There is a cul de sac with aging, vintage houses lining the street, the nicest one being at
the edge of the cul de sac, near the street where the cars would drive on. It had the greenest
and most vibrant grass with a small garden near the house and a Crape Myrtle tree in the front
yard. Two cars sit in the driveway, both in perfect symmetry of each other, with the sun
glimmering off of the hoods of the-
“NO STOP PLEASE”
“Shut up, you have no voice in this. What a useless child you've been.”
“PLEASE DON’T PUT ME BACK IN!”
cars. The door, however, is the second most beautiful piece of this house. The wooden door was lined with scratches across the precious Mahogany until it reached the handle. This handle was like no other handle. It had been dented and made loose to perfection, almost as if someone had tried to escape! Now finally as we enter this magnificent house, we see a doting mother carrying her child over her shoulder, in a very affectionate manner of course. They reach a room with only one article of furniture in the center of the room. A wardrobe closet.
“MOMMA PLEASE DON’T DO THIS PLEA-”
A loud thud was heard deep in the house along with a crack, almost as if a bone was
snapped.
“I hope you liked being locked in that closest you useless little shit. Because you're not getting
out of there for a while.”
A lock was then placed in between the handles and the click of it being sealed ran
throughout the house.
A few hours later the boy awoke, with a soreness draped upon his neck. The wardrobe was usually always empty with him being only accompanied by his tears. Today was a bit different as a bunny sat in the corner of that wardrobe. It's nose twitched in a light curiosity as it stared at the boy. It's white, fluffy coat brought a sense of joy to the boy, one that he had not felt in a very long time. The bunny hopped over to the boy and cooed, “Hold me.” The boy then picked up the bunny and buried his eyes into her fur, releasing all the tears he could. He cried and whimpered for quite sometime but the bunny didn’t mind. The bunny wanted to do nothing more but to comfort the boy. After what seemed to be an eternity the boy finally took his eyes off the bunny’s fur and the bunny then cooed out some words again, “You should probably get some rest.” The boy then let out a little whimper, nodded, and said, “Thank you for letting me cry on your fur. It's so soft. I don't really wanna go to bed but you're really nice so I'll listen. I'm sorry if I annoy you with my crying, it gets momma mad so please try not to get too mad...” The bunny then speaks again but her voice wavers, “No it's okay dear, cry all you'd like but you really need
“NO STOP PLEASE”
“Shut up, you have no voice in this. What a useless child you've been.”
“PLEASE DON’T PUT ME BACK IN!”
cars. The door, however, is the second most beautiful piece of this house. The wooden door was lined with scratches across the precious Mahogany until it reached the handle. This handle was like no other handle. It had been dented and made loose to perfection, almost as if someone had tried to escape! Now finally as we enter this magnificent house, we see a doting mother carrying her child over her shoulder, in a very affectionate manner of course. They reach a room with only one article of furniture in the center of the room. A wardrobe closet.
“MOMMA PLEASE DON’T DO THIS PLEA-”
A loud thud was heard deep in the house along with a crack, almost as if a bone was
snapped.
“I hope you liked being locked in that closest you useless little shit. Because you're not getting
out of there for a while.”
A lock was then placed in between the handles and the click of it being sealed ran
throughout the house.
A few hours later the boy awoke, with a soreness draped upon his neck. The wardrobe was usually always empty with him being only accompanied by his tears. Today was a bit different as a bunny sat in the corner of that wardrobe. It's nose twitched in a light curiosity as it stared at the boy. It's white, fluffy coat brought a sense of joy to the boy, one that he had not felt in a very long time. The bunny hopped over to the boy and cooed, “Hold me.” The boy then picked up the bunny and buried his eyes into her fur, releasing all the tears he could. He cried and whimpered for quite sometime but the bunny didn’t mind. The bunny wanted to do nothing more but to comfort the boy. After what seemed to be an eternity the boy finally took his eyes off the bunny’s fur and the bunny then cooed out some words again, “You should probably get some rest.” The boy then let out a little whimper, nodded, and said, “Thank you for letting me cry on your fur. It's so soft. I don't really wanna go to bed but you're really nice so I'll listen. I'm sorry if I annoy you with my crying, it gets momma mad so please try not to get too mad...” The bunny then speaks again but her voice wavers, “No it's okay dear, cry all you'd like but you really need
some rest so please take a nap for me.” The boy then curled up into a ball as he usually does
but remembered the bunny, opened up his arms, and the bunny then snuggled her head onto
the boy's chest and the boy then had the longest and nicest sleep he's ever had.
He also was able to dream that night, which he had never done prior. The dream goes
as follows:
There is a cul de sac. With aging, vintage houses lining the street, the nicest one being at the edge of the cul de sac, near the street where the cars would drive on. It had the greenest and most vibrant grass with a small garden near the house and a Crape Myrtle tree in the front yard. Two cars sit in the driveway, both in perfect symmetry of each other, with the sun glimmering off of the hoods of the cars.
