According to a recent study, about 34.8 million children have experienced some sort of childhood trauma from the age 1-17. These studies focus on the topics of loss, emotional or physical abuse and/or neglect. Unfortunately, I’ve been included in that 34.8 million.
October 11, 2005, I was brought into this world by my wonderful mother and a disconnected father. I was born into a happy family which quickly dissolved into a broken one. Along with it came my own personal feelings of brokenness. Soon after I was born, my biological father left his newborn child and the woman whom he had expressed “and till death do us part”. Still wanting to be somewhat a part of my life, my father had gained split custody over me. At the time, I was not aware of what was going on around me and who was at fault, but just went with what I was told. At the age of four, I was forced to go to a home I didn’t feel welcomed in. Living in a home every weekend with eight step siblings and a stepmother that wanted nothing to do with me was hard to take in. I felt like an outcast in a family that was built around me. It was hard for my impressionable younger self to adapt to a different environment than what I’m used to. There were different rules, different punishments and different feelings. Around the age of seven, my father had stopped all contact with me. He continued living his life trying to forget about his first born child. It felt like I was left to fend for myself.
The hardest part has been trying to find someone that understands what I have experienced. Unfortunately, no one will understand my individual tribulations. It's up to me to move on and fight the everlasting demons that follow me day by day. As much as I try to forget all that I have felt, it will never go away. Somehow all the memories come flooding back. These experiences have shaped me into the person I have grown to be. My past does not define me but it’s a big part of me. The feeling of abandonment, manipulation, stress, severe anxiety and low self-esteem have been produced as I turned seventeen. I wasn’t aware of these symptoms before the age of fourteen. Now being seventeen, I have noticed these symptoms showing up in my day to day life. With that being said, I’ve learned to cope with it on my own. Having nobody who completely understands my situation leaves me constantly detached from the help and support I knew was available. Doing so has had a negative impact on my mindset and how I deal with certain situations. Hiding my emotions and not expressing them, made me isolate myself from loved ones.. Isolating myself is what I learned to do to protect myself from an unwelcoming home and family. This character trait has followed me well past my childhood development into my young adult years.
Just last year, around my sixteenth birthday, I had gotten devastating news that my biological father had passed away. Although I hadn’t been in contact with him at all in the years leading up to his death, the news still hit hard. This is because, at heart, I truly had hopes of someday reconnecting for a relationship with him again. During this time, I held my emotions and feelings close to me. I couldn’t trust many people with my feelings or thoughts because of built up trauma alienating myself from those who were close to me. I was broken on the inside, and did not have the courage to express what I'm feeling. The trauma this held on me, tore me down. Holding in these emotions can lead to physical stress on your body. All this stress on my life led to the inevitable burnout that I am now feeling. At the end of year, I felt unmotivated and burned out with everything going on. I was burdening myself with the overwhelming emotions that I kept inside.
Now over a year has passed and I’ve learned that I am worthy and strong enough to get past any obstacles that will be thrown my way. I have learned to trust those whom I know love me dearly and I try to find security in my personal relationships instead of running from them as a whole.
My trauma does not define me and it never will.
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