Monday, February 29, 2016
Cold Winter Nights--Devyn
It’s a stormy friday night and my parents decide to go out and have a date night, leaving
me alone in the house. “Don’t worry honey you’ll be fine” mom says soothingly. I ask what time
they will be home but get no response instead my dad says jokingly “Don’t wait up sport, and
keep the dogs inside they will protect you from any danger, if intruders come in they will lick
them to death”. I try not to freak out when they leave me behind in a hauntingly empty house so I
try to drown out any fears by watching my favorite TV show. However, I can't shake off this
unsettling feeling that someone, somewhere is watching me. Deciding it is just my imagination, I
carry on about my business, until suddenly my dogs start barking uncontrollably at the back
door. I start to question “Stupid dogs they scared the life out of me, why do they get so freaked
out about rain and lightning?” so I let them out. They stop barking, feeling relieved I went
upstairs and start reading a book then all of a sudden the power goes out. “What the heck just
happened?” I asked myself when suddenly I hear the front door get kicked down. “Oh crap!
there’s people trying to break in!” my fight or flight instincts kick in and I sprint into my closet
and crawl up into a ball and pray they don’t find me. I soon realize in my cowardly attempt to
hide I forgot my cell phone on my desk, “Well there goes my only chance of survival, if only I
kept the dogs inside, they would have scared them away by now.” . They rummage through my
entire house and eventually reach my room. I try to shorten my breath hoping they won’t hear me
or check the closet. I hear footsteps nearing the closet where I took refuge in, and just when I
thought things couldn’t get any worse my cell phone rings. “Just leave it we cleared out all the
valuables anyways, time to go.” I hear them say. “Hold on, I just want to check the closet here
for anything we might have missed” says one of the intruders. “Fine, hurry up” the other one
says, the footsteps continue on. Well if this is the end, I might as well go out fighting. “If they’re
gonna take me out I’ll be sure as heck to take one of them down with me”. The intruder puts his
hand on the door knob, “Okay here we go on three, 1, 2, 3.”
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Interesting character, I'd enjoy learning a little more about them. Are they dead? Carrying on, cute story with great dialogue and flow. I give a round of applause for you :)
ReplyDeleteAhh! This is seriously my worst nightmare. Even knowing this though, I still want to read more. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Marissa Putrick
Love that the character decided to fight at the end , I'm intrigued to know how this ends! Good Job!
ReplyDeleteAGH! loved this flash fiction, in my opinion some can get dragged out, but this was perfect! Short, thrilling, and just enough for us wanting more.
ReplyDeleteThe story went very nicely and proceeded very quickly. I enjoyed the cliffhanger at the very end.
ReplyDeleteWow! I enjoyed reading it, this piece is so interesting. I wonder what would happen after he opened the door. Good Job!
ReplyDelete-Sirikanya boonyanant
Wow, how dare you Palma! Leaving me here with a cliff hanger!! Anyways your story was intense and I loved it! I really enjoyed the fact that your character wasn't the typical helpless damsel in distress, she, I am assuming, was brave and was a fighter and relatable in the sense of freaking out about every noise you hear when you are alone. Great story.
ReplyDeleteWow! Such a great story! I love how you left us hanging and also left us to imagine what happened next.
ReplyDeleteAwesome short story! I'm very interested in what happens next. Nice cliffhanger!
ReplyDelete~ Gregory Gomez
Intriguing! What an interesting story. It was quick, but I truly enjoyed the cliffhanger at the end. Wonderful job!
ReplyDelete-Jerelle Medina, Period 3
I really liked how the intense scenery was created from the start and the form it built the suspense of the piece, allowing the audience to imagine the worst throughout the piece specially in the end.
ReplyDeleteThat was cool but not cool, you left us at the best cliff hanger ever. That was a very realistic situation in which there is only so much you can do to protect yourself. good job
ReplyDeleteI really like how the story could actually happen to a kid in real life great job
ReplyDeleteI think you just described the nightmares of every person who was ever left alone in the house! There wasn't a point in your piece where I wasn't on the edge of my seat, wanting to find out where the plot would take me. The internal thoughts of the main character were quite riveting as they added to the chilling and utterly suspenseful tone. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Pavia Omolewa
I like how in the end you left the reader wondering what happened did fight and win or lose and get killed or take n away very good!
ReplyDeleteNice cliff hanger at the end! The imagery you used to describe the setting really lended to the feeling of uneasiness. Good job!
ReplyDeleteIt's great how you left us hanging there! Im very interested on what is going to happen next.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great story, I like how you left the cliff hanger at the end it really makes me wonder what will happen next and if the girl will make it out safely. Nice job :)
ReplyDelete-Kathlyn Juarez
You know you are exemplifying good qualities of a writer when your readers feel obligated to find out what happens after the story. Great job building suspense and great piece.
ReplyDelete-Nahome Woldearegay
Well how long am I going to have to wait for book number two??? Great job pulling in the reader to the scene! -Luke Riddington
ReplyDeleteMAAANNNN, this had me at the edge of my seat as soon as i read the title. the story was short, but interesting and straight to the point. the cliffhanger at the end was a nice touch as well. great job!!
ReplyDeletesuch a great read. Lots of suspense and it kept me hooked.
ReplyDeleteso relatable. thats exactly how i feel when im home alone. loved the ending. great work Gina.
ReplyDeleteas said i like the cliff hanger very much. your use of imagery was very well used. great piece
ReplyDeleteThe imagery helped set the scenery really well and the character was really interesting and his actions kept me engaged throughout.
ReplyDelete-Jeremiah Eugenio
Oh my gosh. No, I hate being home alone. I was mad when they got into the closet and was like no that's dumb but I know if I was put into that situation I would hide, cry, and pray they go away so I guess i'm dumb too. Haha I love the cliffhanger ending that lets the reader's imagination run wild.
ReplyDeleteLOL great cliffhanger! I'm glad I read this. I would love to see more details, but the ending was so nail-biting and exciting I forgot about the detail. Good way to reel the audience in!
ReplyDeleteWOAHHH, I WISH IT WENT ON LONGER, but that's exactly what you were going for. Great suspense.
ReplyDelete