August 7, 2019 was the very first day I entered high school. Was I nervous? Absolutely. Excited? Actually yes, because I was excited to be one step closer to becoming an adult (which doesn’t sound so appealing anymore). I had decided to take 2 honors classes and upon entering them, in comparison to my college prep classes, I immediately noticed a difference in treatment. My prep classes were interested in learning my name, my favorite color, and what I did over summer break. My honors classes were already discussing how the final exam would be broken up and how we would get there. I quickly noticed that I was held to a completely different standard in my honors classes, and that there was nobody to hold my hand anymore.
I had to make a decision that day: to hold myself to these new standards or to let myself fall back and become what I thought was mediocre. I chose the first option, and from that day forward I went above and beyond with everything I did academically. I focused entirely on my school work to the point that I didn’t have time or desire to do anything else. I put all my eggs in one basket, failing to take up a sport, instrument, or leadership in extracurricular activities. While I did exceptionally well academically, I failed to expand myself in areas of self-discovery and interest.
Each year of high school I took on more and more academically, which I realized in my junior year. I was taking a total of 4 AP classes and one honors class, earning myself a 4.6 GPA by the end of each semester. When I told people about my schedule I would constantly get questions like “Why would you do that to yourself?” “Do you even have time for anything else?” “How do you manage to do that?” Well, I did it to myself because I thought it would make me stand out since I didn’t before. I rarely had time for anything else, and if I did have a weekend free I would use it to catch up on the sleep I missed during the week. I managed to do it by becoming estranged from sleep, constantly having overwhelming stress (fueled by the ironic fact that I am a serial procrastinator), and needing academic validation.
Academic validation came to be the bane of my existence. From that very first day of high school, I based my entire self worth on the letters that would come home on my report cards. I felt like I had to make up for where I lacked in other areas through my academics. I became that kid who was upset for the rest of the day if I did badly on a test, the kid who freaked out if my grade dropped to anything other than an A because if I wasn’t exceptional academically, was I exceptional at all? While my parents were nothing but supportive and loving, I got asked if I was okay if I got a B because that “wasn’t like me.” Part of my need for academic validation stemmed from wanting to make them proud as well, since they were always so ecstatic when my report cards came in.
On that first day of high school, when I made the decision to push myself as hard as I could, I didn’t realize that I would compromise the way I thought of myself and how I measured my happiness. Getting such good grades would put me at the highest of highs, but one mistake and I would plummet to the lowest of lows. I never had the “I did the best that I could” mindset, instead I had the “I should’ve done better” mindset. I understand that this may sound dramatic to some, but it is genuinely how my head has been screwed on for the last 3 and a half years. I’d been so focused working towards getting into a good college that I had no time to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life when I get there.
That very first day of high school shaped my academic habits, my dangerous mindset, my motivation and my goals. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly proud of myself and everything I’ve accomplished, I just wish I was easier on myself and my mind. I often think about what could have been as well. If I had more time in high school would I have had more friends? Would I have learned more about myself? Would I have developed a passion to pursue quicker? I’ll never know. What I do know is that my transition to high school built my motivation, responsibility, and work ethic. I may still have a lot to learn, but that first day of high school set me up for major growth and self reflection, and I can’t wait to see what my future holds.
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