As
Jeremy Atlas ran the school track, he watched with lonely and pathetic envy as
groups of friends walked by, looking back at him with a grin and snicker. He
didn’t have any friends. All of his
fiends started hating him at the same time, for reasons he didn't even know. If
that wasn’t bad enough, his grades in school started falling right at the cut
off. This progress report would be sent to a school looking at him for a
scholarship, but if he didn’t have a 3.6 GPA or better, he wouldn’t be admitted.
His family life wasn’t any better. His dad had left, his mom was busy or with
her boyfriend, and his older brother and sister found him a brat and fun to
irritate. In one month, his life turned from good to awful, worse than it has
ever been in his life. He started gaining weight, from attempting to eat away
his problems. Walking in the dirt, he wondered what he could possibly do to
turn this whole mess around. He felt like wallowing in the dirt forever, it
seemed better than facing his problems. The one thing that could make his life
bearable is Jessica, the most amazing girl in the world. If she said yes to him
then everything that has happened to him wouldn't seem so bad. After P.E., he
would go and ask her out. He continued to walk, when someone threw a stone at
his head. He tripped and fell, scrapping his knees, and slammed flat on his
face. He got up, brushed the dirt off himself, and turned to see who threw the
rock at him. It was Zachary Smith, his old friend. His anger grew to a
dangerous point, but he held his cool. After P.E, he walked to his chemistry
class, where he met with Jessica. He, secluded her from the other people to ask
her. "What's up, Jem?" Jessica asked, curious to the reason he
brought her over here. "So ummmm, would you…want to….go out with me?"
She burst into laughter, thinking his question was a mere joke. At the
realization of what he meant, she stopped immediately, and looked pale.
"Oh…..". Long silence echoed through the hall. Everyone around him
seemed to notice what had just happened. " I'm sorry, but there is no way
I would ever go out with you" she said bluntly and squeamishly. She walked
away with a fast pace, leaving him the center of attention. Heartbroken,
embarrassed beyond belief, he sat there sad and angry. Suddenly, he felt a
stabbing sensation. His eyes went small,
his mouth started to foam, and he started to twitch. With incredible speed, he
raced through the hallway and caught up to Jessica. Everyone ran, screaming. He
picked her up by the throat, and stared into her eyes, seeing his almost
demonic reflection. She struggled in vain to escape his grip. He blacked out.
He woke up in the hallway, surrounded by rubble and flames.
I enjoyed this piece because it forces us to make conclusions about what happened after Jeremy grabbed Jessica by the throat, with a demonic expression on his face. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteGreat Story, it was kind of sad at the beginning but the ending definitely took a turn. Good Job
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused about the title of the piece, until I got to the end. Writing about how Jeremy needed to be responsible and keep up his grades and then making him into a demonic monster definitely added to the shock value. This piece reminds me of one of those videos where the scary demon face pops up at the end and gives the spectator a mini heart attack. If that was your goal, mIssion accomplished.
ReplyDeleteThe definition for bedeviled is humiliated and embarrassed, but the second meaning is possessed, so I thought the name would be perfect for what I wrote. I hope that clears things up. Thanks for the comment ;)
DeleteInteresting story. I really liked how you gave us a really detailed description of Jeremy's background. The ending left me in shock. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYour diction and descriptions were on point, and this piece made me think about how just a simple sentence, depending on it's word choice especially, can hurt people more than we might realize. Good job!
ReplyDeleteNice story, I must admit I was shocked at the turn of events, and you left a nice cliffhanger at the end, nice job!
ReplyDeleteVery good story! I liked how you left it too how me have to make our conclusion about the story and the characters.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the way you described things about Jeremy. Good job!
ReplyDeleteGreat piece, nice on leaving a cliffhanger. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI was not expecting the ending whatsoever but that's what made this story so great. The beginning had me feeling some type of way for him but kids are cruel. Good job
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting story. Overall, good job.
ReplyDelete-Jerico M. G. Franco
What a plot twist! Good job, I was really entertained and I feel many kids could relate to some aspects of this story.
ReplyDeleteGreat story with a really good, but surprising plot twist. Nice one!
ReplyDeleteSuch powerful use of diction and an amazing turn in the middle of you piece, it moved me greatly
ReplyDeleteI love the detail of the piece! It really made me think as I was reading it. You did a great job!
ReplyDeletePoor Jeremy Atlas! Your story is very descriptive and I really like the plot twist like does he have superpowers or what????
ReplyDeleteWow this piece really had me thinking she would say yes and then the abrupt plot twist really got me! great job
ReplyDeleteGreat story! The ending left me wanting more! I love your use of detail and word choice.
ReplyDeletenice story good job on the twist at the end
ReplyDeleteI want more Jonathan! I loved how the events turned at the end, and I really enjoyed how you gave the view point of the victim. Even though I'm a girl, I know that its hard to talk to the person you like, and I feel like you really put in the right kinds of descriptions in this story. Great job.
ReplyDeleteIt was a great story a boy's life went from good to terrible. Great story!
ReplyDeleteWow!! I'll be honest, I can usually tell which pieces are written by seniors and which are written by freshmen, because four years is a lifetime in terms of writing development. But this piece surprised me! I thought it was written by a senior until I saw the tags! Your writing is at an amazing level, especially considering your age. My favorite elements of the story were the dialogue, which was more natural and had better flow than dialogue I've read in published novels, and the flaws in your characters, because I think this is another downfall of writers, they're afraid or don't know how to create flaws without creating hated characters. Overall, brilliant job! I would love to read more, and seriously think you should consider self-publishing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, that's very encouraging. I don't write much, but I do enjoy writing fictional peices. I wasn't sure if I would be good enough to actually make something out of it, but you make me think I just might. Thank you again for your comment.
