First and Last--Amy

From this title, some of you may think if i'm writing about first and last names or numerous subjects that are chosen as the first and last. I've written this because of pain and sorrow through the weeks, i've been through, and weeping at night. My reasoning of my actions will portray the moments I felt and wish to see again. November 11 of 2016, I was playing a video game where characters would battle each others by pressing keys and the usage of a mouse. Within the game was a chat box, where players could interact with their teammates and opponents. As I was playing decent in the game, it would of course would attract players to me, in order for them to win more games. This particular day was when I met him, a player who played competitively and made jokes to make his teammates feel comfortable playing the game. His silliness attracted me, asking weird questions and sarcastic ones. This made me want to play with him more because the game can make people stress and he lifted up my spirits when we played. I added him as a friend and on that day after we played for hours, for weeks. He asked me if I wanted to chat with him and as the person I was before I did not decline. We talked during the game, we laughed at the horrible plays we made. But during that time I was visiting relatives and so we decided to keep in touch through our social media and a texting app. From that texting app, we texted all night about things we liked to things we disliked. That with every text he sent would brighten up my day from saying the first to saying good morning and good night. But stopped until I was tired because he would always decline if he was tired, when I asked, but he was. For many weeks, I did not know where he lived but a time period that was 3 hours ahead. Which meant the night we texted until 4am for me, he stayed up 7am just to talk to me and just to know about each other. Couple of weeks past by, we still kept texting each other late and all day. Until he asked if I was ever in a relationship before, I responded with a no, in which many more weeks passed, he confessed to me and asked to be with him. In my mind, I really didn't think that I would fall head over heels for him and a long distance relationship wouldn’t work but it happened. I fell for him because during that time, I needed someone to support me and lift up my spirits because of the stress and pain from the past. And he was the only one to support me and be there for me every step of the way. With weeks going by, the same things happened over and over again, texting each other at night until late. Throughout that process, we video chatted, played games, created jokes, and sharing memes with each other. But texting each other late didn't turn out well for me when my sibling disowned me and began to bully me when she found out that he loved me. It happened for months but I never told him what happened until I had the guts to. I began to tell him things closer to my heart, complaining, and my secrets because I trusted him so he did the same. He kept me close to his heart and I kept him close to mine because we knew that both of us, actually understood each other when the world was against us. On a day, I won't forget, he made me mad in which he doubted himself and wanted to leave me because of his actions. I became furious and told him that I would leave him

for a week. As you can see, I couldn't, we kept in touch and I began to admire him due to his caring heart. We discontinued the break and kept talking to each other. After 2 months had passed, little things were beginning to change in a bad way. We argued about nonsense things, we became selfish and stubborn but in the end we forgave ourselves. Forgiving was not the key though, because as we apologized, we still have the bad memories in our mind. So then we argued more, until I had enough and broke down, saying things that I did not mean in my heart. I broke down because of his actions, he began to lose interest, making complaints that we couldn't speak, me asking him to be with me but would not give much attention. All this, was not here when he loved me in the beginning. I see love as when you start, it won't ever stop in which both people care for one another. Heartbroken, because he never did those things before. I kept my feelings away from him because as he would give his own opinion it would hurt me more. But even though, i'm hurt, it doesn't matter to me anymore because things he did before made me truly love him. I became jealous because I don't want anyone else to make him happy, I wanted to be the one that makes him happy. As you can see, it’s not gonna happen anymore, things has changed for him and I can not reach to his heart anymore. Where as now our status, to each other, we are just friends. Crying every now and then, knowing that this dream isn't ever going to come true, hurts for a person like me where I want a dream to come true. Sympathy and affection is lost when its lost, caring is also too. As caring is lost, love is gone and happiness along too. Leaving a speck of dust just to be blown away by the face of reality that dreams don't always come true. As I wish, he would understand my pain and my desire for him of becoming my first and wishing him to be my last. From the tears and thoughts that run through my head, that I know I can’t make this mistake again as I watch and ponder at the ceiling above my head.