All
she could remember was, You’ll sense him...it. You’ll know it’s coming and
all you can do at that point is run.
But
what else had he told her? What was its weakness?
As
she reached a clearing, she stopped, rapping her bloodied knuckles against her
forehead and trying her hardest to remember.
Not
everyone escapes, he had said. In fact, only four ever have.
Her
thoughts were interrupted by that feeling again. That icy chill that’s become
so familiar, the one that makes her breaths turn to clouds right in front of
her. It was catching up.
She
looked up and saw that there were three paths in front of her. She slumped her
shoulders and let out a groan.
How
Frost-esque,
she thought.
She
chose the one farthest to the right and took off. Her lungs burned from the
hours of running and with none of the hatches she was told held shelter in
sight, she was losing her strength. And her will to keep going.
She
ran and ran, her heavy breaths the only sounds in her ears. Until she felt it
once again.
Just
keep going.
But
this time, the feeling grew stronger with each step she took.
It’s
all in my head, she thought. Eventually, it’ll go away again.
But
it didn’t, and each step drained her more and more.
Not
now. Not after all this time and pointless running, it couldn’t take her now.
Her
thoughts were interrupted once more as she stumbled on a tree root, her ankle
twisting as she failed miserably trying to catch herself with the trunk. A yelp
of pain escaped her mouth at the same time she looked down to see the bone
sticking out of her foot, and at once she saw why, after all this time, she had
suddenly been so stupid as to stumble over a tiny root.
She
was shrinking, how could she possibly be shrinking?
The
world loomed over her now. She lay sprawled atop a dry, crinkled leaf, its
color indistinguishable in the darkness.
Where
else could she go?
There
was nowhere, only endless forest and brush. She heard the snap of a twig behind
her. A grunt. The snapping became faster and louder, and all she could do was
lay there shaking, shivering on her small, lonely leaf. Then, slowly, something
began to lift the bottom of the leaf, taking her along with it. She held her
breath and shut her eyes until the wind whooshing alongside her ears came to a
halt, and there was silence.
There’s
nothing more I can do, she realized. This is the end.
Suddenly,
an easiness washed over her. She stopped shivering, her shallow breathing
deepened, and for the first time since the eternal chase started, her muscles
relaxed.
She
rolled her shoulders back, raised her head, and looked straight into the
lifeless pits of the creature’s eyes, something he told her never to do; a last
act of defiance.
Amazing, I got chills reading this myself! Very descriptive and the story is very effective in keeping suspense. Great job!
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ReplyDeleteAwesome story! I loved the suspense. I just want to make sure: the creature represents death, doesn't it? Wait, nevermind only 4 have escaped. Does it represent something? I loved the story and am just curious. -Keala
ReplyDeleteThank you! For me, the creature represents our biggest fear. It's always there, nagging at us, and sometimes we can't conquer it. We're only human. The only thing that matters in the end is how we cope with it.
DeleteThis had me on my toes in the beginning! I loved it all the way through.. This rocks!
ReplyDeleteThis poem is very detailed. I like the way you lead the reader on with suspense it was creative. Good Job!
ReplyDelete-Justin Huggins P.5 Solano
Beautifully written, Vanessa! I love that last bit of defiance, and how you managed to create a strong female character in only 500 words!!! 5 stars :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Mackenzie! That's definitely something I was aiming for! I wanted the story not just to be about the plot, but to have some sort of character development as well.
DeleteThis really had me thinking! I love the use of suspense and the descriptions are phenomenal. I love the thoughts you added it gave me the chills. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Lisa Ryu
Holy crap man i loved it. I was intrigued the whole time wondering what was going on and what the background story was and what was chasing this person and everything. 10/10 would read the book if you wrote one. -Rachel Smith
ReplyDeleteThis was a well written piece, I really enjoyed how suspenseful you kept it. Well done! (:
ReplyDeleteI honestly love pieces that give you suspense! great job keep writing :)
ReplyDelete- Lyndsey Ortega
Great job with this piece. The suspense was really crazy, with the twist of having the girl be shrinking. Which to me was funny. Very good job.
ReplyDeleteThat ending was intense! Your use of detail to create a suspenseful story was top notch.
ReplyDeleteThat was intense! Your writing was very descriptive and it draws the reader into the story. You did a great job with this piece!
ReplyDeleteThis story was very interesting! I was captivated throughout the entire piece with all of the suspense from the chase. Your descriptive language really made this story as amazing and captivating as it is. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteI'm a sucker for suspense movies and stories and your story had my eyes glued to the screen. Nice piece and Good job girl!
