What is a man?--Dylan

 

“You two are growing up, and I must shape you into men”, is a phrase my dad says to my brother and I often. As the words leave his mouth, the world stops and the word “men” slowly eats away at my consciousness until it feels like I am gonna be sick. Why does the idea of becoming a man scare me? I am comfortable in my identity of being a male, so why does it cause me so much grief? Maybe the problem is I don’t want to be what my dad thinks a man is. This leads me to the question, What is a man? 

    What a man is can be described in many different ways, but let us start with the definition from Merriam-Webster’s dictionary: “one possessing in high degree the qualities considered distinctive of manhood (such as courage, strength, and vigor).” As alluded to by the definition, the societal idea of a man is typically portrayed as high-strung, courageous, strong, aggressive, and not showing emotion. Lots of issues stem from this toxic characterization of what a man is, encouraging possibly abusive behaviors as well as a lack of emotional maturity. There are benefits in encouraging others to be strong and courageous, but I think a man should be more. I think part of my struggle in truly identifying with the societal definition of what a man is probably stems from the fact I am not traditionally “manly.” Growing up queer, I didn’t have many role models that weren’t explicitly feminine in the media, so that's what I thought I had to be. So for a good portion of my early teens, I chased after the idea that I had to be hyper-feminine with make-up and flashy extravagant outfits, but something was always missing. Although I learned how to be confident in myself and my sexuality, I still thought of myself as a guy but felt I lacked a connection to that aspect of my identity. Part of my apathy towards manhood stems from the fact my dad scared me a lot when I was growing up because he was typically aggressive and loud. I craved to understand what I had to do to be a man but the one male role model I had I lived in fear of becoming, so I tried to avoid the concept altogether. Despite my fear, I still wanted to learn what a man was. In my search for male companions, I made and lost friends, but I did learn something along the way. Being different doesn't make me not a man. And finally being accepted by my male peers helped me realize that. I learned that balance is required to live authentically. I did not need to swear off femininity to be a man. Every man is different, and for me, I just happened to be a guy who was emotional and occasionally flamboyant, but that didn’t have to be a bad thing. Although it felt great to finally be seen, I was still unsure of what I thought a man should be. 

    The funny thing is…I think I knew all along what a man was, but where I learned it from is not where you’d think. I think a man should be courageous, but knows there is a time and place for vulnerability. A man should try to help others with love and care. A man should be a pillar of strength but know when to ask for help. A man is protective of the ones he loves, but not controlling. But these were all lessons I learned from my mom. She treated us with respect to lead by example for how we should speak and treat others. She wasn’t scared to sit us down and talk about things like racism and sexism because to be better men we had to understand the world around us so we could act in a way that was considerate of others. I think my initial reaction to my dad’s statement is that it added to the doubt that I wasn’t manly enough to be a man. It made me feel like something was wrong with me and I still had to be fixed before I went into the adult world. But I think I am finally satisfied with myself and my journey into manhood, and I am finally ready to be a man.