Thursday, May 4, 2017
Picnics--Michelle
As a guard you hear a lot of interesting stories from the scouts coming from the southern tunnel;
rumours and sightings of hideous clawed, big-eyed monsters with feet of leather or cloth, and
hair of ribbons and snakes seen on the surface in hordes during the day with wooden baskets
filled with mountains of delicious food. Famine usually breeds these types of rumours so many
just laughed it off. So, you’re sitting there as usual on watch. Warming yourself by the fire. And
suddenly you hear it from the tunnel, from somewhere above, a regular dull knocking rings outfirst
in the distance, quietly, and then ever close, and even louder… And suddenly your ears are
struck by a horrible graveyard shriek, and it’s coming closer… And then complete mayhem! That
nightmarish cloth like foot crashes through the top of the city, face to face with a monster.
Everyone jumps up; heaping crates on which they’d been sitting on top of each other to create a
barrier so there’s something to hide behind… to keep that thing out. The most senior among us
shouts with all his might at the top of his lungs, but no one can hear him. Without orders… with
the ground constantly shaking as cloth met earth, chaos was a natural reaction. Thousands of
beady eyes looking in all different direction, with multiple pointed arms or pincers grabbing
whatever they could including any food or eggs, our colony was anything but salvageable. Other
guards or soldiers crawled up the creature's legs biting down acting as a distraction while others
escaped. I, on the other hand, was focused on the scouts’ rumours; if the monsters were real
then the food must be as well. So, climbing out of our remaining hill going in the opposite
direction of the escaping city. I came across two other much larger versions of the creature
currently attacking our home with the fabled basket of food placed carefully between them on
some sort of plush surface. I crawled up hoping to not be seen… if I could just get a piece of
that heavenly product of sugar and preservatives I could leave for the location of our new home
with some good news. I didn’t even notice the lazily flung down cloth shoe coming down until
the familiar crunch and shattering of my exoskeleton. Well, it looks like I won’t have any good
news to bring back, then again it would probably be chalked up to rumour.
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I'm mad at myself because it took me to the end of the piece and a good minute afterword to realize that this was a literal picnic with humans and ants. Very well crafted story. Awesome Job!
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought the story was about a distant group that was being attacked by monsters but when I got to exoskeleton it clicked that it was about ants. Nice use of diction and detail, it creates very vivid imagery in the piece. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI loved this story so much. Granted I barely realized we were ants at the middle but still. You got me to sympathize with an ant... and I felt their terror. I loved it so much, how you introduced a genuine feeling of fear and then turned it into like a crazy hilarious narrative.
ReplyDeleteReading through this a second time was definitely more interesting, very creative. Descriptions and imagery kept me invested. Great job
ReplyDeleteI loved how you used so much imagery and detail to this piece because it is so alive, it made me really think about what you were talking about. Nice! -Lyndsey Ortega
ReplyDeleteYour vivid imagery in the very first sentence had me hooked. I was so confused as to why everyone was grabbing eggs and why the guards were biting the monsters but then I finally made the connection. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI had to read this piece several times to completely understand it, but with every read it got better and better. It was very creative.
ReplyDeleteHaha your work caused quite a laugh, it was a nice take on those little devils.
ReplyDeleteAll of the pictures that went through my head while reading this was so clear. It's cool to read things that can easily make my head see things that my eyes are scanning, and this piece did that for me. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteIt took me a couple reads to find out what you were trying to get at, but i love creative pieces like this!! Thank you for writing and sharing, this rocks!
ReplyDeleteI really loved the imagery in this piece. Great job!!
ReplyDelete-Marlene Gonzalez
This was a very interesting and creative way to explain what happens at a picnic. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very well written piece! I love all the imagery used, Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis is so great! At first I got a very dystopian-ish vibe because of all the details, but then I realized it was literally ants in a picnic lol. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece is really good! Your use of diction and imagery were very helpful in finding out that we were the ants all a long. good job
ReplyDeleteHaha this took me a while to actually understand that this was an ant describing his journey to get some food at a picnic. It was very vivid and creative. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThat was super interesting. I didn't realize that it was ants the first time I read it though haha. But the imagery is super vivid and it's such a creative take on this. I really like how the people were just rumors that the ants had heard of because of course any ant that's seen a human is probably not around anymore. Great job Michelle!!!
ReplyDeleteGlad you found it interesting and creative, I wanted to create a world that was believable yet not obvious, so I'm extremely happy that's what ended up coming across.
DeleteLmao I really like this piece because I actually had to think about it for a minute just to figure out who the speaker was. I love the imagery you used because it made it clear on who the speaker was. Overall, great job on writing this wonderful piece.
ReplyDelete-Matthew Jimenez
Reading through the first half of the story felt like a horror story about a few guards against attacking monsters in the night, but halfway through the story I realized that they were in fact ants near a picnic. Nice job writing this piece!