A child's laughter then breaks the silence.
Once the door is reached, there are no scratches, the doorknob is not dented. The inside of the house is filled with laughter as a doting mother plays with her son, chasing him around, “I'm gonna getcha! Ya better run, grrrr!” The boy runs around and around, in tears from all the laughing he's done. As the night dwindles down and the boy becomes heavy-eyed, the mother then picks up her child very gently and they reach a room, decorated with his favorite colors, toys, and TV shows. The mother then places her son onto the bed, tucks him in and kisses his forehead. The sound of the kiss rings throughout the house.
The boy never awakes from his dream, but he never wanted to anyhow.
There is a cul de sac. With aging, vintage houses lining the street, the nicest one being at the edge of the cul de sac, near the street where the cars would drive on. It had the greenest and most vibrant grass with a small garden near the house and a Crape Myrtle tree in the front yard. Two cars sit in the driveway, both in perfect symmetry of each other, with the sun glimmering off of the hoods of the cars.
A child's laughter then breaks the silence.
Once the door is reached, there are no scratches, the doorknob is not dented. The inside of the house is filled with laughter as a doting mother plays with her son, chasing him around, “I'm gonna getcha! Ya better run, grrrr!” The boy runs around and around, in tears from all the laughing he's done. As the night dwindles down and the boy becomes heavy-eyed, the mother then picks up her child very gently and they reach a room, decorated with his favorite colors, toys, and TV shows. The mother then places her son onto the bed, tucks him in and kisses his forehead. The sound of the kiss rings throughout the house.
The boy never awakes from his dream, but he never wanted to anyhow.
This was an amazing piece. I loved the imagery and the dialogue sprinkled throughout it, it really made me feel like I was witnessing what was happening. The vocabulary you used also made the story more interesting. The contrast between the horrific reality and his dream world at the end was a great shift as well.
ReplyDeletethis piece allowed me to imagine everything that was going on from the loud thud that filled the house to the child's laughter breaking the silence. I loved the diction, imagery, and dialogue throughout the story.
ReplyDeleteThis piece incorporated a lot of imagery, which is one of the many reasons why I admired this flash fiction. The use of the noises throughout the household, the sound of the lock, and the interaction between the boy and bunny helped create a visual image in my head. This is the type of story where you read it and it plays in your mind like a movie. That aspect assists in making me want to read the story over and over again.
ReplyDelete-Joshua Dalisay
Wow this is definitely not the type of writing I expected when I hopped on this sight. This story has such an incredible level of depth, to the point where I feel as though I've known the child and his struggles my entire life. I can tell this comes from a super deep place and I'm amazed at how perfectly you delivered all the emotions, struggles, and parts of the journey in such a short tale.I love the style and feel of the writing overall. Muy great job
ReplyDelete-(Definitely not) Andre
Oscar, I enjoyed reading this piece. I like how you used the contrast between the sounds that rang through the house (the click of the wardrobe being locked and the mother kissing her son at bedtime) to convey the differences between the boy's lack of affection from his mother in the real world and how he felt loved only in his dream.
ReplyDelete-Lauren Whightsil
This story is amazing. I love the beginning and how you describe the scene and then cut in with dialogue and then go back to describing. I loved the flow of the story and it was very intriguing and I wanted to know what would happen in the next line. I could easily visualize the story from the setting to the child with the bunny curled up. -Jenna Jensen
ReplyDeleteThe shift from reality to dream was great and the description of the neighborhood and the wardrobe painted a clear picture in my head. I kept wanting to read more. I really liked this story! -Alanah Arteaga
ReplyDeleteI love the imagery in your piece, the description of the household, the bunny and everything else really made this so much more interesting. The topic of your writing was so intriguing, I felt so much pain in my heart as I read on but to know that the boy died in a way where he was at piece, warmed my heart. -Jobelle Dauz
ReplyDeleteYour piece truly stood out to me because of the imagery used to describe every situation. From your description of the cul de sac to the wardrobe, you painted a clear picture of not only what the situation looked like but also what it felt like to be there. Your work of flash fiction was a joy to read, thank you.
ReplyDelete-Caitlin Fanning
As been said many times already, I love the overwhelming imagery which really involves me in the story. More so, the paradox halfway through really peaked my interest in your story most especially. Not to mention, the eerie ending was an amazing finishing touch and put the cherry on top of a great story.
ReplyDeleteI love this so so much. The message you were trying to convey is placed beautifully between metaphors and an actual sense of reality. The switch between the beginning and the end really make for a dynamic piece. Everytime I read it I find more hidden details then I noticed the time before. This piece really shows how creative and strong your writing style is. Keep at it.
ReplyDelete-Breann Lee