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Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Perplexing Pegasus--Jawaad


It was time. Pegasus was finally fueled and ready for its majestic launch. Its sleek white exterior was dotted with small glass windows all around the front and sides. Its grandiose wings gleamed in the early sunlight as three brave men and a fearless woman appeared from the bay doors of a building located to the right of Pegasus. 

A large crowd had gathered overnight to witness this unbelievable event and as the large black bay doors of the building shut, the crowd cheered and rejoiced. Their eyes full of awe looked upon the four individuals dressed in egg-white suits with small contraptions jumping out from the arms and neck. They carried their pitch black helmets under their left and held their countries’ flags in their right. 

The woman walked in front of the three other men. She had fair skin with sleek, shiny, straight hair that reached past her shoulders. She had a very serious face on and didn’t look at the crowd once. She looked ahead at Pegasus and proudly held the white, blue, and red stripes of her country as she made way to the ramp. The man that walked behind her was a tall, broadly built, dark skinned man who walked with a smirk on his face. The more he waved around his flag containing a small leaf in the center, the more the crowd raged with cheers. He enjoyed the spotlight and kept leading the crowd on. The last 2 tan-colored men both held the same flag and also cheered the crowd on much like the tall, dark skinned man. Their flag consisted of a yellow sun-like image located on a white triangle. The triangle itself was on the leftmost side of the flag with its peak pointing towards the inside where it met with a red and blue stripe. 

The sound coming from the congregation of people grew louder as the 4 individuals walked up a glistening silver ramp that led to an opening a few feet under the tip of Pegasus.
The woman, Captain Kavaloski, walked inside and didn’t turn back to the crowd while the the tall dark skinned man, Major Felix, and the two tan-colored men, Private Tolabam and Dr. Elleinad cheered and swung their flags one last time. With the final swoosh of their flags, the three men walked into Pegasus. A small red beacon began to siren and a large white door slowly hissed down covering the small opening the 4 individuals walked through. With a loud thud and a final hiss, the white doors sealed the Astronauts inside. 
 
The insides of Pegasus were extraordinary. After the white door was sealed shut, Major Felix led the Dr. Elleinad and Private Tolabam through a wide hallway lit up bright source of light the was located at the horizon of the floor and the side of hallway. The hallway led to 4 foot circular hatch to the left of the men. Captain Kavaloski had already entered so the hatch lay open. The three males Astronauts entered the hatch and began to climb upwards and found themselves in the main control room. On the ceiling read in large red letters, T he Heart . The windows to look outside were located on the ceiling along with the pilot seat and the pilot controls where Captain Kavaloski had already positioned herself. All the seats faced ceiling but could move up and down allowing the three remaining Astronauts to take a seat with ease. They positioned themselves correctly with Major Felix sitting a few feet directly to the right of Captain Kavaloski. Dr. Elleinad sat a few feet from Captain Kavaloski and Private Tolabam sat a few feet from Major Felix. After they had all strapped in, Captain Kavaloski pressed a small blue button in front of her and said in a slow, yet confident voice, “We are all situated” 

Authorities came and began to herd the crowd further away from Pegasus and towards the building. After a few minutes the lot of people had translocated themselves behind a large protective viewing window. With the large viewing window being approximately half a mile away from Pegasus, it now sat all alone upon a quiet platform in the desolate quietness of the morning. 

A large intercom from the building the Astronauts came out from sounded. P egasus Launch in T minus ... There was short pause. 10...9...8...7... As the monotone godly voice of the intercom continued, the thrusters at the base of Pegasus fired and omitted a perfect blue flame. 6...5...4... The supported rockets kicked in omitting a perfect yellow flame. 3 ...2...1... With a large boom, the thrusters exploded with rage and Pegasus began to gain ground. The viewer's gazed with stretched eyes as Pegasus climbed higher and higher in the air.
Captain Kavaloski began pushing buttons and increased the throttle. To her surprise, a morbid robotic voice sounded. She knew this voice all too well and she experienced an overwhelming feeling of fear. System Failure System Failure... It repeated those words, over and over again. She fell unconscious because of her fear and lay slumped on her commanding seat. 

