Goodbyes--Peyton

The pain of loss is one I have yet to overcome. Temporary separation is manageable, even your death would be easier to deal with. The vision of you leaving stains my memories. Out the door, down the street, never to to return. Life was like rainbows and butterflies, which quickly turned to gloom and vultures, ready to feast on all the happy memories I had, ruining them for years to come. I never truly realized how much I hate goodbyes until you were gone. You’re no longer in sight yet always in mind. I hate that feeling, everyone knows the one. It is all a bliss and blur of smiles until their hand is no longer in yours and the loneliness slowly takes its shape. I used to think that goodbyes were just a preamble for the upcoming hello, until you left. Hours feel like days and with each one comes new faces but the only one I wish to see is yours. The vision of your face is always tucked in the back of my mind and I can hear your voice telling me to “rock this out” the way you have told me to millions of times before. I can feel your energy and every so often I smile at the thought of you making me dinner with the wrong recipes like you always do. You were here. You were with me. You told me you  were proud of me then kissed my forehead and sent off, glancing behind you to catch a last glimpse, I can still feel your stares. Why didn’t I just turn around, run to you, and ride off into the sunset like I should have? I just stood there, eyes forward, my mind blank. You told me you love, and I love you still, as I always will. You always told me you loved me every day since the beginning. But now it’s been months and I haven’t even received a hello. I just can’t shake this sick feeling, I pray those feelings will someday change. You say they never will but I am thousands of miles away and our minds are constantly playing tricks on us. What if your affection for me is a trick and the distance between us will be the big reveal, the time where you learn more about yourself than I will on my adventure? You didn’t want to leave. You asked me to go with you, explore the city, then come back so the goodbye would’ve followed after a day of memories. But I couldn’t, so you respected that and left. I continued on not aware of the pain you’d leave me with. But is it really your fault? Or am I torturing myself reminiscing of your presence? The best part was that you are always so respectful towards me. You never let me get angry, you always know how to bring the light into the world. The constant hugs and compassion, nothing can replace the feeling. Your voice is my paradise, with every word you say I fall deeper and deeper under your spell. You’re soul is addictive, but now that I am without you I can only think about being with you. I am free but I don’t want to be. I want to go back to you saying goodbye. I want to rewind to the moment your eyes shined while staring into mine, when you told me you love me, when you told me you were proud of me, when you told me to “rock it out,” I want to go back and never let you leave. I want to go with you around the city and get the goodbye I now dream of. I am stuck thinking about you flying home, spending every day in routine, going through the motions without me by your side. I am here but you are there. My heart will never change as it never has, but the mind is clay, being reshaped and molded. I hope you stay strong, and I’ll try my best to be strong as well. This parting was difficult but it helped me grow. I’m not the kid you met, I’m the woman you’ll never know.  But you are always with me as I am with you and I will count down the days until I am in your arms again.