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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Rochelle--The New World Lies Ahead



THE NEW WORLD LIES AHEAD-
Peering through the tinted shaded window, I looked upon to the gay clear blue sky. Concentrated on the outside, I didn’t realize I was already at my high school’s parking lot. “This is where I leave you Evelyn,” I turn my attention to my mom. The tone in her voice didn’t sound so gleam but sounded morose. “Is everything alright mom?” I asked unbuckling and grabbing my ragid satchel from underneath the seat. “Everything is alright Eve,” she faked a smile. I stepped out of the car putting my satchel over my body. Once I closed the car door my mom immediately left and I didn’t seem to question it. “Hey Evelyn”, I heard a familiar boyish voice call. It was Liam Haynes, my best friend since year six when I had braces and he was a bit chunky and short. Now he grew past my height, lost his baby fat, and his light brown hair was in a quiff. “Liam!” excitement in my voice grew as I ran over to hug him. He pulled away smiling, “How was your weekend Eve?” “It was usual, boring so to speak.” I laughed in response. “Where’s Cali?” I questioned for his twin sister. “I don’t know maybe she’s on the softball field,” Liam started walking towards the field. I followed him behind without another word. When we walked up the stairs leading to the softball and baseball fields, my nose filled with a horrible stentch; of death. “Do you smell that Liam?” I asked covering my mouth. “Yeah, what is that smell?” he gagged. Once we reached the top I looked around for Cali. “Is that her?” I pointed to the female figure on the farthest softball field. I squinted to get a better look at her. There was something red spattered on the side of her neck and left hip. Cali looked dead. There was also a man similar looking to Cali. The two of them dragged there feet towards Liam and I. “What happened to Cali?” I questioned to Liam panicking. “I don’t know but that’s not my sister,” Liam gulped. “I don’t know Liam, maybe she’s just sick,” I started walking towards them. Cali and the stranger were groaning and moaning jibberish. I felt an arm touch my shoulder; I jumped and turned to see Liam. “We need to go now, I know in my gut Cali is not the Cali we know anymore,” he said. I took one more look at Cali. When I glanced at her she was on her knees eating a bird. “What is happening?” “Is this the beginning of a new world?” I mumbled out loud. “Maybe the start of something tragically devastating.” Liam and I ran back into one of the buildings which became a huge mistake.

41 comments:

  1. It was an interesting beginning, their was a lot of foreshadowing going on throughout the story.

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  2. This can easily be an excerpt found in a teen/young adult novel. You did very well with transitions and setting up the scene. Great job!

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  3. I like how you started in the beginning, making it sound all mundane and boring, and then sharply contrasting it with some crazy chick eating a bird. You did a great job adding drama and emphasizing the abnormality.

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  4. This does a good job creating suspense.

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  5. This piece was different. I expected it to be about a journey through high school, but you completely took me by surprise. I am still a bit confused, however on who Cali really is. She was eating a bird, but I have no clue what she is... Is she a vampire?? Great job, it was truly enjoyable reading this, especially with the element of surprise.

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed this. To answer you question, Cali is a zombie.

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  6. Wow this was great! I truly enjoyed the use vivid imagery and descriptive language. Your piece left me wanting more. I would really like to know what happens next.

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  7. This story was so impacting and interesting. Good job!!!!

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  8. Great job! I was not expecting the story to be about zombies. Great job on your use of detail.

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  9. wow thats crazy i do like this essay it was well written even though some weird things happpen i hope u enjoy your highschool it goes by fast trust me

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  10. This was really suspenseful and so well written! I really enjoyed this. I like how you wrote about the softball field and how the character is named Liam Haynes. Because I know about your love for softball and One Direction. This story really showed a little of your personality, and I loved it Rochelle. :)

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    1. You caught me! Yeah, I wanted to put a little bit of who I am into my piece. And I'm glad you enjoyed reading this Katie.

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  11. " The start of something tragically devastating " Let me guess ... ZOMBIES?!?! I really enjoyed reading this piece because it has one of my interests, zombies! You also used lots of detail that made me feel as if I was standing with you and Liam. Great job!!!

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  12. the beginning had a slow start, but the rest of the story had taken off with a running start and I enjoyed it very much! I think my heart skipped a beat when the story had reached the climax haha, amazing job and keep on writing!

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  13. The story left me a little confused but only because I really wanted to understand. It catches the reader's attention and keeps it. Very well.

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  14. the fact that you started the story really normal and like a casual was really relatable and hooked the reader and then you just change it up, and then leave with a cliffhanger to keep everyone in suspense, great work!

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  15. Very well written, impressing how you caught all of your readers by surprise with your plot twist!

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  16. It's the apocalypse! Great job. I really enjoyed reading this. I didn't expect it to go the way it did, which made it even more enticing. I also love how you ended it on a cliffhanger - I want to read more! Well done!

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  17. I was really interested at the beginning (and throughout the whole story actually), I thought this was going to be a cute story. But then it changed and I started reading faster because I was kind of scared. I would like to know what happens next but I'm not sure I want to. Great writing though.

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  18. good job on this piece i was very eager to see how it ended i was really on the edge of my seat.

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  19. Wonderful! Had me on the edge of my seat. Why was it a mistake to run to the edge of the buildings?! The bird reference left me a little queasy, should have cooked it first.. Please write a sequel!

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    1. Ha, funny you say that. I really want to be a writer. So as a start, I'm thinking of writing a book on this.

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  20. nice imagery to grab the reader in the beginning:_)

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  21. very interesting and suspense
    great work! :)

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  22. This sounds like something that would be written in a best selling novel. It was so detailed and full of emotion, it drew me in very quickly.

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  23. The suspense kills me! It was captivating. Great job.

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  24. great imagination ahha this story was unexpected yet entertaining! keep it up

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  25. The story took a great turn, good job !

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  26. You grabbed my attention very quickly, I think it was your amazing imagery! I wish I knew what bothered the speaker's mother and wondered if she knew what was happening.

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  27. Wow! What on Earth happened? Being able to hook a reader is a linchpin skill in fiction writing, and this story shows you have the proclivity. I hope you pursue this further!

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  28. great description. this sounds like it came right out of a book

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  29. The title immediately captured my attention, and the story definitely did not let me down. There was so much suspense building up I was practically holding my breath. For future reference, I suggest separating the paragraphs a bit more, especially during dialog; keep each paragraph to a single person, kind of like,
    "Hey," Liam said.
    "Hi," I replied.
    But other than that, it was really good. Great job!

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  30. I'm stunned! That was such a great story I did not think it would have ended that way. Nice job!

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  31. This was interesting to read. If this was a novel I would read it. Thanks for sharing your work.

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  32. Talk about keeping your reader on the edge of their seat, great job!

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  33. The writing is great, I spend the first three minutes thinking this happened in real life until I got to the climax.

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  34. I love suspense stories. I love detail. I love this work. Your imagery was so strong, it's like theres a movie in my mind. Thanks !

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  35. Wow I did not expect this! I really enjoyed the twist! I didn't expect the zombies! Well done!
    -Lauren Waitman

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  36. that escalated quickly! I felt as if the tone shouldve became more urgent after he realized his sister was hurt.

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  37. The beginning was a bit slow.. but as i kept reading it shocked me ! I really enjoyed this piece of writing:)

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  38. This was a very good piece. I enjoyed reading it.
    -Garrett Lachase

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