Monday, March 20, 2017
An Angel And Angel--Blanca
Light skin, curly hair. Her straight A’s can get here anywhere. Lungs clear from the toxins that
kids take in. No sin the light shines from her pearly whites. Everything she does is right. With a
future so bright. Senior year valedictorian has the best past like the perfect historian. Then comes
a boy who is darker than night. Opposites attract so you know it’s only right. Left hand grabs life
by the throat, 16’s are the only things he wrote. Expelled for throwing up signs, slanging drugs,
and making words rhyme. See he cared about money so school was a waste of time. He loves
gold and her heart was no difference would go far enough to catch his fourth offense. So two
weeks later he hops a fence to spot a genius on the roof. Standing on the edge of glory one slip
and she would see the maker and all that's holy. Took lives but this time he was afraid, that if she
jumps she will die. While she thinks if she jumps she will fly. A shout “NO DON’T DO IT”
comes from underneath as the cool Friday breeze flows across her face. The quickest pace he
steps away from the shade into her light. Not only saving him time, but saving her life. The next
morning she is mourning in his arms. Everyone scratching their head the biggest future fell for
the biggest past. Everyone saying they wouldn't last because the tattoos are permanent. Oh how
they were wrong everywhere she went he would string along. Parents didn't agree but they never
said no. If it wasn't for the boy the daughter would be a no show. They would be talking if they
wanted the casket open or closed, but because of him no one knows. From killing beats to track
meets to night of survival to studying the bible he was a changed man. Went from selling grams
to selfies on her Instagram. Started wearing colors more and his hair was combed when he went
to her house the parents said welcome home. College was never an option, but he worked day
and night so he can sweeten up his Sugar Baby. Everything is amazing, All his old homies bag
on him for him taking on his new life. Prom is around the corner and he goes to see his queen try
on dresses, every time she puts one on she impresses. He grabs, he kisses her, and hugs her tight.
See the diamond crown never looks right because the gold in her is too bright. When all is over
they go and get a bite. There is a taco stand two streets down a right. When they are eating a
flash of lights goes off from a sawed off and one body falls. The boy who had nothing and the
girl who had it all. An angel went to heaven and Angel stands weak and sees his angel fall.
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This piece grabbed my attention because of the rhyming. I loved that. The story is so passionate! Good Job i loved it! --Megan T
ReplyDeleteI like how you rhymed the sentences because it helps the story flow. I admire the loved story and the tragic ending because it allowed the readers to catch emotions for the "forbidden love" then the tragic ending allowed the readers to feel the sorrow that the main character faced.
ReplyDelete-Matthew Jimenez
Thanks Matthew I did attempt to get the readers to catch emotions and I appreciate you admire my story!
DeleteI am absolutely terrible at rhyming, so this impressed me beyond belief, great job. Your story telling skills are fantastic. The twist at the end, that I probably should have seen coming, truly caught me by surprise. Awesome Job!
ReplyDeleteThank you Shane a first it was difficult trying to rhyme but after a while it happened to get easier. I'm glad the plot twist caught you be surprise that was my intention for this piece.
Deleteohh my heart. I loved this because it shows how no matter who you are,or what type of situation you are in there will always be someone who can better you. In this short excerpt I already became attached to the characters. Silently hoping to see it end well, just to see it end. Amazing Job.
ReplyDeletefantastic job on this story. It was so well written that I could not take my eyes off the screen. I was so badly hoping for a happy ending, but the way you ended sends an important message. great job.
ReplyDeleteI love how the rhyming and the use of parallelism in the sentences really bring together the two contrasting characters. The use of "Angel" was also very clever. That tragic ending definitely caught me off guard though, so amazing job!
ReplyDeleteBeing able to incorporate rhyming words throughout this piece takes some skill. Also, i loved the idea that this piece was constructed from short fragment sentences to form a beautifully well written story.
ReplyDeleteOhh wow this is such a beautiful story. My heart just dropped when I realized the girl died. I love your use of rhyming couplets throughout the piece. Amazing job!!!
ReplyDeleteThe rhyming was amazing, but the imagery was even better. This piece is so captivating, it was a like a whole romantic novel composed in 21 lines. -Martina Panganiban
ReplyDeleteI loved this piece so much from the rhyming to the boy and the girls relationship. I loved how you portrayed the girl as a "good girl" and the guy as a "bad boy" and how she changed him for the better.The ending is what really got me, I even kinda felt sad for the girl because it seemed like everything was going right for both of them. It was really cute. Amazing job Blanca!
ReplyDeleteOH my god. Wow. This was an amazing piece. The continued rhyming gave the story a nice flow but more importantly, the way you used it to magnify the characters' emotions without directly stating them. Your diction was perfect. It was fantastic and fresh and emotionally trying at the end because in such a short amount of words you've managed to get the reader to root for the couple.
ReplyDeleteThank you I'm glad you it made you root for the couple that was my intention for this piece.
DeleteWow, the rhyming alone was impressive it must've took you forever. I also liked how you tied the title into the story. Overall this piece was amazing and I really enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing!! Beyond amazing because it shows how one person can affect some ones life so greatly and it's amazing this piece perfectly depicts that
ReplyDeleteWow this was amazing I loved how you gave this piece it's on rhythm. It went with the whole story, I could visualize you rapping to this in my head. This felt so raw and uncut I really had a blast reading it.
ReplyDelete-Ruben Becerra
I love how your story rhymed because it added a uniqueness and it allows the story to flow beautifully. I love how there is a constant contrast between characters, emotions, imagery etc. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWowwww, I loveee your piece!! The storyline is so amazing, and the rhythm had me engaged throughout the entire story. Great Job!! -Jessica B.
ReplyDeleteI found the rhyming and parallelism within this story so unique!Your diction was well executed and it kept me wanting to read more. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe rhyme scheme caught my attention right away I loved it. I loved the story line as well and how you showed how love changed someone so bad. The ending was incredible it really got me. I don't think any of us saw that plot twist coming. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThat was beautiful. I loved how you implemented a rhyme scheme and really drew in the reader's attention. That creative way of storytelling is so impressive, and I am honestly at a loss for words. Beautiful job!
ReplyDelete