Numb--Maddox

The Date is Feb 10th 2023, the time is around Midnight when I woke up to sounds of distraught and yelling between two Individuals. I think to myself it’s just another argument just another argument between the two of the house then something grabs me to go solve the altercation once again as I have done before. I bring myself upwards to the sounds, grabbing the wooden staircase slowly up the two sets of stairs hoping by the time I reach the last wooden step the sounds will stop by itself so I can retreat to the emotional safety of my bed. Unfortunately I was wrong, the sounds didn’t stop. Once I reached the staircase something out of the usual procedure occurred, I saw a ring on the floor, a marriage diamond ring so shiny in the dark the glare of itself caught my eye. I dared myself to pick it up, but I got one of those feelings of cramps in my body you get when you usually don’t stretch before a game or don’t drink enough water that knott up inside you. I got it in my hand before I could reach for it. So I left the beautiful shiny ring there, but when I bent to reach it before my body told me no I noticed it was a small size ring. A ring that’s meant for a woman. The instant drop in my body overcame me. I already knew what was gonna happen when I opened the door that led to the yelling. But before then I was yet invited with another feeling, coupled with knowing of an experience without having even seen it. I started muttering to myself “it’s different this time, it’s different this time.” Yet the door opened for me and as I saw her walk out the door and the worst of it happened, I wasn’t acknowledged by her. She swiftly passed me down the treading noise of the white wooden stairs. As I looked inside the door she came out of. Glaring dark room seeing a man standing over pictures that seemed to be thrown at him. The man looks up at me, but as the man looks up at me you hear a car start. Once I heard it start I ran swiftly following the woman’s path down the stairs, ran to the front door, slammed it open and when I thought I could make it I was too late. I saw the car drive off the driveway In her brown and black kia, I just didn’t see only a car drive off I saw 8 years of feelings tear apart between two people. All the experiences, all the struggles, all the love that was

exchanged physically and emotionally. The trust and faithfulness torn apart. The eeriness and discomfort in my body turned into rage, anger and hate. I ran upstairs expecting a fight of my own with my rage. The door that was once opened was closed. I open the door being ready to yell at the man myself but once I open the door I see something I’ve only seen one other time. I saw fear and regret, when I looked at the man’s eyes I only saw fear, but not only fear of the woman but fear of being rejected not by the woman but by me. Thousands of words were exchanged through our eyes. I understood that I needed to go. I walked out the room realizing what had happened, as before. When I saw the ring on the floor again I picked it up this time and went to my room. I sat on my bed and reflected on what happened. Only other time I’ve seen fear and regret in that man was when it was with my mother. I was mad at myself arguing with myself and almost disappointed in myself. Not because what had left wasn’t just a woman, wasn’t just another one, wasn’t just another person coming into my life and leaving again. It was my home, my emotional gateaway, my rock, she was my mom. I was mad at myself because it happened so much that I didn’t feel anything, I was numb. I went numb about it, it felt like it was just a regular occurrence. I was so mad at myself because I wanted to feel something but I couldn’t and till this day I still don’t know why I struggle. But I learned to be grateful for all the experiences that happen to you even if sometimes it’s your fault, good and bad. It taught me to be numb with a lot of behaviors and keep moving as there is always light at the end of the tunnel.