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Monday, May 2, 2016

Maybe it wont see me--Brandon M.

Maybe it wont see me if I stand here, motionless. I slow my breathing, taking small quiet breaths as to not alert this, this thing in front of me. I clench and grind my teeth to keep in my pathetic whimpers. I'm on the verge of tears. My back is against the wall as I stare outside my bedroom window. This man, this creature, this thing is looking straight at me. Completely still. Whatever this creature was, it was humanoid in nature. I was only able to see the top half of it's face. The bottom half was shrouded completely in darkness. It had its eyelids peeled all the way back, tight, to reveal it's eyes. It's eyes? I dont know what they were. They were White? Black? No. It was much different then that. It was like there was an absent of anything there. Like they were empty, hungering, sucking in the life and light that is all around it. But I knew there was something there. I can feel it. It's digging straight through my eyes into the back of my head and I know it sees me. It knows if I simply move or run for the phone or do anything to take my eyes off this monstrosity it has me. As if amused by my realization of this it took a couple more steps towards the window, pressing it's nose against it, as if it wanted me to see what it was. To see it's whole... face. It had a mouth like any other human would, but it's mouth was different. It sort of just hung there. It's bottom jaw seemed to be unhinged from the rest of the mouth, swaying loosely, held by loose pale skin. It had teeth. Teeth like you would find on a dog. Sharp, pointy. Almost canine like. Condensation began to form on the window, covering it's mouth, but I can see the thing began to smile. I can see it's cheeks raise, the muscles tensing up. It knows it has me. I know it has me. I keep staring at it, to maybe the point where I can delay the inevitable. What time is it? Maybe I can keep it there, keep staring at it until sunrise. Maybe someone will spot it as the sun raises and people in the neighborhood begin to wake up. I can't check the time. I cant do a quick glance to check the alarm clock. If I take a my eyes off of it for any second it will come for me. I try to remember what time I came into the bedroom. I frantically try remember all the little details. I need to know how long until sunrise. I let out a deep, lengthened breath in realization. I remember... it's 1 AM. 5 hours I have to keep this up. My eyes are getting heavy, my yawns are getting heavy. Sleep is slowly embracing my body. No. I need to stay awake. People rely on me and I need to stay awake. The monstrosity seems to sense that I was failing, slowly falling into the clutches of sleep. It is ready in anticipation. It raises it's arm and touches the window pane. The hand is absolutely filthy, completely pale with a ghastly yellow that engulfs it's fingernails. The hand is covered in a crimson red, covered in blood, as if it had just come back from a previous kill. Oh, no. My eyes are getting heavier and heavier. My will to go on is slowly being sucked out of me. Darkness. No. I snap awake and quickly glance at the window. The thing wasn't there. All that was left was a glistening red hand print and the slowly fading condensation. Shit. I only closed my eyes for a few seconds. I knew what I have just done. I just lay back in the bed and stare at the ceiling, taking in the fine specs of detail. It's now coming for me and there is nothing I can do. I can hear the back door handle rattling. Click. The lock has just clicked and the door slowly creaks open. Shuffling in the hall way. Slowly. A scrape and then a thump. Scrape, thump. Scrape, thump. I continue to look at the ceiling, wondering about all the things I'll miss. Scrape, thump. The daughters I haven't seen in years, grow up. Scrape, thump. The job that I'll miss. Scrape, thump. The friends who have had my back for so long. Scrape, thump. The life I will never get to live. Scrape, thump. The sound stopped. It was right outside my door. I slowly turn my head and glance at it. The door creaks open and I see hand enter the room, smearing it's bloody hand print on the back of it as it enters. It's head slowly pears in. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. It sees me.

37 comments:

  1. You have done an amazing job at describing every single little detail of the monster your character is seeing. The descriptions give me a sense that time has suddenly stopped and the character is able to look intricately at the monster and I feel like I can see it as well. I enjoy the end of the story as well when we hear the characters thoughts in between the monster coming closer. Really good job, I think you should continue this so I can know what ends up happening! Is it a real monster, or not?
    -Chloe Hopkins

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  2. I liked this story it was very suspenseful good job.

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  3. I love this. Dark storytelling is my forte. I love watching how characters react to different situations, very intriguing to consider that this is the type where death is imminent, and the main doesn't even try to put up a fight. The suspense and description were a crimson shade of pleasant and I'll surely be fortifying my house this night. Your story was dreadfully delightful muahaha.

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  4. Brandon my man this is really great! Excellent job on the detail when describing what the monster looks like.
    ~ Gregory Gomez

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  5. The details and the description are wonderful. The description really helps with creating an image in my head, and the monster is not very pretty. I truly enjoyed the suspense and diction such as the word "crimson" great choice. Great job!
    -Jerelle Medina period 4

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  6. Noooo! the suspense is too good. you did a great job with all the details that brought the reader into the story as if they were the one seeing this mysterious creature. I want to know so bad on what this creature was and what it was going to do to the speaker. Well done. I enjoyed this read.

