Untitled--Naomi

At the end of sophomore year, I allowed myself to be convinced to join drama. I had been dreaming of making the choice since I’d found out the program existed, but as a very shy person, I’d never been able to summon up the necessary courage to do so. I finally decided to make the leap in one spontaneous instant.

            The black-walled room presented such a contrast with the bright sunlight outside that it made the transition into the room hard on the eyes. However, this transition paled in comparison with that of growing to love the stage.

            On the first day of school, the entire class sat anxiously, not moving a muscle as our bodies were pressed back into our chairs by the fear of being called to step up onto the stage. As our teacher wasn’t there for a period after school began, the class started off with an activity that the substitute could manage, which happened to be improvisation. This was especially hard for me. At this point in my life, I found it nerve-wrecking to even just stand in front of an audience of people I knew and read something that had already been scripted. I put my full effort into remaining small and inconspicuous these first few weeks, so as to not get called to go into isolation on stage.

            Soon enough, Mr. Kiley arrived back at school. The energy of the class immediately switched as we were called to reflect on what we’d been doing while he wasn’t there. Previously, the thought of having to do this did not cross my mind, so I was immediately immersed in feelings of shame from not participating. I didn’t want to look like I didn’t care to put effort into the class. The appearance I believed myself to give off couldn’t be any further from the truth. However, I wrote down on the worksheet that I hadn’t participated, but that I had learned much from watching others complete the exercises which was all in complete honesty.

            Our next assignment, we were all required to complete for a grade. With exaggerated nervousness, I perused over the choices we had been given for the mini monologue assignment. I immediately spotted one that I thought would help me grow the most. Determined to do my best on the assignment, and prove the false negative  image I had created for myself untrue, I practiced the monologue arduously. I have a very vivid and painful memory of sitting in my friend’s car, attempting to rehearse in front of him, but being unable to get a single word to escape the confines of my throat. I could easily picture myself acting, but I found it nearly impossible to transfer that image from my brain into the real world.

            Rehearsing obviously didn’t get me very far, but I continued to go on and complete the actual performance, in front of a much larger audience than I was accustomed to. I felt exposed on stage, like  a dead frog on a lab table, waiting to be cut up so that everyone could view my insides. My performance didn’t go too well, although others including myself tried to convince me otherwise.

            We had several more assignments after the mini ,monologue. Although I didn’t consider my acting as good as I wanted it to be at this point, it was brought to my attention that with every time I got up on stage, it became easier to do so.

            I kept receiving the same notes on my performances – everyone t=wanted to see me come out of my shell. I heard the same points in the speeches made by Mr. Kiley continuously, that if you were confident enough in what you were doing, no one would think twice about it, let alone doubt its legitimacy. I wrote down everything he said and meditated on the words, hoping that I’d magically be affe3cted in the way that I needed to be.

            Really, what it took was a lot of introspective thinking and close scrutiny of myself.  Although I believed the advice everyone gave me on “getting out of my shell,” I couldn’t bring my mind to actually trust myself. I resolved to do what I had done to join the class in the first place and force myself out of my comfort zone. I tricked myself into trusting the advice, and told myself that I felt comfortable and confident, even though I knew I didn’t.

            Things became significantly easier from the point at which I’d made that resolution. I realized that part of acting is pretending you’re comfortable in what you’re doing, until that transforms into the truth. I grew to love acting in front of an audience and having everyone transfixed on the art I was creating right before their eyes.

            I grew so much only last year, learning to respect theater, whereas before I had no knowledge of it. Now, I think it is amazing that you can create art in the present, and that using the same words, the final product can never turn out exactly the same. The experience of participating in drama was a very liberating one for me – it’s made life easier, whether it’s  simply communicating or presenting for other subjects. I consider the decision I made at the end of sophomore year to be the most important I’ve ever made and probably will ever make.