ReplyDeleteThis piece really forced me to think about what could it have been that was the creatures weakness what did that man tell her? Why did only 4 people survive? what is this creature? so many things that i kept trying to uncover. your piece truly was suspenseful
ReplyDeleteLoved the way you set up the scene and the specificity in your descriptions. Also loved the ending, and how for that last moment of the characters life some peace and confidence flowed over her.
ReplyDelete-Austin Gomez
This piece made me think how much of this can be predictable. The amount of details you inputted into writing this was absolutely amazing. I think that if I was in this type of situation, I would probably be in suspensed and not know what to do.
ReplyDeleteI loved the plot of the story! great job at building and keeping the momentum of suspense! i like the bold act of defiance at the end when the entire story she was listening to what she was told! great job!
ReplyDeleteThe suspense throughout this piece was amazing! Had me on my feet the whole time. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was crazy! In a good way! The creativity and detail in this made me get chills. You pulled off a really good and suspecful story , loved it! -Alexis Chiong
ReplyDeleteThis was really great. Your use of suspense had me on edge the entire time and I was so eager to find out what was going to happen! The part where she tripped and her bone popped out freaked me out. I loved it, good job.
ReplyDeletesuch a chilling and suspenseful story. Kept me wanting more. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteGreat story!! I was wondering did the creature represent something? The story was full of suspense and awesome!
ReplyDeleteGreat Job Vanessa! This was really interesting and I like the fact that you never said what "it" is. Although I would've liked to know it did make the piece more interesting and suspenseful.
ReplyDeleteSuspenseful to the end, the mystery of the creature and the speaker leaves us the audience wondering about why the creature is after her. And who is the guy at the beginning and why does he know so much about the creature? So many interesting questions can be derived from this story, which adds depth to it. And wow each thought by the speaker really shows how defiant and how even in fear she can remain strong against the creature, really awesome job writing!
ReplyDeleteI love the layout of the dialogue throughout the story. Very intriguing, good job!
ReplyDelete-Leezeth De Los Reyes
Vanessa, this was amazing!!!! I love the fantastical world that you created with your piece; I was drawn in with every additional detail of the female character's attempt to escape. I'm curious as to why this person put themselves in this situation anyway, who talked to this character about the creature (the "he"), and what this so called "creature" actually is. You did a spooktacular job with this story! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece, not only because it was detailed, but the suspense really got to me. This was a very well written piece and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
ReplyDelete- Benjamin Chong
This was such an interesting read :) I love Halloween, and the mysteriously creepy vibe of this piece made me want to keep reading. I kept wanting to find out who "it" was and how the girl was going to get away. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love how you created a strong and prominent figure, but at the same time showing signs of weakness. This was rather very humane, and I wonder how this story was embodied. But overall the story was magnificent, and the allusion to frost made me chuckle. At some points rather gory, but overall the story was great. But what is the creature? and did it end well for the girl? My interest has been peeked!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your piece! :-) The suspense kept me engaged and made me want to follow through until the end :)
ReplyDelete-narelle stewart
-Narelle Stewart :-)
Wow. This is piece was so amazingly suspenseful. I was hooked from the first sentence! I want more! Great job.
ReplyDeletethis piece had me thinking from the very beginning. I couldn't stop wondering whats chasing her?, and what happened to her to make her runaway.
ReplyDeleteI could feel all of the character's fear and anxiety. Every detail down to the sounds in the forest created this suspenseful atmosphere, which was perfect. I want to read the rest! This was great!
ReplyDelete-Jordan Lee
I was thinking about how you added the suspense into this piece. It had an amazing feel to it keep up the good Work. :)
ReplyDeleteThis piece was the true essence of Halloween! Love the suspense and it drew me in to read more and more.
ReplyDeleteThis piece made me continuously anxious as to what was going to happen. At first it seemed like she may be the fifth to escape or that she would overcome, but alas the creator caught her. I felt as if I was running along side her due to the descriptive detail you used
ReplyDeleteI loved the discriptive detail you used, the whole time I felt as if I knew the girl and I was watching her story and tragic ending unfold. I was continuously kept on my feet by the never ending suspense thinking the story could go one of two ways in the end.
ReplyDelete-emma
This piece has a spooky tone and uses visual, tactile and auditory imagery to evoke the readers' senses. I love the way the author used italics to create distance between the characters.
ReplyDeleteYou did a wonderful job with continuing to build the suspense of the piece and the choices made to differentiate between thinking and the actual story
ReplyDeleteSomijah
This sent shivers down my spine! What was your inspiration for writing this piece!?
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