A Modern ‘Monster’
Datalog 000000001;
I woke up. The darkness surrounded me and the deafening silence was startling. I was
terrified. I remained in this state of utter nothingness for a minute. Suddenly I heard a loud pop,
and could hear. I was shortly after assaulted by the sounds of the world. I could hear grinding
metal and rolling gears, I heard the whirr of motors, the ticking of clocks, the hollow clunks of
thick plastics. I could hear the muffled noises of birds singing, I heard gentle breathing and
distinct heartbeats. Just a moment after the assault on my hearing had begun, my eyes popped
into existence and I could see the world that had created these noises. I screamed, yet I could
make no noise.
When I looked around, I saw a number of various contraptions swinging and moving.
Directly below my head was a conveyor belt that rolled me forward. On either side of the belt
was a number of spindly white arms with various machines on their ends. Beyond the arms, the
remainder of the facility stretched outwards, four white walls enclosing an expanse of conveyor
belts, arms, and wheels. A number of people in large, white coats wandered about the facility,
monitoring this and that, though they never interfered with the machines.
Before me lay a number of identical black, oblong balls. We were lined up in a single
file line up the conveyor and I watched as the arms grinded away excess metal, welded
additional components, and inserted a number of cords and chips into these black balls. Bright
and vibrant sparks exploded from the arms and flew in brilliant contrast to the white background.
I followed and received treatment identical to those before me. A larger arm descended before
me holding a large white disc. The disc was made of thick ceramic and glowed with a warm red
glow. The arm lowered the disk over me and placed it on my face. The mask glowed to life and a
number of odd characters filled my vision.
As I continued to explore this new fascination I began to see the end of the belt. One by one, the
balls ahead of me dropped suddenly and were carried away in a small white box. One of the arms
inserted some kind of microchip into my face and I could feel the world around me. The soft
breeze of the building and the tough rubber beneath me were overshadowed by the violent pain
of the grinders and welders which were disfiguring me from behind. I tried again to shriek once
again, but to no avail. I moved further down the belt and could now see the end quite clearly, it
was just two feet ahead of me when I felt a new arm reach behind my head from above—
Your story had me wanting to keep reading to find out what was going to happen.
ReplyDeleteWow, the was really interesting, I wanted to know what happens next, it was very suspenseful.
ReplyDeleteGreat use if imagery! I can still hear the cacophonous sounds filling my ears and evision the series of metals that follow as the speaker goes through the conveyor. This was a good read. Thanks for sharing your creativity. ��
ReplyDeleteI love the way this is written. You incorporate such vivid details that exude the essence of the unfamiliarity of the situation. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece of writing was excellent! I loved your use of imagery throughout the story. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteThis piece of writing is wonderful in every way. Your choice of adjectives is splendid! Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteIt is a good story because he made it sound realistic. He makes it sound like its real to me.
ReplyDeleteThis gets the reader interested right away.
ReplyDeleteGood job :)
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very intruiging. The imagery you used and diction allows the reader to visualize every inch of the aspect and keeps the story interesting. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this piece from a different perspective. Generally when reading stories about creations, you hear it from the perspective of the creator and not the creation. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI like this story a lot. I got chills all over my body by the details. but comment that I would say is the way the spacing is. but either way nice job.
ReplyDeleteGreat use of diction and detail! I could really picture everything that was going on! Good job!
ReplyDeleteGreat details thought the story. Made it very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI really loved your story it kept me on the edge of my seat wanting to know what would happen next.
ReplyDeleteThis story was really good because it sounded so realistic and great detail
ReplyDeleteYour piece was very captivating and used a lot of diction and detail. You grabbed my attention from the very beginning and kept me focused until the end. Great piece!
ReplyDeleteVery good story! Your great use of imagery really kept me interested in reading the story.
ReplyDeleteGreat description and specific explanation. When I was done reading I was thinking about images of the story. Perfect!!
ReplyDeleteNice drop off! Left me very intrigued. Good use of imagery. Well written.
ReplyDeleteGreat detail and imagery! I could feel and see everything you were describing. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteI was on the edge of my seat! great job with the suspense at the end!!!! #cliffhanger
ReplyDeleteVery realistic and nice imagery
ReplyDeleteWow what a piece! You included many descriptive adjectives and the rich imagery made it really interesting to read! I also emjoyed how you wrote this in the structure of a memo stating it was your "Datalog 000000001."
