June 1st, 8:30 a.m.:
“Hey mummy!”
“Hey my little bug! You’re awake! Ready for breakfast? Daddy
made it, today!”
“Yeah! Wait… is it pancakes and did he burn them again? And,
where is daddy?
“That’s funny, little bug, but no, fortunately not this time.
And he’s in the observatory going over his research on the newest star he found
last night. Maybe after breakfast you can go ask him if he’d let you name it.”
“He found another one? And you think he’d let me name it?
Really!?”
“Yeah I really do, love. Now, finish your pancakes—don’t
rush—and then you can go ask him about it. Sound good?”
“Yeah!”
“Okay, now don’t rush. I don’t want you choking like
yesterday.”
8:37 a.m.:
“Okay mummy, I’m all finished! I’m going to go ask daddy now!”
“Alright little bug, bring your plate here. Put on a jacket and
be careful walking up that hill!”
“I will! I’ll see you later mummy!”
“Okay darling. Give it a good name!”
8:45 a.m.:
“Hey daddy!”
“Hey love, whatcha up to?”
“Well… umm...mummy said you found a new star and—”
“Oh, the star! Yeah, I found it last night. I think you were
sleeping. You’ll love it!”
“Yeah, and she said that maybe I could... uh…well... name it?”
“Yeah of course, love! That’s a great idea! Remember though,
it’s a really special star. It’s an O-type, a beautiful blue-white star and
it’s pretty rare too. Take your time and maybe tonight we can give it its new
name. Here’s a picture that I have of it.”
“Wow… it’s beautiful! I love the blue so much!
“It’s really pretty isn’t it?”
“Yeah! Okay, I’ll give it a great name, I promise! ...Oh and
hey, I was wondering, why did you choose this spot to study the stars?”
“Well, this beach sees the clearest night sky that I have ever
seen, and this large hill is not only close to the shore but provides a perfect
360 degree view of the horizon. In other words, I can see a lot of stars here
because it’s so clear.”
“Oh okay! Well, I’m going to go think of the name! Bye daddy!”
“See you later, love! Oh! Can you tell your mother to come up
here?”
“Okay!”
9:10 a.m.:
“Hey John, what’s up? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine. I—”
“You say everything’s fine, but you seem down. What’s the
matter?”
“What? Nothing. I’m sorry if I seem that way, but everything’s
fine. ...Yeah, everything’s good.”
“Are you sure? Don’t forget that we promised to tell the truth,
every time, no matter how badly it hurts.”
“Honestly, there’s nothing—”
“When’s it going to hit?”
“What? I—”
“John… I know about it. When is it going to hit us.”
“How did you know…?”
“I went looking for you last night after you found that star. I
think you were so tired, that you went straight to bed without telling me, and
so I thought you were still at the observatory. I went up there, and didn’t
find you but instead some records and calculations showing that a rather large
anomaly, bigger than our planet, is on a collision course with us. So—”
“I’m so sorry Miela... I didn’t know how to tell you. And
there’s no way I can tell Lela. She’s too young for this! I don’t suppose you
finished that engine you‘ve been working on, have you?”
“No… I haven’t yet, though I’m really close. The engine is
nearly done, the ship’s body needs a few more panels, and the electronics need
to be connected, that’s only hours of work, maybe at most, six. Anyway... I saw
that there was a collision, but not when it was going to happen. How long do we
have, a few days? Again, I can finish the ship in a few hours.”
“Soon, Miela. Soon...”
“What do you mean soon? John… what’s that noise?”
“Okay, maybe a little sooner than I had calculated for! Let’s
see outside!”
“John! They’re asteroids! They’re probably orbiting the...
planet!? ...Is that a planet! ...Lela… John, we need to get back to the house!”
“Okay, you go ahead, I’ll be right there!”
“What do you mean?”
“Just go!”
9:16 a.m.:
“Lela, you here sweetie?”
“Yeah, Mummy, I’m here. What’s that noise? And where’s daddy?”
“Oh, it’s nothing sweetie. I think I heard about there being a
storm today. And daddy should be coming in any second now.”
“Oh okay.”
“Hey little bug... you know what? How about we play hide and
seek, just like we always do.”
“Okay! I love that game! But I get to count to ten! I love
counting!”
“...Okay love, close your eyes. ...Just like we always do.”
“Okay mummy! Here I go! Find a good hiding spot! One... two...
three... four... five... six… sev—oh wait, mummy! I know what I’m going to call
the star!”
