Mere Thirty Seconds--Meghan

It was lost. That simplistic idea of perfection just shattered in a mere thirty seconds of a realization to reality. You would have thought this year to be the best year of your life, or maybe I just have that mindset at the beginning of every year, however this year it was different, utterly different. It had begun with a little girls mind of finding love, something she had thought she’d seen between her parents…her idea of true love. Every girls fantasy, true love. Are those words even real anymore, I met the boy of my dreams and it felt like a fairytale, but the thing is it was a broken fairytale. I never saw him more than twice a week and eventually that became only once a week which soon led to once every two weeks. He claimed he loved me, he showed me affection, I showed him all my scars and fears that built up the wall that he had so easily broken down, in a mere thirty seconds it fell. My wall that is, then soon came my confidence and personality, it all seemed to meld into one huge mess something like a puddle, a puddle I would have jumped over any other day for any other person besides him. He was the root. The cause of my trepidation and unknowing. I had not experienced what had seemed like “love” to me before and I felt as though no one could ever love me the same. Then it hit. My parents relationship soon collapsed as did mine, but I would not let anyone know that. I tried to keep it afloat and he just acted like he was floating on a raft. Using me for everything, “can you drive me here”, “oh I will pay you back”, “come on I really need this” and me trying to fix what was breaking at the same time. I did what he asked when he asked so I would not be questioned. It was love wasn’t it? In a mere thirty seconds I saw my dad leave and my mom sobbing her way to a bottle filled with her lost hope and her same view of “love”. Had we both not known what true happiness was or let alone the hidden word true love. Finally, after seeing my mother break down day after day and take beating after beating I built up some courage, not much but enough for a mere thirty seconds of taking a stance in my life. I told him I had to leave. He pleaded with me “no baby you can’t go, not like this, I need you, you need me” those last words staining his lips, “you need me”, I felt broken because in all honesty I felt as though I did. I was nothing without him and never will be. So I stayed, you would think that things could have changed right then and there. That I got a mind for my own but oh I didn’t. That was until a mere thirty seconds after. Nights and nights of crying and screaming my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. I went to counseling, therapy anything that would be a distraction of something that would take away the pain. I asked him to join, but of course he declined saying “we are okay, stop acting like we have a problem” making me feel like the crazy one. Then it turned he came to see me, he began to call me beautiful all the time. My confidence began to rise up from the ashes and I felt as though I beat my monster. My mom saw this “happiness” and asked where it had come from not believeing the man I calimed I loved had given it to me. Then it hit. Yes, it hit again but not with my mother but with the “man of my dreams”, he left. After all that supposedly happiness he just left. Left like nothing had happened between us and like I had not exsisted. I went into a sort of pain that I had not experienced, my friends would see if I was okay and ask me to go out and I would simply decline the invitation for the fear that it might bring another story of “true love” into my life. After a couple months of the same routine I hit my break, never feeling so low in my life I gave up. I gave up on the idea of perfection and true love for those words had no longer exsisted in my vocabulary and to be quiet honest I did not need them. I need words that will bring me to my senses and until that day comes I will be sitting a re run of my mere thirty seconds.