Christian

In the Darkness before the Dawn

My favorite time of day is the darkest hour. This is my favorite time. Such a peaceful time, where no one is awake besides those crazy teenagers that snuck out to a late night party. Oh, and my dad who leaves to work at this time, he works so hard, I don’t tell him frequently, the air is cooler around this time, inhaling the fresh clean air makes me feel relaxed. You could call me Alexander by the way. I’m not here to bore you with my life story, my teacher just told me to write about anything and this is what comes to mind, plus the song that is playing makes me feel all moody and stuff. Anyways your probably questioning why I enjoy the quiet hour, well hopefully you’ll understand by the end of this little blog thing.

I used to be a fan of mornings, when my family and I would go to the park, how I enjoyed the sun, being out and seeing all the green color pallets from the grass and tall trees. I would enjoy riding my bike and feeling cool enough to ride without training wheels, it was the best feeling ever at that age. Memories I won’t forget, but then suddenly my family stopped going and the park disappeared. There wasn’t any green left to see, the birds wouldn’t sing in the mornings and I became sad. At night in my backyard I could see the old park and I would imagine everything that used to be there and I was at least content with that because you couldn’t see the reality that it didn’t exist anymore. Oh I should tell you when I embarrassed myself one day singing at church for a kid’s Christmas production and everyone made fun of me, yeah people can be really mean sometimes. I hate my days when I see so much cruelty in the world. Every day, people wake up, they start causing new problems every day.  I’ve learned not be fond of people that much because every day an individual does damage to someone. Sometimes I feel like there’s no hope for anyone left in this world, its changed so much. When I read books I see how people were different, it seems like they weren’t as crazy as we are these days, even though my mom says people have always had that sin in them. Oh bless my mom she loves me so much, till this day she treats me like her child that once would cry every time she left me at pre-school.

The beauty of having a dark sky and seeing the stars is a beautiful gift that I have. I don’t need to deal with anyone but myself, many are in their homes, asleep and dreaming about something incredible like being married or having the ability to fly. The evening is my time of refuge, it is my escape from the harshness of a society that seems to be heading in the wrong direction.

In my sessions on Sunday mornings, I always have the same question asked to me, “why the night? It’s not very usual of you not being a fan of the day,” they say the evening should be for sleeping and resting, not living. I guess they don’t understand why I enjoy the dark, especially after what the stranger did to me when I was a chill. The darkest moment of my life had already occurred and every time I think about it, I feel a cold sharp dagger piercing through my heart ripping everything inside of me. It completely made me feel like I had no meaning left, I had a reason to hate God, I was angry that people could have the free will to do whatever they pleased, like what they did to me.

If you’re still reading this you could say I’m pretty crazy for how I think, for what’s happened to me, to why I still insists of loving the dark hour and I completely understand. I will tell you though that this year has been a year of change. After finally opening my heart out, I feel like I was water waiting to be pushed out of a large dam and into the river. I’ve learned to accept my life, forgive the people around me, realize that life throws you obstacles you believe you cannot live with but now I learned that the night was simply an illusion that keeps you bonded, controls yours thoughts. Only now as I see the darkness before the dawn I simply wait and see the sun rise because there may be pain in the night but Joy comes in the morning.  It’s been a hard year for me so far and I had lost hope in everything including school, but I just want to graduate. I didn’t even plan on writing this but it feels good to express myself. To whoever reads this, I apologize for the long blog but I wanted to wait until the last weeks to write this, maybe because I was scared of how I will be looked upon, but now I don’t get scared, because I have the strength to continue with my life.