Silence--Sydney

I have cried more in the past two weeks than ever before, and I am happy about that. The first time it happened the sensation was so foreign to me, it felt like a storm brewing, throughout the day. I couldn’t do anything about the feeling of just needing to cry, not that I didn’t want to, but because I don’t know how. When the tears finally fell they came streaming down my face; I had no idea how to handle the response of crying for myself, from pure sadness. The most recent incident happened when I realized that water had spilled on almost all of my papers I was so angry, and I didn’t know why.  I had no idea how to express my anger. The tears were different; they streamed down my face burning and bitter and unbridled. I was lashing out, and I was afraid, again, not being in control my emotions. After, my throat was raw from yelling, and my hands ached, and all I could remember was enraged screaming. After both of those moments, each so distinct in nature, I realized that moments of silence followed. There were no more tears; there was nothing left for me to do. So I just sat there, waiting for myself to move on, but I didn’t, I couldn’t.

Do you know what a moment of silence is?  Not the one where you pause to mourn those who have passed. But when you're mom stops yelling at you for five minutes or you're younger sibling finally leaves you alone. They come without warning, but they are eagerly accepted. You can't plan a moment of silence, most of the time. They come on their own, and they can be a bit disquieting if you've never actually realized they happen. At this moment they are much needed with the stress of trying to keep our grades up in this last year, while trying to force colleges to see your best qualities and simultaneously convincing them we're a selfless humble people, moments of silence are much needed.  And no, a moment of silence is not a break because you are not consciously making the decision to pause. Whether it comes with the first bite of your favorite food, the second your favorite song ends and you make the split second decision to replay it, or after a really good cry.  Some are brusque in nature while others are abiding. Once I experienced one, consciously, I became insatiable with the thought of more.

When it comes, the experience is unequivocal and so distinct. They have become a standard part of my daily routine, and I am grateful for them. I can sometimes plan them out; if I stare at a wall for a fair amount of time, it comes eventually. The ones I love the most are those that come when my house is full, and I am so used to the noise produced; these are brief and fleeting. I just sit or stand in awe of how quiet it can be, that it was even possible for the world to stop for this abrupt moment. And I think everyone needs to experience that, at least once, consciously, but if it doesn't, don't worry about it. They will come and go and however long it may take; your moment of silence will come. Even if you have to force it. Trust me. It'll come.