Back on the ground, a large siren abruptly sounded splitting the crowds cheers. As it wailed emergency vehicles arrived and rested next to the spectators. The viewers were confused as to what was happening but only for a moment. There was bright shining light in the sky followed by the sound of a thunder. Pegasus exploded. 

Captain Kavaloski woke up suddenly, sweating. She was still seated in her seat in the Pegasus. She checked the watch on the underside of her left wrist. Nine hours had passed since she boarded Pegasus. She looked to her right and screamed. In the Major Felix’s seat was a skeleton. Scorched with its jaw open it was looking directly at the Captain. She looked behind her to find the same thing. Burned skeletons sitting in the Dr. Elleinad’s and Private Tolabam’s seats. Captain Kavaloski screamed.

27 comments:

  1. I really like how when you talked about the countries flag, you gave us descriptions of the flag instead of telling us the name straight away. I thought it was structured really well and the details were excellent. -Caleb Leyva

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  2. I like the description of the Pegasus and how detailed you are and also how the story kept me on edge.
    -Andrew Rodriguez

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  3. Reading every line made me more anxious to read the next! The ending was pretty interesting, honestly wasn't expecting that.

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  4. I liked the imagery a lot. Your story was very descriptive to the point where I could really imagine what was going on. I also liked how you made the ending darker instead of a happy one. Good job, your story was good! - Jonathan Castillo

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  5. I really like the way you changed the tone from light and happy to dark and suspenseful. This made the story have a different effect than a story with a happy beginning and a happy ending. Your descriptive syntax also helped portray the emotion of the story. - Jacob Griffith

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  6. I enjoyed how you waited until you finished describing the characters to give the names and titles. It kept me from making assumptions because of their titles. Very creative.

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  7. I enjoyed how much detail you used. I got a clear picture of Pegasus, Captian Kavaloski, the men, and their countries flags. You did an amazing job in your description and it was an overall interesting and exciting piece. I enjoyed how you ended it cause you leave the reader questioning and wanting more. -Charis webber

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  8. This story gave me chills. Until the 6th paragraph i was still trying to figure out what the setting was. Aliens? Technological Advancement? When I heard Astronauts, it covered all that i hoped and was thinking it would be. The descriptive detail was of a level i would think a professional author and not someone in High School. I gripped to the edge of my seat as you put into words the level of confusion and fear when the message "System Failure" is introduced. The heart wrenching motion was felt as i realized the fate for the 4 brave people that has entered the craft to explore the new horizon. Then confusion settled back in. Was it all a dream? Then the last passage was the one that truly made me develop goosebumps. " In the Major Felix’s seat was a skeleton. Scorched with its jaw open it was looking directly at the Captain [...] Captain Kavaloski screamed." Such a great piece of fiction. I hope you continue developing your talent later down the road of your chosen career.

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  9. You used great description when describing the characters allowing your readers to envision the scenery as well as get a better understanding of whats going on. I also enjoyed your transition from a lighter tone to a more mysterious tone. Great job! -Miranda Alcala

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  10. Very captivated imagery used which really helped me understand what's exactly went on in the story, as well as the ending making the reader want more. Great job

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  11. Jawaad,
    I LOVED this piece of flash fiction! You created phenomenal visual imagery and conveyed the crowd's excitement and the astronauts' pride. When reading this, I couldn't help but feel as though you were alluding to the launch of NASA's Shuttle Challenger. I adore how you ended this piece, leaving Captain Kavaloski as the lone survivor. It left me wanting to read more!
    -Lauren Whightsil

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  12. I like the diction throughout the text, mainly "egg-white suits." I am not too sure, maybe because it rolls off the tongue pleasantly. I don't truly think I understand everything about the story, for I feel as if I am missing something. However, the fact that you go into much detail to describe the environment, for instance the flags, while never explicitly saying the countries upfront makes me believe there is more to your roundabout writing. If there is, or isn't maybe that doesn't matter, it being obvious from what I wrote your piece of fiction has made my gears move, so kudos to you!

