Toxic Beauty--Caitlin

 “Mama, am I pretty?” tearing her eyes away from the reflection of herself, the mother stared into the wide eyes of her daughter. The little girl bore a wide smile, showing off her missing front teeth, black hair which had been tied up moments ago now rested on her shoulders. She was adorable, with little cheeks that strangers and relatives alike liked to squeeze and skin that shined whiter than snow. The mother was filled with pride, not only had her son been handsome, but her two daughters were beautiful. Perfect little dolls that served as a trophy to boast about around their leering relatives.

“The prettiest, anak” the mother said.

“Mama, am I pretty?” the 12-year-old girl asked in tears. Gone was the snow-white skin, but instead replaced with a warm tan caused by too many hours in the sun with her friends. Her missing teeth, now replaced with much bigger ones that took up most of her mouth. The little cheeks were filled to the brim with fat. Along with her stomach and thighs which seemed to jiggle too much when she walked. The mother had noticed the change, and she knew the relatives had started to talk.

The girl had noticed it too. The adoration she felt growing up as a toddler had completely vanished. The harsh feeling of judgment crawled up her spine the moment she met eyes with anyone in that wretched family. It was pitiful really, the shining star had fallen from grace. She went from the ideal swan to the ugly duckling the second she strayed from their definition of beauty.

As she stared at herself in the mirror, the ugly duckling started to wonder why she had let herself go this much. God had been generous enough to bless her with natural beauty, yet she let the gift go to waste.

“Beauty is everything, my dear, without it you’re nothing.” The words her lola had whispered to her as an impressionable child echoed through her mind.

I am nothing. I am nothing. I am nothing.

What had been a meaningless comment by her lola had begun to root itself deep within her very being. At first, it was a meer seed planted into infertile soil, and it remained that way until she reached the tender of 12.

Her older sister had just started high school, she had long shed the chubby cheeks, stubby legs, and the minuscule amount of baby fat she had in the first place. Instead, it was replaced with a sharp jawline, long slim legs, and a slender build. The relatives were enthralled by the older sister’s beauty, praising the mother on a job well done.

The little girl, of course, did not mind the praise directed towards her sister, she was in fact very beautiful. She was actually very proud of having a sister that pretty and viewed her as a role model. She didn’t mind when the titas called her the lesser version of her sister. She didn’t mind the backhanded compliments thrown at her under the scrutiny of many eyes. She didn’t mind it when they told her she would be prettier if she lost weight. If her skin was lighter. If she didn’t eat so much. Except, she did mind.

The seed planted years prior by the words of her lola had grown to its full size, entrapping her in a void of self-degradation and shame. It chipped away at the wall she had built around herself the second the harsh words were spewed at her. The ugly duckling had grown up coddled by her immediate family, only to be subjected to the harsh reality forced on her by her extended family. In their eyes, she was less than perfect, imperfect to be exact, and that was the greatest sin a girl could ever commit.

Tearing her eyes away from the reflection of herself she made eye contact with her mother standing in the doorway of her room. The mother could only smile in pity as she stared at the tears running down the face of her daughter.

“Anak, come eat dinner is ready,” the mother said before she closed the door.

The girl looked down at the fat of her stomach stretching the material of her shirt, “but I don’t wanna eat” she whispered to herself.

That night an ugly duckling could be seen solemnly finishing her plate of food surrounded by swans.

2 months had passed and the girl had long forgotten the pain caused by the words thrown at her. Most likely caused by the lack of contact with her extended family, courtesy of her mother, although she hadn’t admitted to it. Even though the mother never verbally stated it, she could tell she was regretful and angry at the hurtful comments made by her family. The young girl had long forgotten it though and cheerfully continued to be herself, and for that the other was grateful. She silently prayed that nothing would knock off the smile on the little girl's face as she watched her happily munch on the hashbrowns she made. Not sensing the incoming calamity that would destroy the girl’s defenses.

That calamity came in the form of her father. The father loved his daughter dearly but did not possess the same gentleness and kindness his wife had. Often brash and inconsiderate, he spoke his mind with a rough voice. The man had just picked up his two daughters from school, his oldest son had long graduated and had gone off to college. Upon their arrival home, he

watched as his youngest daughter ran to the freezer to cook up her favorite hashbrowns. Slightly disgusted by the appetite the girl possessed at a young age the father could only watch as she placed 5 hashbrowns in the oven.

“Are you sharing the others with your sister?” he asked. “No, I’m just hungry.”

“You know, maybe if you didn’t eat that much you would look more like your sister and less like a pig,” the father said in his loud voice.

Freezing at the words uttered by her own father, the girl could feel the walls she had built up completely shattered. She could take insults or backhanded compliments uttered by jeering titas, titos, and cousins, but nothing prepared her for the man's comments.

Quietly, the heartbroken girl turned off the oven and walked up the stairs closing the door, as well as herself from the outside world. She stood in the same spot she stood 2 months prior.

“You really are nothing” she whispered to herself as the first tear of the night rolled down her face.

As days passed, the family noticed a change in the young girl. She constantly begged the mother to sign her up for sports, something she had no interest in before. She avoided the sun like a vampire, only going outside when deemed necessary. Most noticeably she locked herself in her room and away from the noise of her family, and most importantly away from the onslaught of rude comments spewed at her by her father. All of which never reached the ears of her mother. The dad thought nothing of the words he spewed and deemed them nothing, while the daughter acknowledged the man’s ignorance and didn’t want to try anymore.

Years passed and the girl was in high school, much like her sister had been before. She walked around the halls with anxiety brewing in the pit of her stomach. The girl so wounded by the judgemental stares of her family could not walk in public without thinking people were judging her. She could not meet new people without assuming they either hated her or thought she was ugly.

The girl, worn out by her day at school hurried home with hasty steps. Upon her arrival, she walked up the stairs to the entrance of her room and stood in front of her mirror. Hearing a noise to the left of her, the girl looked away from her reflection in the mirror and made eye contact with her mother.

“Mama, am I pretty?”

The mother looked at her youngest daughter. She was beautiful, the chubby cheeks had disappeared and was replaced with a delicate jaw and slim face. The protruding fat that had

once stuck out was nowhere to be seen and was instead replaced with a toned abdomen. The result of the endless sports her daughter subjected herself to. Her chipmunk teeth, nicely straightened out by braces, and her light skin shining bright.

The mother felt herself tear up, such a beautiful girl had been exposed to the toxic beauty standards created by society but enforced by those closest to her. The girl had successfully bloomed into a beautiful swan but threw away her own confidence and happiness she had when she was younger. All in pursuit of the subjective topic of beauty. Not once in her life had the girl been ugly, she was just made to believe those lies as an impressionable young girl. The daughter stood there looking desperately at her mother, waiting for the reply she had heard countless times before. The girl was beautiful, but she was broken, and only one thing would appease her.

The mother smiled solemnly, “the prettiest,” she whispered.