“What’s that honey…”
“I’m going to call it Li—”
_______________________________________
June 1st 2:45 a.m.:
(The stars appear to flicker above. Miela sits up straight,
gasping for air, staring at the moon through the window, crying. She whispers)
“John. John wake up.”
(Groggy from sleep) “Hey, what’s the matter?”
“When is it going to hit us?”
“What? The huge planet thing?” (fully awake now) “I mean—”
“Yes, that. Lies and secrets may work sometimes, John, but
right now, we still have time to finish that ship. It should only take a few
hours. Are we or are we not going to get hit?”
“Yes, we are. How did you know—”
“Then good. WE are not, although you should have told me before
we slept. We’re lucky we didn’t sleep ‘til morning—that would’ve ended badly.
I’ll be in the garage, working on our exit ticket.
“Okay, let’s finish it. But...
let’s try not to worry Lela.”
“That’s the hardest part.”
“Okay then... time to see new worlds. It should be a great
journey at least.”
This story kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time i read it. I really like the nicknames that the parents gave to their daughter and I truly appreciate the way you show the family's love for one another.This is such a good story great job.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you had the earlier data log later on, in order to, add suspense to the story. I like how the story started off as calm and serene then later on shifted to a more rushed, dark tone.
ReplyDelete-Matthew Jimenez
I enjoyed how the story is entirely dialogue, yet there's such clear characterization throughout and the story itself is very dynamic. It started off very innocently and I didn't expect 9:10 AM to have me so worked up. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThe medium of conveying your entire story through small little timed logs shows a real sense of progression as every later moment you know the star is getting closer and closer to impact. I feel like only using dialogue really works for this kind of story telling as it helps you get closer to the characters which is the whole premise to the piece.
ReplyDeleteIt was very creative, I was so sad when I thought the little girl died. The shift from reality to a dream was really was very unexpected, good job!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a great piece! I love how you put the story in dialogue form as ^^ they said. Also I liked how you used the times to show the amount of time everything was taking. As I continued reading my heart pounded faster and faster! Great piece.
ReplyDeleteHello Chris! I commend you on your use of suspense. Your story began innocent enough, but your fourth log took me surprise. I enjoy your use of dialogue as it makes your story more believable. Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteThis was like witnessing a movie, the suspense kept me waiting to see what would happen. I like how you started this piece with a happy tone that soon turned mysterious and uneasy. Nice job :)
ReplyDeleteWow I loved the intimacy you portrayed with the family! Very realistic and very engaging. I enjoyed the ending, especially.
ReplyDeleteChris! You really caught me by surprise especially at the fourth entry. I also commend your use a time log and dialogue as it made your story more believable. Great Job!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks! When I began writing the story, it felt really natural to structure the entire thing with only dialogue and no narration. It gave the piece more emotion and connection with the characters. Consequently, with no narration, it was hard to tell when the scenes changed, so I added the time stamps as a way to show those changes in scenes without compromising the dialogue-only structure that I was going for. Thanks again!
Delete-Christopher Kerwin
Wow this was very successful in keeping me on the edge of my seat and biting my nails, so very well done. But I seriously have some questions that hopefully you would be so kind to answer.. first of all what ended up happening to the family? Did the life-threatening planet that was going to hit them even exist? I am getting confused because of when the wife was explaining about lies and secrets... please help me out because I am SUPER interested now!!! --Megan T
ReplyDeleteHey Megan, thanks for your comment! To answer your question, the story ends with the family finishing a ship that they had been working on, so that they can leave before the planet gets hit. The beginning of the story was about the mother's dream, and in it, she finds out that her husband was hiding the fact that he knew about the event. When she wakes up, she wakes her husband and asks him whether or not the planet is going to get hit, just so she can confirm whether or not her dream had any truth in it--as it turns out, it did. She tells him not to lie because in her dream he had lied and kept the secret from her, thinking that there was no way of escape, when if he had told her a few hours earlier, she could have finished building the spaceship. So, when she's awake, she tells him not to lie because she needs to know whether or not to rush to finish the ship so that they can leave. Thanks again for the comment! Hope this helps!
