Childhood Friend--Arianna

 Sometimes one of the hardest things to grieve is the loss of someone still alive. I once had a friend who had the kindest eyes and most contagious laugh. Her smile was as tender as a warm sunny day. She was the bright sunny rays providing the light over my life. She had a distinct way of calling for my name. Each time sounded like she was excited to see me. I hope I never forget what her voice sounds like.

It was one of those friendships where you don't remember how you became friends you just were, and it made sense. We were different in every way, but our differences are what made our friendship work. We shared laughter and tears. All the ups and downs. We bonded through our fear of being alone in a big scary world. We were the type of friends that told each other everything. The type of things someone told you specifically not to tell anyone, but your best friend never counted. She was my other half. I couldn't live a day without her. The thought of being independent scared me because I relied on her as she relied on me. We got through everything together.

We both had our own personal problems, but she came with big luggage. She grew up in the foster care system and was adopted around the time we met. She faced problems no kid should have to. We were only kids in elementary school when she was facing the reality of her unhealed wounds. When you're a kid, you don't really know how to help a friend who's suffering. It's never easy. The amount of sleep she got never mattered because it was her soul that was tired. I tried being there for her as best as I could, but I didn't exactly know how. I could tell she tried to seem like everything was okay, but the amount of weight she carried showed. Kids recognizing her head hanging low would ruthlessly taunt her. She was the kind of person that even if you hurt her, she would respond back with kindness. I admire that about her. Regardless of the hardships she went through, she still strived to be a better person day by day. She always had a soothing nurturing essence about her. She once told me when I was having a bad day that “We'll get through it together,” and “It's only temporary.” She taught me a lot about courage and strength. Those details are important to reflect the type of person she was. To reflect on how she changed the way I viewed life, forever impacting me.

As we went through the years of school, we had less and less time for each other. We didn't need to hang out at school to keep our glue-like bond. Or so I thought. Outside of school our conversations went from every day to once a week, then to an awkward exchange of “Hello.” and “How are you.” I planned to catch up with her the next day to rekindle our friendship, but little did I know that was the last time I'd see her. She had moved to a different state and school due to her situation. She didn't have it in her to say goodbye. We tried keeping in contact over social media as best we could. It didn't last for long before we went our separate ways. Shortly after our last conversation I noticed she had deleted her social media account. I was her only friend that knew about it. I knew no one that kept in touch with her. That was the last time I heard from her. I wish I knew why she decided to delete it or why she didn’t say goodbye. It made me wonder if she cherished our friendship the way I did. It made me wonder if I did something wrong. It made me fear the worst. What if something bad happened to her. Either way, at that moment, I lost a childhood best friend. I lost the person who I spent the best and worst times with. I lost the person that taught me that even when life gets unbearingly hard, to remember that pain is only temporary.

As I reflected on our friendship, I realized I never told her how much she meant to me. I knew I cared for her, but I never expressed it. I didn't put in enough effort to keep the friendship going. I didn't check in enough. My mind would be at ease if I knew she was okay. Sometimes I can't help but think the worst. I wish I had the chance to tell her how much I appreciated her. To tell her how much she made me feel seen. To tell her how she made me laugh so hard that for a second, I'd forget about my problems. To tell her how I admire her beautiful pure soul. To thank her for showing me a real friend. Since then, I learned in friendship it is not the thought that counts, but the effort you put in. I now make sure to check in on my friends more often, and not only tell them how much I appreciate them, but show them. After all you never know when they'll unexpectedly move away and never to be seen again.

I like to think people don't need you as a friend and it's the fact that you consistently choose each other that makes it special. It was a hard pill to swallow, but some friendships are meant to come to an end. For the longest time I used to blame myself for the way our friendship ended, but I like to believe we were put in each other's lives at that specific time for a reason. We helped each other get by. But as old chapters close and ones open, we fall out of friendships and that's okay. It's part of growing up.