On Halloween a group of boys
wanted to go to the house at the corner. It was an old brown house that no one
has been in since 1913. No one has ever
seen any body go in or come out. The people on the street never knew if anybody
lived in the house. The last person who lived there moved because they thought
there were ghosts.
That night on October 31, at 12 am
they went to the house and ran inside. Once they got inside. The door slammed
behind them. There was spider webs and dirt all over the place. There was
scratch marks all over the floors. They checked out the place as If it was a
robbery.
Once the got up stairs, they found
a skeleton sitting in a chair. After that they got scared and ran down stairs
and went for the door. The only thing... The door wouldn't open. So they ran in
the room closest to them. While they were in there they tried calling their
parents and the police. The lines for the phone wouldn't go through. They
couldn't make a call.
After about a half hour searching
for a way out, they went into the basement where they found an axe with blood
stains tucked in a corner. They grabbed that and ran for the door. As the got
to the door force on the axe that made it fly back to the wall. It was a ghost
of the skeleton up stairs that was killed with the axe in the basement.
Reminds me a lot of American Horror Story: Murder House, so I automatically would enjoy to hear more about this, and how it would be similar/differentiated from it :) Good job!
ReplyDeleteInteresting story! I like the twist at the end where the ax flies back. It would've been even better with more gory detail. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece reminded me of that one Disney movie, "Under-wraps," I was waiting for the characters to encounter something similar, like a mummy popping out of nowhere. I think that this is a good idea, however it could be expanded a little more. I wanted more story and cause and effect. I loved the whole isolated vibe of no one being in the house since 1913. It was creepy, but needs more development. Good job though! :D
ReplyDeleteDang! lol I thought they were gunna get out and use the axe to open the door; that was a great twist though! The entire time I felt like I was there with them. Your imagery was great.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank you for sharing your work. Second, you should proof read your work to eliminate the grammar errors. Lastly, go all out on the imagery. It'll elevate your work. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked the detail in the beginning i would just say keep that going all the way through. I loved that your taking a traditional story but making the details come together more. i would say just switch it up a tiny bit. other than that this was wonderful keep working diligently.
ReplyDeleteI sounds like a horror story and i like the twist at the end great job.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing story! The use of descriptive words to make everything sound more detailed was great. Nice job!
ReplyDeletegreat story i loved it but it could have used more deatails
ReplyDelete-Diamend De Silva
I enjoyed this story! If you expand on the story line just a little bit more it would be perfect.
ReplyDeletevery intense and creepy story i like the way this was done it had me very interseted!
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing your work it was great the twist at the end had me amazed it was a good paper over all
ReplyDeleteA cool creepy story, your use of imagery was great but you should have more.
ReplyDeleteWhat happens next?! Great job on this! It left me wanting more. You could expand a little more on your detail and maybe add a little more variety in your vocabulary, but overall, well done!
ReplyDeleteYour story really reminds me of American Horror Story, which grabs my attention. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI liked the suspense and the details of the story. I think that if you improved on the grammar aspects then the piece would be a lot better. Sometimes I got confused because you used the word 'the' instead of 'they', but good job! Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteI like how you use very descriptive words. While I was reading I notice that I was picturing the scenes with those very descriptive words. Overall this is an adventurous story.
ReplyDelete-Jerico M. G. Franco
To me, I think it was cool how you kept the suspense growing throughout the story, especially on Halloween. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteI liked the story, but i feel as though it lacked detail. I feel like you kind of rushed the story a little, and didnt really emphasize the whole idea. But overall, it was a good story.
ReplyDeleteI liked this piece very much because it reminded me of how much I truly enjoy reading creepy, scary stories. It was suspenseful and it pulled me in very easily. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI love how you chose to do something out of the ordinary. Just wish that it had more detail, but overall great job.
ReplyDeleteVery good story! You used lots of good details to describe your scary night.
ReplyDeleteThe story had a good conceptual idea and was very cool, but next time you should go in detail nore to really get that horror and thriller feel!
ReplyDeleteThis is nice try on horror story guy, if you keep up writing little stories like this, one day you will have yourself a little collection.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this!! To be honest I was a little disappointed that they didn't get out, but I guess not all stories have happy endings. Your writing is great, but don't be afraid to add more details. Also make sure to proof read to catch tiny errors.
ReplyDeleteThis story was really interesting but i did`nt really understand the end of it but other than that you did a great job.:)
ReplyDeleteIt was interesting. I enjoyed it. The only thing I would suggest is to add a little more detail to give the story a creepier feeling to it. Overall, good job.
ReplyDeleteInteresting story! I liked the way how its worded and its simple
ReplyDeleteGreat job!!! :)
You need more details and adjectives to make the story more interesting and spine chilling. If imagery was added to this piece you could get more out of the story. I like how the story ended kind of midterm where you didn't say what was going to happen next.
ReplyDeleteDespite slight grammar errors, the story kept me interested due to the suspense. However, just a little more imagery would've made it really nice. Overall good read, nice job!
ReplyDeleteMan this story was 2spooky4me, almost 3spooky5me. It reminded me of the ending to The Blair Wtich Project, well done.
ReplyDeleteI can see someone is a horror movie buff! A little more detail and playing out of the action would be beneficial so the reader can be left in suspense. Fun concept!
