I'm Sorry.--Ricky

I spent three years of my life in that house. I can’t even call it a house, that place was hell with four walls and a roof. We had been dating for what, two years now? Yes, two years and I was finally ready to come out. The night after I told my parents about us, I was woken up in the middle of the night by four men and a bag over my head. I remember screaming my head off and then I hear my mother. She told me “This is for your own good. You need to be cleansed, you're sick my child” I was so confused, I didn't understand what she meant and then I was hauled away from my home. They threw me in the back of a van and then I felt a sharp pinch on my thigh and then I drifted to sleep. The next time I woke up I was tied to a bed in a room I didn't recognize. I yelled for hours until someone came into the room and told me where I was. He told me I was at a “hospital”. He said that they could cure me of my sickness. And when he said that, I felt chills go across my body because I then knew what was happening. My parents had sent me to that place to cure my love for you. He explained to me that they based everything off of how I reacted to their treatments. They told me my showers, my meals, and activity time was based on my results of the treatments. He then told me that when I reached a certain level of the treatment that I would be allowed to make phone calls. Then he told me that I'd begin my treatment that afternoon. He left me tied to that damned bed, crying. I cried for hours and hours until someone came in and began to untie me from the bed. I kicked and screamed but they just called more people in to hold me down. They cuffed me and lead me out the room and into the hallway, down stairs and then to a white door. They opened it and in there was a steel chair a projector and a chair next to it. They placed me in the chair and as soon as my skin touched the chair chills coursed through my whole body. The hair on the back of my neck and arms stood up straight, I was frightened beyond belief. They strapped my legs and arms to the chair and then placed a strap over my head that held it in place. I stayed in there for a couple minutes, the anxiety inside continued to grow. Then the same horrid man came in and sat in the chair. He simply said that he was going to show my different images on the projector screen and see my reactions to them.. He then began to click through images of men, shirtless men, naked men and even placed videos of men being intimate. I then began to become aroused, naturally, and as soon as that happened he pushed another button and I felt waves of electricity course through my body. The last thing I remembered before passing out was the pain I felt and hearing my hallowed screams. When I awoke again I was strapped to that cold bed and he came in and told me that I wouldn't eat that night because of what had happened. He told me it was disgusting, that I was disgusting and a disgrace and with that, he left. That went on day after day after day. I then began to get to the higher treatment levels and they did things to me that I can't even fathom. I can't tell you what they did to me because it is far too sickening. Then when I finally reached the time to be able to make phone calls, that's when I called you and you came to my rescue shutting down that god awful place. I just want you to know that I love you so much Shane. You mean the absolute world to me. But when we touch sometimes I relive all of that again. I'm sorry that I can't give you everything you deserve. I’m sorry that I’m this broken, incomplete human but you have to believe me it isn't my fault. Trust me I would love nothing more than to make love to you but I just can't right now. You need to understand that Shane. If I even think about you in a sexual way I instantly feel electricity go through my body again. I can't keep going through that. I need more time. I know it's been five years since everything but what they did to me has scared me for the rest of my life. You need to know how so sorry I am that I can't do the things you want to do. I can't give you these things I still need some time. So if you can't handle that then I'm sorry, but you'll need to go. This will have to end. I love you so much. You are the love of my life but I can't keep doing this, I can’t keep seeing the hurt look on your face when I jump away from your affection sometimes. I hate not being able to touch you Shane, and I hate that I can’ finally be able to be fully with you. I hate that i have to say all this but we can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep hurting you and I know you know you can’t keep doing this. I’m so sorry Shane.