ReplyDeleteyou did an amazing job setting the mood and the scene of the story. it was definitely very interesting and suspenseful! i loved it
ReplyDeletethis is a nice usage of description and imagery, great job!
ReplyDeleteI found your story to be very suspenseful, wanting me to continue reading, very well done.
ReplyDeleteGreat job describing the and setting the mood i felt as if i was there great job hope to see more like this.
ReplyDeleteGreat use of imagery and diction. The arms appearing infront of me left me a bit worried even though i knew they werent real. The end left me very intrigued and makes me want to know what happened after.
ReplyDeleteVery vivid imagery, you plopped the reader into a world that was unfamiliar to us and that made me curious as to what was going on so I had to keep reading. Very well written
ReplyDeletevery detailed and your use of imagery was great and interesting!
ReplyDeletegood job :)
I really like how you began your piece. Great descriptions, nice job!
ReplyDeleteInteresting very intriguing piece:)
ReplyDeleteThis was a well written piece. It has vivid imagery and a very interesting concept. I want to know what happens next. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteYour piece was very well written. It had a lot of imagery and detail that enhanced your story. Nice job
ReplyDeletegreat job with the fast pacing this kept me entertained with all the energy of the scene! good job
ReplyDeleteThis was very well written! Good Job! I loved how it was short and to the point as it kept me very interested! :)
ReplyDeleteI really like your use of descriptive language. Such a great use of imagery! This made me want to keep reading and wanting more. What a great job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece of writing. In my opinion i felt like there was so many details in your story that i felt like as was actually there.
ReplyDeleteGreat Job Austin! Your piece of literature kept me entertained from start to finish. keep up the good work
ReplyDeleteYour story is so intriguing and I really enjoyed the imagery! It was very descriptive good job Austin! :)
ReplyDeleteVery detailed and fast, good job I like it :D
ReplyDeleteI was confused by what was going on, sort of left clueless just like how your character was clueless or unaware of what was going on around them. I like that! I wonder if you did that on purpose.
ReplyDeleteVery descriptive, some word repetition, but I love that I heard your voice the entire home and knew it was you.
ReplyDeletevery detailed
ReplyDeleteI loved how everything was raw and curt, exemplifying the harshness of the events, especially with the popping and sudden appearance of sight and sound. Overall, great job :)
ReplyDeleteVery creative story, great use of various adjectives and descriptions.
ReplyDeleteThe vivid imagery and fast pace to the story made it really entertaining.
ReplyDeleteAustin! This is well detailed and very easy to imagine! Felt like I was there! Amazing job. It was told from a good perspective and had nice timing.
ReplyDeleteThe suspense was coming up and than you leave me hanging. Great job, very detailed
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very well written; great use of diction and detail which overall enhanced the imagery to an intense level. I definitely did not pause while reading because this piece retained my attention! Congrats!
ReplyDeleteYour piece was great. It had a very interesting plot line and great imagery. The only complaint is that you left me hanging. Nice Job!
ReplyDeleteThis was a intriguing story and you developed the scene quite well with the details and imagery. Not sure if it was intended but I like how the ending was uncertain.
ReplyDelete-Martin Landaeta
The premise of this story is truly unique as it takes place in a futuristic world, I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteGreat imagination and use of imagery.
ReplyDeleteThis was incredibly well written and i absolutely love the concept!
ReplyDeleteThe story have an interesting organization and could be deep if read carefully.
ReplyDeleteThis was very interesting. I liked your vivid imagery and use of language.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very intriguing! I loved all the use of imagery and diction because it set the overall tone of the piece! Well done!
ReplyDelete-Lauren Waitman
Right off the bat, your use of detail and imagery was so strong and it created a wonderful piece of work. go you!
ReplyDeleteIt was very well done, kept me reading till the end. Good Job!
ReplyDeletevery well written story I want more please
ReplyDeleteThis was very detailed! you should write some more:) !
ReplyDeleteIt was so explicit and gave a lot of imagery to the reader.
ReplyDeletethis was a very detailed story that had me going very good
ReplyDelete-Ian Rendon
this was a very good story. there were good details.
ReplyDelete-Garrett Lachase