DeleteReally great story! It captured my attention and the end has me filled with so many possibilities. Great job!
ReplyDeletevery interesting aha love the descriptions and that cliffhanger!
ReplyDeleteThis was awesome! I really enjoyed reading this, and your word choice and structure really foreshadowed something big...and I was right! I knew something bad was coming, and when it did, I was fascinated. I was a little confused about the flames part, but that only left me wanting to find out more. Well done!
ReplyDeletewhat just happened. it started off like oh that poor kid then turned into a interestingly brutal act of rage. I enjoyed this because it had an interesting plot and was well written. Also I so glad you proof read, either that or you just write really well. Good job Jonathan.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, just a great piece!! It's absolutely amazing although the beginning was sad how his life turned to good to awful and the way he was treated. I like the part where he got her by the throat and said "stared into her eyes, seeing his almost demonic reflection" because the way you describe it as a demon. The ending made me want to have more and more! like what happened??!! GOOD JOB
ReplyDeleteHmm.. Well, you took me in for a roller coaster ride. At first I thiught that this was just another high school story of the social outcast but nope, you had to add the supernatural. Well done by the way. Haha. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing your work.
ReplyDeleteAwesome story. I got a little creeped out at the end with the images going in my head. When I saw the last sentence of your story I wanted to know what happened next. Why did he wake up in flames?
ReplyDeleteWow. What an unexpected ending. I really enjoyed the way you interpreted high school unrequited love.
ReplyDeleteThis story is awesome! You immediately drew me in and although the sentences were simply put, they held a lot of impact and well chosen words. The ending of the story took me by surprise and now Im curious to know what will happen next. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteWhat was that ending. You can't just end it there. That's, like, unlawful. Are you hiding the rest of the piece behind some hidden code? (But cliffhangers are awesome; I encourage you to end everything with them and make your readers mad *thumbs up*)
ReplyDeleteThis was honestly so so great. Your writing style is superb; I may not know you well, but any reader could tell that you're writing in your voice, your form of art. Actually, I see myself in your author side—your voice isn't far from mine when I was a freshman.
Several tips: play with punctuation. Oh my gosh, I cannot tell you how great punctuations are. You can create tension with a simple semi-colon; and then let all that tension out by using a very, very, very excessive number of commas. Also, listen to the rhythm of your sentences; how rushed are the words? How slow are they? They can help add an overall effect to the mood, and it heightens the complexity of your style.
This was a really good piece. I can see you a loooooooong way from now. Ever thought of becoming a writer?
This piece was great and had an unexpectable twist at the end though overall Great Story!
ReplyDeleteWay to twist an ending! did not see that one coming. I thought it'd be one of those bullying pieces (where the boy hangs himself and everyone feels bad afterwards.) Very interesting!
ReplyDeleteSTOP!!! Wait just one second. DID HE GO TO HEL- wait, I"m not aloud to say that here, huh? Anyway, awesome story man. Did not expect that at the end. :)
ReplyDeleteNice twist and ending i really liked it great job 8/10
ReplyDeleteI hate when things turn! But great job with a nice ending I wanted more!
ReplyDeleteGood use of detail and desorption to set up the characters background and add interestS What a cliffhanger! Really cool piece I wasn't expecting everything to escalate so quickly! Good work
ReplyDeleteI really like the twist in events and the emotional level of this piec great job
ReplyDeleteJonathan, I really liked how you opened up the story and gave lots of background information in order to inform the reader about what was happening. I was definitely shocked by the ending, but it was a very interesting read. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThat was a fiery ending ... haha... Great job on the imagery and detailed descriptions. I felt as if I was actually sharing a memory of someone else. A dark twist is perfect to keep things fresh for the readers!
ReplyDeleteGood use of imagery shows your experience with writing. And very interesting and attention grabbing throughout. Great work.
ReplyDeletegosh i hate cliff hangers:L but great descriptions and imagery on almost every scene!
ReplyDeleteThe ending really caught me off guard but overall this was a creative and unique piece, great job!
ReplyDeleteoh my goshhhhhhhhhh ! oh my gahhh ! this was the greatest thing ever ! I honestly felt like I was reading scenes from a movie; like I literally saw every sentence played in my head. This was great. The story line was perf, the diction was perf, and obviously the imagery was on point. You did a great job!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'm glad you liked it. I guess I never really knew that I was good until I started to read these comments. I'm debating to make a sequel, but not sure if that would ruin peoples expectations. Thanks again for the comment.
DeleteHey man that was a great story. I really loved the descriptiveness of Jeremy's background which provided us as a reader a perspective as to where the story started. The ending was crazy. But overall great job!:)
ReplyDeleteThat was so unexpected but it was so interesting! I definitely want to see where the story goes :) good job!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great story . Loved the twist at the end !
ReplyDeleteThis is so sad and mouth dropping. It's crazy as I was reading through the story, forgetting the title, I didn't realize at what point he turned demonic.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was sooooo great!! it kept me on the edge of my chair the whole time I was reading. it The end was unexpected you wrote this very nicely!! ~Isabella Torres
ReplyDeletegood job dude! super create and was leaving me wanting more
ReplyDelete