Delete-Christopher Kerwin
I really liked the creativity in your piece.The dialogue kept the reader's attention and helped to develop the plot. I found it overall really interesting! Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really like how the whole story is just told through dialogue, it makes the reactions seem more genuine to me. And I loved how it gets to the point where you know they're about to die and it ends in the middle of a sentence...and then she wakes up. It was a really cool perspective to jump backwards and it really added to the suspense. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteWow, that is not what I expected! You did a great job with the detail in the dialogue and made it very meaningful.
ReplyDeleteI really love the structure of this piece! This story had so much suspense and kept me wanting to read more and more. Great job, and super creative!! -Lauren J.
ReplyDeleteThe shift in tone was so emotionally grasping and you did a wonderful job writing this piece. The suspense surrounding the sequence of events was well executed and made your story really good in my opinion !
ReplyDeleteIt felt like such a cute beautiful story about a father and his daughter and you shifted it into something very sinister with such ease and despite their demise in such close proximity you kept a sense of hope in the story. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very compelling to read. The beginning really had me hooked! Thanks for sharing your creative ideals into creating such a story.
ReplyDeleteThis piece has so much suspense and the story is amazing! I liked how the tone drastically changed! Great Job!!
ReplyDelete-Farheen Ansari
Honestly, this seemed like just a real cute story. I audibly gasped at the "when's it gonna hit us part." Anyway, great twist and I'm pretty curious as to what the child was going to name it. Also, great job on using mostly dialogue that was easy to understand and clearly characterized all the characters.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I wanted the tone to change suddenly and hit the reader rather then build up the moment slowly, so I thought the line that you mentioned was quick and to the point, and got the job done. As for the name of the star, it's the title of the story. Thanks for leaving a comment!
Delete-Christopher Kerwin
Your piece had my emotions all over the place, I didn't know how to feel! But that's a good thing, I loved the shift it felt like there was always something new being added to the plot which kept me so intrigued! I think my favorite part of your writing was the way you added the time in which everything happened, I really liked the little touch, great piece!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a great piece! The whole time I was reading it I couldn't wait for the next part so that I could find out what was going to happen. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a unique piece of flash fiction that I thoroughly enjoyed. The story was at first very suspenseful, but I am glad that you decided to give your characters a second chance at life.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this piece, the shift was pretty intense. I also like how you did told your story through dialogue, very unconventional but also fresh. Lastly I like how you cut off the name of the planet just as the little girl was about to say it but then tied it back into your title. Overall good job
ReplyDeleteAs I kept scrolling down this piece I was sooo interested and curious on what was going to happen next! My eyes were glued to this piece and I could just imagine a scene like this happening. This story is very powerful and amazing and I applaud you for coming up with something as creative as this. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece is very suspenseful. As soon as I started reading I was instantly stuck on the tone and the mood. Good job.
ReplyDelete- Justin Huggins P.5 Solano
I love the suspense in your story how we had no idea what was happening for the first half; those are my favorite stories. Also I really liked how you told almost the entirety of your piece in dialogue! Super fun, very creative! -Vanessa Lai
ReplyDeleteI loved your piece, the first part of the dialogue reminded me of the book written by Tommy Wallach, we all looked up. I also really liked how she named the start little blue. To me it was her referencing the star almost how her parents reference to her,little bug. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the way you developed your timeline because it brings so much life to the story. This piece is original and very interesting to think about. Thank you for sharing this with us, it is a great read.
ReplyDeleteThe suspense was killing me! I thought that your piece was so interesting and it drew me in. I kept trying to anticipate what was going to happen next but i never guessed correctly. Overall it was a great piece! Good Job. - Sophia Cordura
ReplyDeleteGreat suspenseful piece. The format was a bit choppy at times, but I think it made it relatively easy to follow along.
ReplyDeleteI really love the choice of writing this piece in straight dialogue, you did a great job at creating the story with developing aspects as basic as plot and a growing climax. A wonderful read! Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked how the story is only told from the perspective of the family, and that it is only dialogue. I feel it is more interesting that way. I also really enjoyed the suspense and I was really afraid something horrible was going to happen to the family and I feel so relieved that it was a happy ending. I also love the personalities of the whole family. I value how much the parents care about their little girl. This is very well written, good job!
ReplyDeleteHaven't really seen to much dialogue in this blog! It was really cool! Really good piece!
ReplyDeleteThis story was really well developed and had a great story line! It kept getting better and better as I was reading it and it got suspenseful! Great job!
ReplyDeleteWHOA!!! I just realized that was all a dream, almost as if Miela is psychic or something but ending is killing me!! Overall, I liked this piece a lot and PLEASE tell me the ending.
