Butterflies are such interesting creatures. Small bodies, big wings, but what makes them stand out are their beautiful and vibrant colors. Such beautiful little insects that you’ll see in such beautiful areas; on a pretty flower, in a large pasture, or even just the greenest of green bushes, they add so much natural color to the world, even if they’re rare to see around. In Filipino culture, butterflies signify loved ones who have passed away and spotting one means someone's trying to say “Hello!”. It may be a myth, but personally, I don’t think so.
It’s December, 2022 in California, cold but unpredictable due to global warming and changing weather. My grandparents just got back home to the Philippines after spending a while of their time here in the states. “Ang sarap jan sa America, babalik kami kasama ang mnga titas, titos at pinsan ninyo!” Said my Lolo (grandfather). Translated, he said, “It’s so nice there in America, we’ll come back with your aunts, uncles, and cousins!”. He spent around 3 months here in the states while my Lola (grandmother) spent a couple years here working. I’m so sure he had a great time; old, bald, filipino man who got to spend 3 months in the US cooking, gardening, drinking, gambling, and spending time with his family. He got to go to Las Vegas, Los Angeles, and on so many different adventures during his stay. It was bittersweet watching them go up the escalator at LAX to their flight; watching them leave after getting used to their presence at home and the slight changes in our previous daily routines, but knowing that they’d go back home to their home country and laugh and play even more in the Philippines. Things felt a little gloomy around the house without our personal Filipino Santa there anymore but knowing that he’d try to come back the following year was comforting enough to excuse the gloomy and sad emotions.
But fast-forward to December 17th, 2022, only about 6 days since their departure. It started off normal; wake up, shower, eat, then stay on my phone until something interesting happens or until it’s time to go out since it was a saturday. After about 6-7 hours of rotting in bed – eyes glued to a screen, doomscrolling instagram reels or watching random youtube videos – I finally got out of the house just to run some nightly errands. We got to the store at around 6-7 PM and planned on just walking around and looking at whatever we may want or need so I broke off from my family to just look around; I found your usual jeans, shoes, shirts, everything was just a repetitive maze of all the retail things you could think of. After some time I finally came back to my family and that's when everything hit. “Why is my mom on the floor crying?”, “What’s going on?”, “What happened?”. All these thoughts rushing to my head just to be cleared by the incoherent words that my mother spoke between the breaths that she managed to take so quickly, “Tito Mac is gone.” I was shocked of course, what could I say? I was so confused and couldn’t figure out what to say, what to feel, what to do. “Is this real?”, “Is this a joke?”. I found the source of all the distress to be an international phone call from neighbors in the Philippines. “Nasusunog na ang bahay ninyo!” (“Your house is on fire!”) said the person on call. Time stood still as I tried to process this joke of a sentence; while trying to figure out the words to say it finally resumed and I was somehow outside with my aunt, uncle, and cousin who came to pick us up. It was as if life just glitched like when a TV “hangs” or pauses then resumes at a whole different part of a show, as if I blanked out and just woke back up. With tears still soaking t-shirts and hands shaking in disbelief, we headed over to my aunt’s house in which the Filipino newscaster started counting, “1, 2, 3... 10.” Ten people. Ten living people. Ten living humans. Ten family members. I couldn’t do anything that night but sit and cry. Same with the next night, and the next night, and the next after that. Over and over and over until the strongest of emotions finally passed inorder to let us breathe and figure out the situation, to finally be a little more in control and reasonable.
It’s been about a year now and I was able to go to the Philippines in December, 2023. I think only then, only recently, I was finally able to accept or realize the truth. After seeing 5 flat stones in the grass, each of which for a pair of 2 butterflies. After dropping tears on each of the 5 stones. After visiting day, after day, after day. I was finally able to say goodbye. “Why?” you might ask? Because I saw 10 beautiful butterflies, playing through the leaves of the great tree that stood and gave the stones shade and peace. They visited, said hi and even left with goodbyes. But I hope that I’ll see those butterflies again, whether it’s a pair of 2 older butterflies, or the pair of a mother and father butterfly, or a pair of a mother and a son butterfly, or a group of 4 younger butterflies playing in the trees. I’m glad I saw them all together, just one last time, fly peacefully and gleefully. I miss you Lola, Lolo, Tita Cherry, Tito Mac, Tita Anna, Matty, Kuya Andrei, Kuya Jero, Manny, and Pipay. I hope you guys fly safe and peacefully in whatever garden you guys have found. We’ve planted flowers for you in the front yard. Don’t take things for granted, cherish all the moments you have, even the little things, like seeing butterflies.
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