Pages


Thursday, October 20, 2016

Creature--Vanessa


All she could remember was, You’ll sense him...it. You’ll know it’s coming and all you can do at that point is run.
But what else had he told her? What was its weakness?
As she reached a clearing, she stopped, rapping her bloodied knuckles against her forehead and trying her hardest to remember.
Not everyone escapes, he had said. In fact, only four ever have.
Her thoughts were interrupted by that feeling again. That icy chill that’s become so familiar, the one that makes her breaths turn to clouds right in front of her. It was catching up.
She looked up and saw that there were three paths in front of her. She slumped her shoulders and let out a groan.  
How Frost-esque, she thought.
She chose the one farthest to the right and took off. Her lungs burned from the hours of running and with none of the hatches she was told held shelter in sight, she was losing her strength. And her will to keep going.
She ran and ran, her heavy breaths the only sounds in her ears. Until she felt it once again.
Just keep going.
But this time, the feeling grew stronger with each step she took.
It’s all in my head, she thought. Eventually, it’ll go away again.
But it didn’t, and each step drained her more and more.
Not now. Not after all this time and pointless running, it couldn’t take her now.
Her thoughts were interrupted once more as she stumbled on a tree root, her ankle twisting as she failed miserably trying to catch herself with the trunk. A yelp of pain escaped her mouth at the same time she looked down to see the bone sticking out of her foot, and at once she saw why, after all this time, she had suddenly been so stupid as to stumble over a tiny root.
She was shrinking, how could she possibly be shrinking?
The world loomed over her now. She lay sprawled atop a dry, crinkled leaf, its color indistinguishable in the darkness.
Where else could she go?
There was nowhere, only endless forest and brush. She heard the snap of a twig behind her. A grunt. The snapping became faster and louder, and all she could do was lay there shaking, shivering on her small, lonely leaf. Then, slowly, something began to lift the bottom of the leaf, taking her along with it. She held her breath and shut her eyes until the wind whooshing alongside her ears came to a halt, and there was silence.  
There’s nothing more I can do, she realized. This is the end.
Suddenly, an easiness washed over her. She stopped shivering, her shallow breathing deepened, and for the first time since the eternal chase started, her muscles relaxed.
She rolled her shoulders back, raised her head, and looked straight into the lifeless pits of the creature’s eyes, something he told her never to do; a last act of defiance.


44 comments:

  1. Amazing, I got chills reading this myself! Very descriptive and the story is very effective in keeping suspense. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awesome story! I loved the suspense. I just want to make sure: the creature represents death, doesn't it? Wait, nevermind only 4 have escaped. Does it represent something? I loved the story and am just curious. -Keala

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! For me, the creature represents our biggest fear. It's always there, nagging at us, and sometimes we can't conquer it. We're only human. The only thing that matters in the end is how we cope with it.

      Delete
  4. This had me on my toes in the beginning! I loved it all the way through.. This rocks!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This poem is very detailed. I like the way you lead the reader on with suspense it was creative. Good Job!
    -Justin Huggins P.5 Solano

    ReplyDelete
  6. Beautifully written, Vanessa! I love that last bit of defiance, and how you managed to create a strong female character in only 500 words!!! 5 stars :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Mackenzie! That's definitely something I was aiming for! I wanted the story not just to be about the plot, but to have some sort of character development as well.

      Delete
  7. This really had me thinking! I love the use of suspense and the descriptions are phenomenal. I love the thoughts you added it gave me the chills. Great job!
    -Lisa Ryu

    ReplyDelete
  8. Holy crap man i loved it. I was intrigued the whole time wondering what was going on and what the background story was and what was chasing this person and everything. 10/10 would read the book if you wrote one. -Rachel Smith

    ReplyDelete
  9. This was a well written piece, I really enjoyed how suspenseful you kept it. Well done! (:

    ReplyDelete
  10. I honestly love pieces that give you suspense! great job keep writing :)
    - Lyndsey Ortega

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great job with this piece. The suspense was really crazy, with the twist of having the girl be shrinking. Which to me was funny. Very good job.

    ReplyDelete
  12. That ending was intense! Your use of detail to create a suspenseful story was top notch.

    ReplyDelete
  13. That was intense! Your writing was very descriptive and it draws the reader into the story. You did a great job with this piece!

    ReplyDelete
  14. This story was very interesting! I was captivated throughout the entire piece with all of the suspense from the chase. Your descriptive language really made this story as amazing and captivating as it is. Great Job!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm a sucker for suspense movies and stories and your story had my eyes glued to the screen. Nice piece and Good job girl!

