Indecisiveness--Kimberly

 

At the age of six I wanted to be a singer.

At the age of ten I wanted to become a doctor.

At the age of thirteen I was convinced I would be a lawyer.

Now, at the age of seventeen when it really matters most, I have absolutely no idea what it is I

want to do.

Growing up, I have always envied people who had a strong passion towards a specific subject,

career path, or goal for their future. I envied the fact that they knew what classes they needed to

take in high school, or what volunteer programs they needed to join in order to work towards

their desires. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough, or like I was not taking my life seriously. While

everyone was already advancing, it felt like I was falling behind.

When entering high school, they tell you that you don’t need to worry about careers because

“you still have time.” Of course, this is true. Many people don’t even figure out what career path

they want to take until they are in college. However, a part of me still always wished I had a

passion for one specific thing. I wanted to excel in one specific area just as all of my friends and

classmates did. I wanted to find the one thing that would help me stand out from the rest.

The medical field had always fascinated me, but never enough to where I wanted to pursue a

career in it. Criminal law piqued my interests, but I didn’t feel like it was the right path for me.

Every subject had captured my attention, but never to the point where I had an intense yearning

to chase after it. I wanted to do everything and nothing all at once. I wanted to be a doctor but I

also wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to become an engineer but I wanted to join international

business as well. I wanted to become a therapist, a teacher, a nurse, and an interior designer. It

felt unfair that I had to be tied down to just one specific career.

A huge part of this feeling had to do with my environment. As a person who grew up in a family

full of high expectations, I've lived my life being an observer of my siblings' experiences. I’ve

watched my oldest sister be ridiculed for not having good enough grades, and have been a

witness to the lectures my brother received for being “lazy”. I’ve seen how my family has

brushed over all their achievements and success, and have instead nitpicked at the tiniest of flaws

to bring them down. The only thing I had to offer was to become successful at a certain subject

so that I could set a path for my future.

Though I knew this mindset was toxic, I continued to live by it. I chose the subject I was best at,

and decided it would be the one I would pursue. I would spend hours on homework or projects

just for the one class, and though I ended up keeping a 98% for the entire year, I still did not feel

happy in it. Deep down I knew it was not something I could see myself doing for the rest of my

life.

Going into senior year, I decided I needed to break from the toxic mindset that was invading my

life. I took it easier on my classes, and I stressed way less about my future. I accepted the fact

that It’s okay to not know what I want to do yet, and focused more on the present. I realized that

I still had a whole life ahead of me filled with new experiences that would expose me to new

passions and desires. I started living a more “go with the flow” type of life and it has honestly

made life so much more enjoyable. I began to not let others influence what I felt I needed to do,

and instead just worried about myself.

To this day I am still not quite sure what I want my future to look like. All I know is that I want

to cherish every moment because I know if I don’t, I’d have many regrets when I look back on

my youth. I know that everything will play out the ways it’s supposed to, and so for now I just

simply take in everything as it comes.

Yes, it’s important to have a plan, but it’s also important that you enjoy the present and live in the

moment (cliche I know).