ReplyDeleteI loved the dialogue approach you took with your story, and how it transformed from a simple story to something so suspenseful. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love how you were able to tell the story fully just through dialogue alone! It was so interesting and suspenseful, very nice job.
ReplyDeleteYour writing stype was definitely new compared to other short stories and I love how the trailing periods and hyphens that cut of sentences really got me at the edge of my seat. I love how you separated each scene by the exact time, too. Great job! -Lisa Ryu
ReplyDeleteYour piece was very thoughtful and well written! The suspense you used throughout the piece kept me wanting to read more. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Tyler Kniss
This piece was filled with suspense and amazingly written! I enjoyed reading every minute of it, great job!
ReplyDeleteI felt my heart drop when the little girl was interrupted, I thought that they had been hit. You wrote this very well, and used the element of suspense very well. I thought your use of a family being stuck in a perilous dilemma helped make the story all the more suspenseful and dramatic. Good job with your piece.
ReplyDeletewow this piece was so great! in the beginning i thought that it was such a cute little story, then i felt the suspense when miela confronted john, and i felt my heart drop when she just stopped talking. I loved the suspense and the story overall.
ReplyDeleteI really loved the dialogue between the family and how you incorporated a lot of details. Great piece and really well thought out. I really really want to know what she decided to name the star, even though it was all a dream. The dramatic imagery of the star, the colors, and the immensity of outer space was really well described. Overall amazing story!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was awesome. It had an amazing sense of suspense and panic towards the end that I definitely was not expecting when I started reading. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThe layout of this piece was very refreshing!!! Loved it -Mackenzie
ReplyDeleteI loved the mystery an suspense this story had it really kept me inclined to what was going to happen next. I also love how it shows how innocent children still are. This piece was really unique great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was very interesting and had me on edge the whole time. I am a little confused though, because the second part of the story where you wrote "June 1 2:45 am", was that section a flashback to earlier that morning and if so why did the husband act like he didn't know that the wife knew about the star yet they had just talked about it earlier? Other than that part that had me a little confused I think you did a very good job and I want more.
ReplyDeleteHey Cameron, thanks for your comment, and to answer your question, the first part of the story was about Miela dreaming. When she wakes up, it is the early morning of the same day that she had been dreaming about. Her dream foretold the future in which her husband refused to tell her about the imminent impact, so when she woke up, she confronted him about it, to see if her dream was true, and if it was, take action to get off of the planet because there was still time at that point--approximately six and a half hours before the planet would be hit, according to her dream. I hope that this clears things up a bit. Thanks again!
Delete-Christopher Kerwin
wow, I really loved the the writing style of this piece and how you only used dialogue. It made the it seem even more suspenseful as I was completely unaware of what any of the characters were thinking before they said it. Great job!
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept with the dialogue, well done. Very entertaining read, I enjoyed being able to imagine what the story doesn't provide with dialogue, in addition to some neat astronomy references. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI was very intrigued by the dialogue and your progression of the narrative overall. Awesome piece, Chris!
ReplyDeleteYour piece was written very well! I really liked how the story was told through the characters talking. Great job_
ReplyDelete- Jade B.
I enjoy suspenseful pieces and i really enjoyed what you wrote. I was hoping for a maybe even a different ending where it takes like a complete turn, but that's just me. Really liked your piece, i'm sure there was more you wanted to write, and that would've been great to read.
ReplyDelete- Francis Talla
I like the whole "dream/what-if" scenario that occurs and I think the successful implementation of that scenario makes this a great piece
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD my emotions are all over the place. I'm so glad that she woke up and realized what they needed to do. I loved the piece, great job!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your piece due to the vivid chronological shift between each scenes. It made me felt connected to the story as if experiencing it in person. The tone sounds novel and futuristic, bringing life to the connection of each sentence.
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting this tale have a happy, though ambiguous ending; I would have rioted if the collision really happened before Lela got to finish saying the name of the star. Also, I would really like to know the name that Lela gave the star. I love how suspenseful this piece was and the dialogue between the characters made it so intimate and captivating. Stellar job!
ReplyDeletethis story was incredible, i was on the edge of my seat the entire time! you did a great job at showing the connection between the family.
ReplyDelete-Brie D.
this piece really kept me interested because of your hyphens just leaving me hanging off my seat wanting more. I love your writing style because it really helped me imagine what was happening. Great work!
ReplyDelete