Killed my hope--Zhichen

 

    The respondent I conducted an interview with was a former UC San Diego undergraduate

student, which the survivors of UCSD shoot accident in 2020. She is the former UCSD

sophomore student — Vivian Lin. After she witnessed the shooting accident, she took a gap of

one year, and then chose to go back to China to future finish her education. Her family has felt

shocked and heartbroken by this accident, but simultaneously Vivian’s mental health received

heavy damage. The reason that I interviewed her is to know how an accident influences people’s

life track. Many people think that those who survive the accident are the luckiest; however, it

turns out that those who survive are the most unlucky. Serious mental scars lead victims to be

tortured by mental trauma for the rest of life, have a mental breakdown, and finally go on the

road to suicide. As a victim of a shooting accident, Vivian claims that she felt the same way, this

trauma haunts her whether she was awake or asleep. She dresses in a black dress and sits on a

brown chair with a dark light in the room. Her eyes are tear-filled. Vivian Lin forcibly grasps her

clothes, tears flowing from her eyes down along her cheeks, with a trembling voice, “ The Pain

of the shooting incident is always tormenting me. It would never let me go.”

    When she first came to the United States, Vivian announced that she had a happy life

with her family. After she comes to the study room, she sits down and starts with a nervous tone,

claiming, “I put a lot of effort into coming to the United States as an international student and

trying my best to go to my dream school, UC San Diego. I have a delighted family with my

parents. I always feel I am the happiest person.” Vivian has a solid relationship with her parents.

She repeats, “ My parents love me very much and very readily support my dream. Therefore, I

think I am a lucky person.” She gladly clasps her hands together in her lap. She expresses that

she is very proud when talking about her family. “ The love from family is the luckiest thing in

my life. It is also one of the reasons that supports me to live.” Then, she takes a deep breath.

    

    “Could you explain how the accident happened?” I asked. “ I remembered I finished my

class and walked along the road to the campus. When I went to the main road to leave school,

then I saw two people drag racing.” Vivan leans slightly forward and quietly mumbles, “ I heard

two louder sounds, and the gun went off. We tried to go back to the teaching building. My

professor brought us into the nearby classroom. Through the window, I saw two men wearing

black cloth and went upstairs with gum. I heard the sound of a broken window.” Vivian leans

back, retakes a deep breath, then sputters, “We locked ourselves in a small and closed storage

room inside the class.” She furrows her eyebrows, squinting her eyes. Finally, she speaks with a

trembling voice, “Staying in the storage room is the most difficult time in my entire life. I have

claustrophobia, and I can not stay in a no window closed room for a long time.” That all

happened too fast, she did not realize that she was in danger. “ We were trying for about a few

minutes to call 911 and then tell them the specific place and the situation,” Vivian speaks with

her head down, profoundly getting lost in thought.

    “How do you feel after the accident?” Next, Vivian detailly explains her colossal life

change after her experience and describes that she never escaped the cycle of the “shooting”

psychological shadow. The atmosphere becomes oppressive. Her lip corners pull down, talks

with a voice crack, “ Actually, it almost changed my life track. After the accident, my mother

quit her job and come to the US to take care of me.” She forced me to leave my dream school

because she thinks San Diego is unsafe.” She looks straight ahead and repeats, “ After I left my

dream school, I thought my life was pointless. Since I left my school, my visa has been canceled

" Vivian’s eyes filled with tears again, and sniffling between words. At last, she states that she

has a beautiful plan for her future, but this shooting accident almost kills most of her dreams with

hope.

    “ If you're afraid to leave the house unless you're armed, you don't need a gun, you need a

psychiatrist.” - Oliver Markus Malloy, Inside The Mind of an Introvert. Vivian states that she

was highly expectant of the future and eventually lost everything. After undergoing significant

life changes, Vivian believes that the shooting incident left deep scars and impacted her life's

path forever. She looks up at the light, and tears well up in her eyes. She waits for a while and

sighs heavily, letting her head drop, and painfully murmurs, “ I would never leave from this

trauma.”