The Rancho Cucamonga Cross Country 2 miler is our first race of the season. It takes place in early August. The race began at 7. The sun was slowly beginning to set, and the heat was less abrasive than it had previously been throughout the day. We had been warming up for about 30 minutes. The entire day I had felt full of emotions I could not put my figure on. I had experienced races hundreds of times before, so I was aware that the emotions I was experiencing were not due to that. The fear, nausea, the mental gymnastics I was doing, were all things I had to deal with to prepare myself for the suffering I was going to put my body through. As weird as it sounds, it’s all part of the Cross Country experience. As I felt the nerves of the race set in, I continued to warm up on the freshly trimmed grass, completely lost in my anxious thoughts. I heard my sister say “Just give it your best effort, this is supposed to be the fun part.” For some reason that simple phrase caused me to tear up, as I realized the reason I had been so emotional the entire day was because I realized I would never get this experience back. The four years of three-hour practices, dry-heaving on the track, crying because I didn’t PR like I had expected to, laughing with my teammates, pushing my body past every single limit were almost over. Some of these memories I’m grateful are over, but others I am desperate to experience again.
The word bittersweet is defined as “especially: pleasure accompanied by suffering or regret.” Throughout the past couple of months, I have begun to truly ponder the concept of the word “bittersweet.” `It is the only term that can accurately describe the feelings I have been having as a senior. My entire life, I have always known I was going away for college. I have always told myself I would not be attending any Cal State schools or any UCs. This is for a myriad of reasons, but mostly because I decided I wanted to see the world outside of California. This has come with the realization that I may never permanently come back to California. That being said, these next 10 months are going to be full of complicated emotions, most of which will be bittersweet. I believe that the feeling of bittersweetness is part of the human experience, and exists because we are capable of such complex emotions. Bittersweetness is the reaction to the love and enjoyment that we can have as individuals and the response to the pain of the human experience. With enjoyment and happiness, there will always be a tradeoff. With every experience, there is always a pain of knowing that experience will never happen again. That being said, bittersweetness is often perceived as negative. Many people, including myself, desire to label experiences as entirely bad or good. That relationship was “perfect”, that friendship was “toxic”, and that movie was “bad”. Though it is possible to have experiences that are inherently just one feeling, the concept of seeing experiences as just one emotion is not how we should be living. With a feeling such as bittersweetness, we are opening ourselves up to significantly more beautiful experiences. By accepting that life has sweet moments, but also heartbreaking ones, we are opening ourselves up to a more vibrant human experience.
Works Cited:
“Bittersweet Definition & Meaning.” Merriam-Webster, Merriam-Webster, www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bittersweet. Accessed 19 Oct. 2023.
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