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  13. The single most important aspect of this piece is the incredible use of details. From beginning to end, I am provided a clear image of the scene; from the descriptions of the suits that the astronauts wore to the burnt skeletons in the places of the former cabin members. An absolutely captivating piece of fiction. Excellent work. - Gianni Castro

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  14. The imagery portrayed in this piece was amazing. I liked that you gave such clear and vivid details to really help the reader imagine the story as they are reading it. The sudden twist at the end of the story was very interesting as well. What happened to the men in Pegasus?! Overall, i believe this was a well written piece. --Kayla Leonard

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  15. I really appreciated how u pieced together the image of the Pegasus, after every line i was able to get a better vision, it gave it a sense of mystery and suspense that I enjoyed. - Omar Abuelhassan

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  16. The story's visual and auditory imagery and sensual details creates a real ear drummer. This literary creation makes you want to jump in the Pegasus and experience all kinds of reckless. The descriptive imagery detail the Pegasus as something sleek and foreign like a Lexus, but based on the tone and the diction, it is actually more of a caterpillar whip.
    - Kenny Abraham

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  17. The imagery in this story really made it feel like it was a movie in my head. I was intrigued the whole way through and I really admire how you were able to tell the story in such a way that made me sit on the edge of my seat, especially when it got to the end of the story. - Morgan Carrington

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  18. I really enjoyed the vivid imagery that you used to depict the story, it really added to the complexity and interest of the story. The end of the story was also a huge plot twist and caught me off guard, great job. - Morgan Carrington

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  19. Wow! Truly amazing. The amount of imagery and detail is captivating, from the description of the woman to the system failure and explosion of the Pegasus. The cliffhanger makes me want more from the story, in a good way. It was the perfect way to end it. It also reminded me of the challenger disaster in 1986.
    -Unity Montalvo

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  20. Wow! There is a great deal of adjectives being put to use here! I enjoyed this a lot. Really keeps the reader on edge. Great job Jawaad!
    -Luke Jaramillo

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  21. This piece is excellent, my favorite of this month's flash fiction. I love how you used a sort of abstract detail and descriptive imagery to portray important pieces in the story without blatant statement.- Taren Thomas

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  22. I genuinely loved the use of imagery in this piece because as the reader i was able to see, hear, and feel the characters, settings and actions. I really liked how the tone went from light to dark. The overall structure of the piece was exceptional, it had me on the edge of my seat. Then to top it off i liked how the ending was something different than what i expected, it was very creative that the ending was sad and not happy unlike most stories.

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  23. You have a very eloquent writing style! Your word choice is so vivid and precise. It's obvious you took time to choose your words wisely. The story as a whole was very well-written. The fact that you made the "good gone bad" situation still very suspenseful and foreboding really drew me in. - Shane Njoloma

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  24. I found this story to be very intriguing. The beginning had a nice hook that really drew me in. I personally am extremely fascinated by stories of the Challenger exploding in the 80's, and this reminded me a lot of that. Especially because of this optimistic look we have on space exploration. Society focuses more on the things we haven't yet discovered when it comes to outterspace, rather then acknowledging the things we done to get where we are today. Since this story began with the cheering crowds, the sudden switch comes as a complete shock. I think good stories should leave you guessing, and yours did just that! Great job!
    -Breann Lee

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  25. The use of imagery in your piece really felt like I was there experiencing this great event and horrific tragedy. I loved the description of the launch and the aftermath of the crash. You really did a great job! - Altierre Paris

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  26. As your close friend I was already well aware of your fascination with space and your desire to one day become an astronaut, so it absolutely shocks me that you wrote about such a tragic and terrible event that is entirely possible in the occupation you wish to pursue. You described everything in such vivid detail. If I did not know you, I would have wondered if you had been in this circumstance yourself. Your piece was certainly intriguing, and it has left me in amazement of how deep of a thinker you truly are.
    - Garett Flores

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  27. I love your use of imagery. It really adds to the story and makes the suspense ten times better. Your writing style is very nice because it's descriptive but not overbearingly so. You leave room for your reader to visualize and imagine it, which works all the better with your story. I also love how you twisted the idea of a Pegasus from Greek mythology and gave it a futuristic idea similar to the Hindenburg or challenger incident, making the whole story tie together with history nicely.

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