Thursday, May 4, 2017
Untitled--Jordan
It's one of those days where the clouds seem to align in perfect unison, and the sun is
shining bright at high noon. The cool breeze cuts the scorching rays of the sun making it the
ideal atmosphere for outside fun.The laughter of children echo throughout the neighborhood
and their joyful screams can be heard a mile away. The kids are playing basketball, shooting
water guns, and playing hide-and-go-seek. They are taking advantage of this type of weather
that only comes around once a year, and It would seem as though every kid would want to be
outside on this perfect day. Well, every kid except for one in particular. He lived at the end of the
cul de sac; the oldest house on the block. It was the only house that was built with a different
design than others and it was always dark, even in the daytime.
Light peeks through the murky window. The concentration of dust piled high; settled so
eloquently on top of the blinds. The room, dark, empty and saturated with warmth, carries the
sound of a single heartbeat. There is a sniffle, or a cough, maybe even a yawn from time to
time, but never any words spoken. He sits in the corner, reading what seems to be a rather
long, complex novel. So focused on the text, he rarely takes takes time in flipping pages. So
consumed in the storyline, he rarely moves. Pages and pages of information encoded into his
mind, and nothing else seems to be more satisfying for him. He hears the children every day,
and yet has this desire to read his book. He contemplates to himself whether he should be
outside, or stay in his room. He always thinks of himself as an outsider among the group of kids
in the neighborhood, and is conflicted. Drawing different conclusions in his head, he sits up, and
looks down at the children playing. He wonders how much fun he would be having at that
instant. But in doubt he goes back and starts back reading the page where he left on. Alone. In
silence.
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I was always that kid that stayed inside, even lying to my friends that I was grounded so I could stay inside and read, but Nice use of imagery the setting is extremely vivid. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI had to read this a couple of times, and reread over several lines to grasp it all, but I liked that about it. At first it totally reminded me of summer and happiness, but then it totally changed focus of the plot line. Ended on a different tone and note then it started but I liked the contrast.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this piece. It was very well written and your use of diction and imagery was amazing and it drew my attention even more. Great job!!!
ReplyDelete-Kaaria B period 5
This piece reminds me a lot about myself and others. As a kid growing up, I would stay inside and exclude myself from others just to end up doing nothing. But as time progressed, I’ve realized that those times were a mistake and going out was way better.
ReplyDeleteI don't really understand why I liked your story so much, but I did. Your imagery was so vivid but the tone and atmosphere of your story were intriguing. The juxtaposition of the outside and inside both literally and metaphorically was interesting. The confused boy was interesting because we're left with questions about him yet we're left to judge him without really understanding him, and I think that's why your story was so good.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Ivan. I tried to create a story where the setting had more meaning than any of the characters. Hence, the descriptive imagery that I tried to use.
Delete-Jordan Lee
I can relate to this piece so much it is crazy, it took me some time to open and be able to talk to new people. I loved the detailed imagery you used throughout the piece as well!
ReplyDeleteI could really relate to this piece. I really appreciated all of the detail and emotion you put into it. It taught a pretty important life lesson that the world keeps going without you, so get involved.
ReplyDeleteWoww, this piece was amazing! I loved how much imagery and detail it was filled with, I was really able to gather a clear image in my head. Great Piece!!
ReplyDeleteThe detailed imagery in this piece was very well-written and I am impressed by the scenario you established through yours words. Great work!
ReplyDeleteThis is truly relatable,I used to be that, and in some cases still is, well worded and written.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you started your piece with the explanation of the house being different from the others just to end with the boy different from the others. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteI have been both the kid playing outside and the recluse inside and your piece accurately describes both. I really liked how thorough your imagery was. Great job!
ReplyDeletewow i like this a lot! i really felt the creativity pouring out and i was able to picture it in my mind with your descriptive imagery. As a kid i stayed in and read a lot of books too, so reading this made me think about a time where i was curious about playing outside. This piece had a very nostalgic feel and i enjoyed reading it. good job jordan
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Blessing. A lot of this story was actually inspired by my own childhood experiences; how I would try to make it a point to go outside as often as could.
Delete-Jordan Lee
This is very relatablebecause as a kid I knew plenty of kids that were like this. They would always stay inside when the rest of the kids were outside playing in the street riding bikes. One of y closer friends at the time was the kid that would stay inside and I never understood why she would stay inside all of the time. But as years went by I figured out why, she lived in a very toxic environment and that's what kept her inside all those years. But she finally got out and became one of the outside kids. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteFor me this story was a plot twist. I thought it was going to be a scary story.The imagery throughout the story gave me a strong visual of the whole setting. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteI loved the eerie mystery within the piece. The use of light and dark imagery helped in emphasizing the strange child. Toward the end I wish I knew more about the boy and his significance. Well done!(:
ReplyDeleteI love all the detail and imagery you used with the kid to signal out that he was different from everyone. The imagery help set up the difference of this kid with the way you described his house and the atmosphere. Overall, the story was great because the detail and imagery really set the tone of the story and it made it more graphic.
ReplyDelete-Matthew Jimenez
This piece is not really relate able to me I was always the kind of kid who was counting down to summer. One summer I did have this happen to me when I went to go stay at my grandmas house for the summer, I was so attached to the book and I honestly felt that that was an amazing summer for me one that I still remember to this day.
ReplyDeleteJordan, I loved this! I can relate to it a lot as well. I loved every single one of childhood books and I remember being super excited to get a book shelf as a christmas gift one year. Your detailed descriptions were amazing as well, Great job!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Kiara. There were so many times where I would just stay inside to read a book I had just bought, and this is partly where my inspiration came from.
Delete-Jordan Lee
This piece was very relatable. Back in elementary and middle school I would spend hours on end reading books. i used to finish entire series within a week, and just about all my free time was spent reading. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI could relate to this so much and this is what made this piece most moving for me. It was a creative and well written piece! Good job!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love how this piece is built on all of the vivid details! You managed to tell a story almost entirely with imagery and I commend you for that! I was always the kid playing outside but I enjoyed reading about someone who had a different way to spend their time. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteI love the imagery in hear being able to imagine seeing the kids outside as well as i can relate to this because even when it is nice outside and i can go for a swim, i would rather much stay inside and read a book.
ReplyDeleteI still wish more people were readers. I think it makes you into more of a well rounded, tolerant, interesting person overall. Your piece was awesome in the fact that I loved all the imagery and descriptions of everything like even the dust. Also your ending words were chilling. -Vanessa Lai
ReplyDeleteThe way your title corresonds with the story only adds to the juxtaposition of both external and internal through literal and metaphorical ways. Your use of imager y was superb and I understand that many people can relate to the exclusion entailed in the piece. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery through out the story really set everything up for me and I could picture it . This was a great piece Good job !
ReplyDeleteI loved your use of detail and imagery so that I could really see this kid in my mind and I could even feel what he felt. My interpretation of the fact that you choose to title the story untitled is because it can be applied almost universally. This is was great piece good job!
ReplyDeleteThe detail and imagery in your piece was great! I could relate because when I was younger, I used to think I was Mathilda because I loved reading as much as she did.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece. The thorough description and feeling you were able to portray in such a short story was incredible. Overall, this was really well done! Thanks for writing!
ReplyDeleteThis piece is very relatable ! When i was younger i would grab my book at lunch and read under a tree while other kids played handball or tag. Your imagery and description was excellent in helping the story come alive.
ReplyDelete-Brie d.