. I love this piece. The way you created and spoke through the prisoner's perspective was very compelling. Your word choice was extremely enticing and it made the storytelling so much more effective. Dima was right to say that this sounded much more advanced than a senior piece. Despite the few grammatical errors, I loved this. This could be the next Law and Order: SVU! Great job.
ReplyDeleteFrom the moment I started to read this I couldn't stop. I showed this story to my mom and she was shocked at how a great job you did. Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteVery unique piece, I liked the way how you wrote the story its intriguing
ReplyDeletegreat job! :)
Excellent use of diction and detail! Awesome read, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteIncredible. How you were able to shift our point of views to his and it was omething very differnt than my typical read.
ReplyDeleteReally interesting story and unique, great job.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! It was unique and detailed.i like the suspense and how the story builds up.
ReplyDeleteYour story was so passionate and full of detail. You showed the wrongs in the world and how as a society we are blind to what is occurring. I also loved how you related this to Christ and you spread the gospel. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteI love this story it made me feel like I was actually in it. I had two very different mindsets from the start and the end. I enjoyed this a lot. great story -Lauren Weimer
ReplyDeletein 20 years i'll look back on my years in high school and remember only a few things, this will be one of them. great story!
ReplyDeleteWOW. Honestly, a story with an eye opener because we sort of live in that world you describe with the villains. We don't know how a person truly is until we have done some researching of our own on that person.
ReplyDeleteThis piece is wow. The story line pulls you in during the first few sentences. I've never read anything like this and it's so interesting yet frightening. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOh wow. This… this isn't something you see everybody. The beginning struck me hard; I wanted to know more. That, my friend, is essential in a piece of literature. I really like this, especially your choice of words.
ReplyDeleteBut maybe check on your sentences? I see a few run-in sentences, but darn was that good.
Incredible piece, your use of descriptive, unique language was very enjoyable. Great job on this! :)
ReplyDeleteThis was an awesome and kind of disturbing piece! Disturbing in a good way..haha. I really enjoyed that you wrote about the sins of people because I feel that it relates to life. I enjoyed the imagery and the sins of these terrible monsters! Great job!
ReplyDelete-Lauren Waitman
Wow, this is intriguing. You were able to create moral conflict in a really interesting way, by using lots of examples of immoral acts to contrast each other. I'm still unsure if the speaker's reasoning is justified! Great job!
ReplyDelete