Do you “understand” people?
Let’s find out.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary tells us that to understand means “to grasp the reasonableness of”. Think about your closest friend or family member for a moment. Now imagine they are simply walking around the grocery store or the mall, and a complete stranger comes up to them and says “I think (insert candidate here) should be president and unless you agree with me your opinion is wrong”. Do you know how they would react? Now you probably said “Of course, they would (for example) walk away from that weird person”. How did you come to that conclusion? How did you “grasp the reasonableness of” this supposed reaction?
If you are anything like the subjects in the study conducted by University of Chicago and Northeastern University in the US and Ben Gurion University in Israel (Livni), you probably put yourself in the shoes of the person you were thinking of. But does that mean you really understand them?
When interviewed by Quartz, psychologist Tal Eyal said that by putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes, we are thinking about what we would do, not what they would do (Livni). In the study, when asked about the other’s preferences, viewpoints, etc., there was absolutely no difference in accuracy from the responding strangers (they met briefly before responding), spouses, or friends. Even though “perspective taking”, as it is called when we put ourselves in their shoes, led to high levels of confidence in their answers, they were all completely inaccurate in their responses.
Our whole lives, we have been told that walking in another person’s shoes is the best way to understand them. But if this isn’t true, how will we ever understand each other?
Perhaps we are not completely at fault for this. Perhaps the very definition of the word “understand” has allowed us to believe this lie. After all, who’s to say how reasonable someone or something is? Isn’t reasonableness subjective to each individual’s unique perspective?
Our understanding of someone/something should not be subject to what we find reasonable or unreasonable. When we choose to “understand” this way, we argue. We fight. We say to each other “No that’s not what that means, you came up with something different than I did so you’re wrong”, because we incorrectly assume that our understanding of something is the same as everyone else’s. This is what leads to division among friends, in households, even across entire countries. We cannot possibly fathom that someone read this same book, this same article, watched this same video, and came up with a completely different opinion than our own.
We need to change the way we understand. If we keep “understanding” based on how reasonable we find something/someone to be, we will find ourselves ignorant of the thoughts of even the closest, most cherished people in our lives.
Indeed the only way to even begin to understand is by talking to one another. Yes, human interaction. Crazy right? But the truth is, our gauge of reasonableness may be drastically different from the random person sitting next to us, or even the people closest to us. When we talk to each other, we are hearing straight from the other person's mouth how they feel about this topic, what their opinion on this subject is, instead of tainting our understanding of them with our own opinions. We can even learn how they came to those conclusions, why they feel this way. It’s the how and the why that enables us to truly understand another person. And to understand them is not to agree with them. It is simply to acknowledge the how and the why behind their opinions. When we can say “Oh, now I understand why you think this way” or “It totally makes sense how you came to this conclusion”, we are one step closer to truly understanding each other.
Do you understand?
Works Cited
Livni, Ephrat. "There's Only One Way to Truly Understand Another Person's Mind."
Quartz. Quartz, qz.com/1319441/theres-only-one-way-to-truly-understand-another-persons-mind/ . Accessed 20 Nov. 2020.
"Understand." Merriam-Webster Dictionary, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/understand. Accessed 20 Nov. 2020.
Hello, Isabel!
ReplyDeleteYour blog post definitely tackles the concept of understanding something in a very fascinating way since not only do you bring up the denotative definition of understanding something but you also bring up the fallacies that people run into when it comes to understanding a certain concept.
Until I read your blog post, I have always thought that the concept of understanding something was straightforward and objective. After reading it, however, I realized that I also am subject to the same fallacies that you have mentioned (ex: thinking about what I would do if I were in someone's shoes instead of thinking of what that person would do) and that my definition of understanding something is not at all the "correct" meaning of understanding something for everyone. Reading it made me think of understanding something as an art rather than a science.
Overall, this is an amazing post!
- Jordan Lin
Isabel, I really like this. The beginning where you ask the reader to imagine the situation really immerses the reader in the writing. I think that this is a really insightful analysis of what it means to really understand something/someone. Since we only have the ability to truly see things from our own perspective and it is physically impossible to be someone else, it becomes difficult to truly understand another person completely. We can try to put ourselves in other people's shoes, but we have not directly experienced what it is like to be them, so we can't know for sure what they will do in any given situation. Like you said, the closest we can get to really understanding other people is by having conversations with them and discussing not just what they believe, but why they believe it and what led them to their conclusions. Great job! -Maia vonHempel
ReplyDeleteIsabel, I really enjoyed your blog. I think it was very reflective and innovative. I would have never thought to re-imagine the definition of understanding. In my opinion, people have different definitions of the word, so there is not a definitive way to describe an understanding. Something that struck out to me in your blog was your criticism of the phrase, "put yourself in their shoes." I have NEVER understood why people have said that. I always imagine myself in their shoes, which does not make me understand their situation better, only better understand as to how I would react in their situation. I think this is an amazing topic and you really nailed the confusion behind the true meaning of understanding. - Abbey Jimenez
ReplyDeleteHey! I really enjoyed how you went into depth about what it means to truly understand someone else, and not focus on yourself. I actually looked back at different times I was asked to put myself in someone else's shoes, and realized that I did exactly as you said and thought about what I would do in their situation, and not about what -they- would do. It was really enlightening, and I definitely think that this will help me understand and empathize with others better! Great job! :)
ReplyDelete-Aubrey Peterson
Hey Isabel! I think your blog was really detailed and it tackled a topic that I never had much thoughts about until now. You've definitely given me a better grasp on what it means to understand something or someone. Great post! - Sean Yutuc
ReplyDeleteI really loved this blog. It really tackled an issue wherein people don't even try to understand one another and how they always think that their opinion and what they think is the only correct way of thinking. When we don't take the time to comprehend why a person thinks or act the way they do, it can lead to arguments or unresolved issues. And I love how you urge people to change their way of thinking in order to hopefully create a peaceful and unified society. - Neomie Tulac
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this. It had great details to it and it was also I'm always really interested in. It captures the process of understanding really well. Good job :) -Hailee Cianciminio
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