THE NEW WORLD LIES AHEAD-
Peering through the tinted shaded
window, I looked upon to the gay clear blue sky. Concentrated on the outside, I
didn’t realize I was already at my high school’s parking lot. “This is where I
leave you Evelyn,” I turn my attention to my mom. The tone in her voice didn’t
sound so gleam but sounded morose. “Is everything alright mom?” I asked
unbuckling and grabbing my ragid satchel from underneath the seat. “Everything
is alright Eve,” she faked a smile. I stepped out of the car putting my satchel
over my body. Once I closed the car door my mom immediately left and I didn’t
seem to question it. “Hey Evelyn”, I heard a familiar boyish voice call. It was
Liam Haynes, my best friend since year six when I had braces and he was a bit
chunky and short. Now he grew past my height, lost his baby fat, and his light
brown hair was in a quiff. “Liam!” excitement in my voice grew as I ran over to
hug him. He pulled away smiling, “How was your weekend Eve?” “It was usual,
boring so to speak.” I laughed in response. “Where’s Cali?” I questioned for
his twin sister. “I don’t know maybe she’s on the softball field,” Liam started
walking towards the field. I followed him behind without another word. When we
walked up the stairs leading to the softball and baseball fields, my nose
filled with a horrible stentch; of death. “Do you smell that Liam?” I asked
covering my mouth. “Yeah, what is that smell?” he gagged. Once we reached the
top I looked around for Cali. “Is that her?” I pointed to the female figure on
the farthest softball field. I squinted to get a better look at her. There was
something red spattered on the side of her neck and left hip. Cali looked dead.
There was also a man similar looking to Cali. The two of them dragged there
feet towards Liam and I. “What happened to Cali?” I questioned to Liam panicking.
“I don’t know but that’s not my sister,” Liam gulped. “I don’t know Liam, maybe
she’s just sick,” I started walking towards them. Cali and the stranger were
groaning and moaning jibberish. I felt an arm touch my shoulder; I jumped and turned
to see Liam. “We need to go now, I know in my gut Cali is not the Cali we know anymore,”
he said. I took one more look at Cali. When I glanced at her she was on her
knees eating a bird. “What is happening?” “Is this the beginning of a new world?”
I mumbled out loud. “Maybe the start of something tragically devastating.” Liam
and I ran back into one of the buildings which became a huge mistake.
It was an interesting beginning, their was a lot of foreshadowing going on throughout the story.
ReplyDeleteThis can easily be an excerpt found in a teen/young adult novel. You did very well with transitions and setting up the scene. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like how you started in the beginning, making it sound all mundane and boring, and then sharply contrasting it with some crazy chick eating a bird. You did a great job adding drama and emphasizing the abnormality.
ReplyDeleteThis does a good job creating suspense.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was different. I expected it to be about a journey through high school, but you completely took me by surprise. I am still a bit confused, however on who Cali really is. She was eating a bird, but I have no clue what she is... Is she a vampire?? Great job, it was truly enjoyable reading this, especially with the element of surprise.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you enjoyed this. To answer you question, Cali is a zombie.
DeleteWow this was great! I truly enjoyed the use vivid imagery and descriptive language. Your piece left me wanting more. I would really like to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteThis story was so impacting and interesting. Good job!!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I was not expecting the story to be about zombies. Great job on your use of detail.
ReplyDeletewow thats crazy i do like this essay it was well written even though some weird things happpen i hope u enjoy your highschool it goes by fast trust me
ReplyDeleteThis was really suspenseful and so well written! I really enjoyed this. I like how you wrote about the softball field and how the character is named Liam Haynes. Because I know about your love for softball and One Direction. This story really showed a little of your personality, and I loved it Rochelle. :)
ReplyDeleteYou caught me! Yeah, I wanted to put a little bit of who I am into my piece. And I'm glad you enjoyed reading this Katie.
Delete" The start of something tragically devastating " Let me guess ... ZOMBIES?!?! I really enjoyed reading this piece because it has one of my interests, zombies! You also used lots of detail that made me feel as if I was standing with you and Liam. Great job!!!
ReplyDeletethe beginning had a slow start, but the rest of the story had taken off with a running start and I enjoyed it very much! I think my heart skipped a beat when the story had reached the climax haha, amazing job and keep on writing!
ReplyDeleteThe story left me a little confused but only because I really wanted to understand. It catches the reader's attention and keeps it. Very well.
ReplyDeletethe fact that you started the story really normal and like a casual was really relatable and hooked the reader and then you just change it up, and then leave with a cliffhanger to keep everyone in suspense, great work!
ReplyDeleteVery well written, impressing how you caught all of your readers by surprise with your plot twist!
ReplyDeleteIt's the apocalypse! Great job. I really enjoyed reading this. I didn't expect it to go the way it did, which made it even more enticing. I also love how you ended it on a cliffhanger - I want to read more! Well done!
ReplyDeleteI was really interested at the beginning (and throughout the whole story actually), I thought this was going to be a cute story. But then it changed and I started reading faster because I was kind of scared. I would like to know what happens next but I'm not sure I want to. Great writing though.
ReplyDeletegood job on this piece i was very eager to see how it ended i was really on the edge of my seat.
ReplyDeleteWonderful! Had me on the edge of my seat. Why was it a mistake to run to the edge of the buildings?! The bird reference left me a little queasy, should have cooked it first.. Please write a sequel!
ReplyDeleteHa, funny you say that. I really want to be a writer. So as a start, I'm thinking of writing a book on this.
Deletenice imagery to grab the reader in the beginning:_)
ReplyDeletevery interesting and suspense
ReplyDeletegreat work! :)
This sounds like something that would be written in a best selling novel. It was so detailed and full of emotion, it drew me in very quickly.
ReplyDeleteThe suspense kills me! It was captivating. Great job.
ReplyDeletegreat imagination ahha this story was unexpected yet entertaining! keep it up
ReplyDeleteThe story took a great turn, good job !
ReplyDeleteYou grabbed my attention very quickly, I think it was your amazing imagery! I wish I knew what bothered the speaker's mother and wondered if she knew what was happening.
ReplyDeleteWow! What on Earth happened? Being able to hook a reader is a linchpin skill in fiction writing, and this story shows you have the proclivity. I hope you pursue this further!
ReplyDeletegreat description. this sounds like it came right out of a book
ReplyDeleteThe title immediately captured my attention, and the story definitely did not let me down. There was so much suspense building up I was practically holding my breath. For future reference, I suggest separating the paragraphs a bit more, especially during dialog; keep each paragraph to a single person, kind of like,
ReplyDelete"Hey," Liam said.
"Hi," I replied.
But other than that, it was really good. Great job!
I'm stunned! That was such a great story I did not think it would have ended that way. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteThis was interesting to read. If this was a novel I would read it. Thanks for sharing your work.
ReplyDeleteTalk about keeping your reader on the edge of their seat, great job!
ReplyDeleteThe writing is great, I spend the first three minutes thinking this happened in real life until I got to the climax.
ReplyDeleteI love suspense stories. I love detail. I love this work. Your imagery was so strong, it's like theres a movie in my mind. Thanks !
ReplyDeleteWow I did not expect this! I really enjoyed the twist! I didn't expect the zombies! Well done!
ReplyDelete-Lauren Waitman
that escalated quickly! I felt as if the tone shouldve became more urgent after he realized his sister was hurt.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning was a bit slow.. but as i kept reading it shocked me ! I really enjoyed this piece of writing:)
ReplyDeleteThis was a very good piece. I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDelete-Garrett Lachase