    ReplyDelete
  16. This piece really forced me to think about what could it have been that was the creatures weakness what did that man tell her? Why did only 4 people survive? what is this creature? so many things that i kept trying to uncover. your piece truly was suspenseful

    ReplyDelete
  17. Loved the way you set up the scene and the specificity in your descriptions. Also loved the ending, and how for that last moment of the characters life some peace and confidence flowed over her.
    -Austin Gomez

    ReplyDelete
  18. This piece made me think how much of this can be predictable. The amount of details you inputted into writing this was absolutely amazing. I think that if I was in this type of situation, I would probably be in suspensed and not know what to do.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I loved the plot of the story! great job at building and keeping the momentum of suspense! i like the bold act of defiance at the end when the entire story she was listening to what she was told! great job!

    ReplyDelete
  20. The suspense throughout this piece was amazing! Had me on my feet the whole time. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  21. This piece was crazy! In a good way! The creativity and detail in this made me get chills. You pulled off a really good and suspecful story , loved it! -Alexis Chiong

    ReplyDelete
  22. This was really great. Your use of suspense had me on edge the entire time and I was so eager to find out what was going to happen! The part where she tripped and her bone popped out freaked me out. I loved it, good job.

    ReplyDelete
  23. such a chilling and suspenseful story. Kept me wanting more. Nice job!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Great story!! I was wondering did the creature represent something? The story was full of suspense and awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Great Job Vanessa! This was really interesting and I like the fact that you never said what "it" is. Although I would've liked to know it did make the piece more interesting and suspenseful.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Suspenseful to the end, the mystery of the creature and the speaker leaves us the audience wondering about why the creature is after her. And who is the guy at the beginning and why does he know so much about the creature? So many interesting questions can be derived from this story, which adds depth to it. And wow each thought by the speaker really shows how defiant and how even in fear she can remain strong against the creature, really awesome job writing!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I love the layout of the dialogue throughout the story. Very intriguing, good job!
    -Leezeth De Los Reyes

    ReplyDelete
  28. Vanessa, this was amazing!!!! I love the fantastical world that you created with your piece; I was drawn in with every additional detail of the female character's attempt to escape. I'm curious as to why this person put themselves in this situation anyway, who talked to this character about the creature (the "he"), and what this so called "creature" actually is. You did a spooktacular job with this story! Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I really enjoyed this piece, not only because it was detailed, but the suspense really got to me. This was a very well written piece and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
    - Benjamin Chong

    ReplyDelete
  30. This was such an interesting read :) I love Halloween, and the mysteriously creepy vibe of this piece made me want to keep reading. I kept wanting to find out who "it" was and how the girl was going to get away. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I love how you created a strong and prominent figure, but at the same time showing signs of weakness. This was rather very humane, and I wonder how this story was embodied. But overall the story was magnificent, and the allusion to frost made me chuckle. At some points rather gory, but overall the story was great. But what is the creature? and did it end well for the girl? My interest has been peeked!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I really enjoyed reading your piece! :-) The suspense kept me engaged and made me want to follow through until the end :)
    -narelle stewart

    -Narelle Stewart :-)

    ReplyDelete
  33. Wow. This is piece was so amazingly suspenseful. I was hooked from the first sentence! I want more! Great job.

    ReplyDelete
  34. this piece had me thinking from the very beginning. I couldn't stop wondering whats chasing her?, and what happened to her to make her runaway.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I could feel all of the character's fear and anxiety. Every detail down to the sounds in the forest created this suspenseful atmosphere, which was perfect. I want to read the rest! This was great!
    -Jordan Lee

    ReplyDelete
  36. I was thinking about how you added the suspense into this piece. It had an amazing feel to it keep up the good Work. :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. This piece was the true essence of Halloween! Love the suspense and it drew me in to read more and more.

    ReplyDelete
  38. This piece made me continuously anxious as to what was going to happen. At first it seemed like she may be the fifth to escape or that she would overcome, but alas the creator caught her. I felt as if I was running along side her due to the descriptive detail you used

    ReplyDelete
  39. I loved the discriptive detail you used, the whole time I felt as if I knew the girl and I was watching her story and tragic ending unfold. I was continuously kept on my feet by the never ending suspense thinking the story could go one of two ways in the end.
    -emma

    ReplyDelete
  40. This piece has a spooky tone and uses visual, tactile and auditory imagery to evoke the readers' senses. I love the way the author used italics to create distance between the characters.

    ReplyDelete
  41. You did a wonderful job with continuing to build the suspense of the piece and the choices made to differentiate between thinking and the actual story
    Somijah

    ReplyDelete
  42. This sent shivers down my spine! What was your inspiration for writing this piece!?

    ReplyDelete