ReplyDeleteThis was a very suspenseful short story, and I personally really enjoy these. I like how you made it so different by not telling what was happening next. Good job :)
ReplyDeleteDang. That was pretty creepy especially reading this in January at night. Good job on spooking me! I enjoy things like this. The suspense gets me everytime but I love it:
ReplyDeleteThere are a few grammar errors in the story, lack of detail, and it could have been a little longer to make it more interesting. It was still unique and interesting, great job.
ReplyDeleteFreaked me out a little but overall I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteNice horror story. Your language really gave it a spooky element.
ReplyDeleteI love scary stories! Nice job in giving the audience a spooky feeling.
ReplyDeleteThis story was suspenseful and unique. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was a really good horror story. It was good that it was't that long because you wouldn't want to drag it on. You also used very good imagery.
ReplyDeletePretty scary horror story, nice job. It was a little slow for me in the beginning but as I kept reading the suspense was growing more. I liked how you didn't give hints on what would happen next.
ReplyDeleteSo what happens now to the kids?
little short garret........ it was ok not a really good story attention grabber but still good
ReplyDeletei love the details you put. i had images in my head that were popping up and made me a little scared. it was a really nice story good job (:
ReplyDeleteThis story was very suspenseful and scary. Good job
ReplyDeleteThis story was written very nicely and it kept me interested. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like the unhappy ending. Although I don't enjoy discomfort, the change of direction makes me feel a bit pleased. Many Asian movies, cartoons, game stories have unhappy bitter endings. I guess i'ts just a personal preference. Sweet work though.
ReplyDeleteYou have a great story here! It has an amazing pot line and a really cool twist at the end. I think you should develop it even more and your story will be perfect! Great work!
ReplyDeletewow that was great, your description of the house was amazing i love halloween and love this story!
ReplyDeleteooh nice. Very creepy story and i like what words you used to make it more creepier aha good job
ReplyDeletei really like this story. reminds me of a horror movie which are my favorite. I got the chills yet I enjoyed it. -Lauren Weimer
ReplyDeleteGreat job! you really know how to tell a scary story
ReplyDeleteGreat Job you really know how to scare someone!
ReplyDeleteI like how your story is very spooky and mysterious. Loved it
ReplyDeletethis was a good story! it was very interesting and it definitely kept my interested until the end! good job:) i'd be excited to read about what happens next.
ReplyDeletethis is a nice short horror story, I liked the imagery, good job :)
ReplyDeletei like the suspense in this story and the plot
ReplyDeleteI loved it especially the imagery and comparison to American Horror Story. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteReading this made me feel as if I was in a movie. Great job, but be sure to proofread your work to make sure you don't have any spelling or grammar errors. :)
ReplyDeleteWoah, that's a great horror story even though there were grammar errors and it was a good that you used to the five senses to create vivid images in our minds. Love the suspense of this story
ReplyDeleteThat was good! I loved how you captured the essence of a horror story. You might want to consider combining sentences to create a flow of words (if that makes any sense), and maybe double-check on your punctuations to avoid fragments. Good read!
ReplyDeleteDespite minor spelling errors, the story was overall frightening and had alot of twists to it. It was enjoyable
ReplyDelete-Bernadine Uzeta
Really interesting and scary story! I really enjoyed the imagery you used but I would suggest using more descriptive words. Nice job!
ReplyDelete-Lauren Waitman
Very spooky story, definitely enjoyed it. Although you could have used more descriptive words to really give us a feel as if we were there with the characters, it was a great story anyway. Great job.
ReplyDeleteCreepy but i liked that aspect:)
ReplyDeleteI love the feel of suspense I was able to feel in the story
ReplyDelete-Corbin Cagle
It really short and to the point but its still scary and good. great job :)
ReplyDelete- Bryan Sung
I enjoyed this piece because I love horror movies/games and I thought you did a great job, I haven't seen anyone do something like this.
ReplyDeletePlot Twist: No breaking the door down today..
ReplyDeleteGreat Use of Dialect, from the first two paragraphs I was already hooked and intrigued to see what will happen, and then you juked the prediction that they would get out the house.
I like this story definitely spooky. The imagery is great! Only thing I would work on diction. If you got some good descriptive words in there it would be ready for publishing ;). Good job and keep up the work!
ReplyDeleteAdd more detail but still a good story, i also like that twist in the end (:
ReplyDelete- Ian Mendoza
Your piece somewhat reminded me of the animation film, Monster House when a group of boys also decided to explore into an abandoned house. The plot was interesting, but maybe adding more details to make your piece appeal to the reader's senses will make it even more interesting. Other than that, I enjoyed your horror story. (:
ReplyDeleteI wish this story continued. Great by the way I enjoyed the spookiness.
ReplyDeleteScary stories are awesome and I really enjoyed yours and how you were able to tell such a complete story in a small piece. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting topic but it could have been improved with some detail, maybe explaining what makes it creepy and taking your time to explain the characters transition to different spots in the house. I also felt that you could have elaborated on the characters and there motive for entering. overall it needs some improvement but great start.
ReplyDeleteThe horror really kept me interested throughout the story. i must admit that i may have defecated myself at the part where the door wouldn't open.
ReplyDeleteIt was a great horror story and your words were very descriptive and made the imagery pop
ReplyDeleteWOAH this was a little creepy.. Very interesting
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story! I wish it was a little longer because I would've loved to read more! This piece was very creative and I think you did an amazing job!
ReplyDelete-Lauren Waitman