ReplyDeleteThis was an enjoyable read but I was a little confused at first and what your journey was but it was to get to the picnic good job!!
ReplyDeleteYour vivid use of imagery really adds to this piece! Your writing style is wonderful and pieces the work together very well, great job!
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOSH. Okay so as I was reading this I pictured a lizard monster for some reason, totally forgetting about the title. And then the words "guards" and "soldiers" made me think of a dystopian world where monsters exist, and I was going to talk about how it reminded me of this book called An Ember in the Ashes, and it was only until i read the comments that I realized...they were literally ants. But you created an entire world for them, and it was so amazing and creative and also very funny once I understood, haha. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much, I've never read "An Ember in the Ashes" I'll have to check it out because it seems interesting. The main difficulty I had was describing a person but not actually speaking as if it as a person, regardless I'm glad you like it. :)
DeleteI knew I wasn't crazy haha! I didn't realize we were ants until I reread this one more time but good job
ReplyDeleteI did not even realize we were ants until the end! But great job using vivid imagery and descriptive detail.
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize that this was told from an ant's point of view until the end of the story so I was really confused at first haha, but making the reader have to figure it out made it more interesting and fun to read. You also did a great job of involving a lot of imagery. Good work!
ReplyDeleteYou did a really good job with imagery, and you painted such a vivid picture. I really liked how the piece was so enticing. I just have one question. Was it about ants trying to get food from a picnic basket? Or is it something more sinister?
ReplyDeleteGood Job Michelle! Your piece was very creative and I really enjoyed the imagery you used. It took me a while to figure out you were actually talking about ants,but I really liked your piece.
ReplyDeleteAside from the imagery and style of writing, the most compelling aspect of this piece was the use of "you" as in "you’re sitting there as usual on watch. Warming yourself by the fire". It made me feel more connected to the piece and evoked the same feelings as the character. This was an amazing, self contained fiction writing!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much! I'm glad you caught the reason I used "you" to make the world more believable to connect you to the ants as if they were people, and with the speaker as well.
DeleteI absolutely love how you took the concept of perspective and used it to mess with our heads, I think it really shows how we've become conditioned to automatically assume that any written piece is in the perspective of a human when sometimes, this is not the case. Your use of imagery was also very well utilized to describe this ant's journey. Great Work!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a creative piece, well done!
ReplyDelete-Blanca Landeros
Great use of imagery and detail. I Liked how you described the picnic from an ant's perspective, very original and creative.
ReplyDeleteWow! This was super creative. I love the style of being confused throughout the majority of the work before it finally clicks. Also, your voice and use of point of view was interesting and unique. -Vanessa Lai
ReplyDeleteThis piece is so good! It's very well written and I really enjoyed how it's an actual picnic with ants and humans. Great use of imagery! - Jade B.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very creative piece. I like your use of imagery and diction. You were very descriptive which made this a good read. Great job!
ReplyDeleteDo you think this is how ants feel. DO they cry in the club during picnics. Well you did a great job highlighting the detail, and it was cool how you took the ants perspective. It was rather quirky how this one lone ant was the only real warrior. But I guess animals have feelings too, and we should watch where we sit. Hopefully the other ants find a good home. You used a very professional yet lighthearted to that added to this piece's overall comedic relief, Nice job!.
ReplyDeleteThe piece incorporated vivid visual and sensual imagery that made the readers sit on the edge of their chair. Reading the piece is like watching a horror film, while the topic is upon picnics. Good work!
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a really creative perspective! And, although it's a sad story, it was kind of funny when you realize the narrator is actually a scout ant watching the picnic. Your description skills are really effective, the story is easily pictured, and the story is great. All in all, this is great short read! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete-Christopher Kerwin
Oh I get it ants and humans , I love the viewpoint because I couldn't get this till the end (which means it's a good story). I also like the imagery used because it builds up the real theme of ants at a picnic.
ReplyDelete-sereenah soare
This was awesomely written. With your amazing use of imagery and diction, your piece kept me drawn in trying to figure out where the title came into play, but that wonderful reveal at the end with the word "exoskeleton" is what made it click for me. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOODNESS!!! It took me way longer than it should have to realize that this was written from an ants perspective! I really enjoyed that you chose to do this from such a unique point-of-view. Your piece was very creative and I laughed so much after I realized it was an ant speaking because I never really thought about what ants thought of humans.Awesome job!
ReplyDelete-Bryanna Torres
Very creative and vivid piece. Excellent work. My sense of fear was amplified by the confusion I felt in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteAt first, the imagery used throughout your piece helped me picture what was happening and then I had to paint another mental picture after I realized the perspective in which the story was occurring. Great piece!
ReplyDeleteYour use of imagery and description really made this story so enjoyable to read I loved it great job!
ReplyDelete