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  7. This is my favorite piece I have read so far. It had me hooked from beginning to end and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. This is a piece that leaves the reader sitting on the edge of their seat, and that is what happened when I finished reading it. It is a gift to be able to do that! Amazing job!
    -Marissa Putrick

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  8. The amount of detail you put in your story is amazing and is what is expected from a suspenseful story like this. I know you didnt go into full body details about your creature, but with the details that were given, my imagination created a terrifying monster. The imagery was great especially how you described the actions of the monster and what is does to its victims when it knows it has them. Great Job keep it up!

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  9. Oh my goodness, I love this so much! The details, the suspense had me on the edge of my seat. The description you gave made me so serious, and as scary a it seems I want to know what this creature is. Good job, it was well written!

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  10. The imagery and detail in your piece is beyond amazing! I could actually see this fierce, menacing monster coming from the darkness, and it made for quite an entertaining read. Perhaps my favorite part was the repetition of the "stomp thump" toward the end as I felt as if it contributed to a more suspenseful and ominous tone. Job well done! You've left me wanting to read more to find out what happens next
    -Pavia Omolewa

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  11. This was so suspenseful i really liked it. I liked all the questions the main character asks when they recognize death may be near because its so true, we dont really think of things like that unless times are crucial. really well written!

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  12. Very suspenseful. Very well written. Great use of imagery and detail. Loved your work.

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  13. I just want to know what happens next ... Lol loved it .

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  14. The suspense is cool ! I don't know if I was supposed to laugh but I thought the scrape thump was pretty funny ..I like the fact the story takes place pretty much through the speakers thoughts .

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  15. Super detailed, it's as if I could feel the monster in the room with me. I liked how there was a sense of suspense as well. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, great job. - Alyssa Tandoc Per 4

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  16. Bro, that onomatopoeia was SICK. From the terrifying imagery to the deathly atmosphere, I truly felt engrossed in the story. Even your main character, who does little more than stare at the creature, reveals a lot about himself. It's his inaction and his thoughts of the world he's about to leave behind that were really cool to me. You're an academic gangster Brandon.
    -Christopher Trevino

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  17. Great read! Made me feel like I was watching a scary movie and not just reading a scary story. Had my heart racing and all very well done!
    -Reymie Morris

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  18. The attention to detail made this story such a suspenseful read! The imagery was impeccable, it seem like I was watching a movie, great job.

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  19. The attention to detail made this story such a suspenseful read! The imagery was impeccable, it seem like I was watching a movie, great job.

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  20. Oh my god, this scared the living soul out of me!!! I loved the vivid details you used to describe the monster, and the thoughts that ran through the victim. It felt as if I was his next victim.
    -Oyinda Akinnusi

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  21. This scared me so much that I cried, best diction and imagery in a work that I've read

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  22. My favorite part of the story was the amount of detail you put into this story. The suspense was well-developed, so great job!

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  23. Dark? Check. Suspenseful? Check. Has my interest? Double check.the lack of detail provided about the monster left a lot to the imagination, allowing the teader to create their own monster. The point of view also cretaed a sort of tension because when there is fear present you can't help but think in a rushed manner. This a great piece for those that enjoy the dark side of storytelling.

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  24. Dark? Check. Suspenseful? Check. Has my interest? Double check.the lack of detail provided about the monster left a lot to the imagination, allowing the teader to create their own monster. The point of view also cretaed a sort of tension because when there is fear present you can't help but think in a rushed manner. This a great piece for those that enjoy the dark side of storytelling. -Brian Rojas

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  25. This was definitely one of my favorites very attention grabbing so what happens next lol

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  26. I loved your use of imagery and detail and I think the suspense is what really drew me in. Great Job! -Allyssa F

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  27. I couldn't stop reading this piece. i'm a sucker for suspense. wonderful job!!

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  28. I love how you had me wanting more every second, the imagery and suspense were great

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  29. It was really well written, sometimes you forget your never really of things like this unless your truly on the spot, I thought the speaker was really instresting, you can denfinaly see your writing style. GOOD JOb !

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  30. The detail in your work is amazing and you did a great job at expressing the fear and distress of the main character. You left me in suspense the entire time. Great job!

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  31. I love the imagery and word choice you used in order to describe the whole situation. You've really found something you're good at, because your narrating and descriptive skills are so well-crafted. Each part of the story brought out a different emotion, whether it be fear, doubt, suspense, sheer horror, and many more. Great work.

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  32. ugh you left us on a cliffhanger, i want more !
    -shaniya t.

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  33. Nicely written and great flow, the characters little asides really drew me in and it made it feel as if I was in their shoes.

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  34. The detail in your story was phenomenal! I loved how you really captured your monster's description. I love suspenseful stories so I loved your piece. Great job!

    -Karyna G

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  35. what happens next!! haha i loved it great job -Janier Ajila

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  36. A little dark story never hurt anyone, thanks for the change of pace! You should keep writing!

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  37. I love this piece. Very suspenseful and the detail you used is really good. ^-^

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