It was a hot summer day, blue skies, birds chopping in the trees, freeways filled with loud, noisy
cars. Today was the first time, I was gonna be able to experience the fun-filled adrenaline of an
amusement park. Driving to the amusement park, my stomach had become filled with great zeal
and anticipation. How would the roller coaster be? I asked myself. We then arrived and heard
the clanking of the moving rides and screams of people on them. I was excited but apart of me
was a little scared as I could feel myself breathing exceptionally fast. At the line of entry, I had
seen this beautiful girl at the front of the line. She had beautiful, long, silky black hair with nice
honey, caramel skin. Oh was she beautiful! I then entered the park and looked for the park map.
I noticed that this day, the amusement park had opened up a new ride. To get over my
anxiousness of riding roller coasters, I chose to get on this one. Surprisingly, she was in line to
get on the ride. In the line, you could hear the other passengers speak of the thrill and suspense
they had experienced on the ride. After waiting in line, it was my turn to get on the ride and the
girl didn’t have anyone riding with her as well so we sat together. I then proceeded to introduce
myself to her and told her how beautiful she looked. She just laughed it off and said her name
was Alex. The amusement park worker came by to make sure we were strapped in. In this
moment, I started to feel butterflies in my stomach. It was time to take off. “ Hello riders, Prepare
to be thrilled on Cyclone’s Plunge! 3, 2, 1 GO!.” The ride was beginning, the seat we were in
starting to incline higher and higher. You could feel the hot sun blazing upon our faces “ Clank,
Clank”. The sound of the roller coaster brought a rush of concern . This lasted for an eternity it
seemed like, my nerves becoming worse and worse. Looking over, you could see the whole
city, everything so small. Alex looked over and saw that I was scared. We then got to the top
and the ride had stopped. Alex then leaned over and as soon as she leaned in to kiss me on the
cheek, “ Attention riders, this coaster has experienced a malfunction”. At this moment, I didn’t
know how to feel. I thought to myself, should I be scared or excited that this beautiful girl had
just tried to kiss me. “ Attention Riders, The ride is now working.” Dramatically, the ride took off
and as we were about to experience the drop our cart broke loose from the track. We were
about to experience the end of life,when suddenly I awoke screaming “AWE!”. I laid in bed,
blinking, heart-beating fast trying to calm myself down when my mom came running into the
room. She asked what was wrong but I told her nothing. She then said , “ Okay, well get ready
today we are going to the new amusement park.” As I lay there, I thought to myself, “ Oh Hell
No.”
Your piece is very entertaining and it definitely made me smile. I love how you combined both your story about the roller coaster and your story about the girl to create the overall story. It also has a little bit of a twist at the end, which I enjoyed. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Alexis Rosenzweig
This was a very interesting and honestly funny piece! You did a great job in painting the scene and telling your story. I also didn't see such a dramatic and funny twist coming at the end. Overall, great job! -- Cristian Herrera
ReplyDeleteWhen reading the piece you feel like you are part of the ride with the writer. For anyone that has been on a roller coaster before the details are very in depth and strong helping the reader to imagine the writers emotions and even feel them themselves. The piece inclines and hits its beaks that the top of the roller coasters as they are about the get a kiss and the climaxes again when he wake sup from his dream. Overall the writing was very well constructed.
ReplyDeleteThis was amusing. This honesty made me smile. I liked how to combined to things that usually give people butterfies in their stomach,girls/boys and roller coasters.- Kyra perry
ReplyDeleteI liked how you used imagery to describe the story and made the story funny. The twist at the end was great.-Katryna Kerth
ReplyDeleteI like how the rollercoaster represented the suspenseful buildup of the plot, climax, and falling action of the love story. And, the twist at the end was very funny! Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece, it was funny not knowing it was a dream until the very end. - Christian O
ReplyDeleteThis story was super funny. I was laughing from the beginning to the end. I really enjoyed the imagery you put throughout the story because I was able to visualize what you were saying. - Isabella Nakafu
ReplyDeleteThis piece had a great comedic side. It was funny especially the ending. I was not expecting that. Your imagery was also really great, it helped me as a reader to feel what the character in your story was going through.
ReplyDeleteThrough your description I could see a clear picture of the story you wrote. As every step of the way your description described every detail and made the climax of story and twist all the more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteYour piece was very well written and comical. I couldn't help but smile and chuckle to myself. The detail is spot on to put the audience in the moment and feel and intensity of the story as well comedy at the end.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started reading this, I giggled at "birds chopping in the trees" (assuming you meant 'chirping'), but anyways you did really well illustrating the entire story through words in an organized, well-structured manner. This being sort of a love-story reminded me of the romance stories I loved and used to read in middle school. The detail you used captured each scene easily and artfully. Nice job! -Arianna Santos
ReplyDeleteWell done on your narrative! It was a very interesting read as it perfectly describes the experience of going to an amusement park to ride the roller coasters for the first time! The ending was a great laugh and I really enjoyed reading your brief but entertaining piece!
ReplyDeleteThe detail, imagery, etc, make it all seem so real, and I genuinely was completely immersed in this piece, so good job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was pretty funny and I like how there was a girl involved in the dream, making it more hilarious. The irony of the coaster breaking down was also effective.
ReplyDeleteYou had very good imagery in this piece. I truly enjoyed reading this piece and it was also very relatable. -Jeovany Ventura
ReplyDeleteYour piece was lively and illustrated very well. The descriptive detail made it lively and enjoyable to read, plus the imagery within the story made feel realistic and relatable from describing the weather, to almost dying off the roller coaster allowed me to feel as if I was there. The humor in the story brought it to life and great laughs. Great job and I really enjoyed reading this piece.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was very entertaining I especially loved the end and the use of the senses/ imagery throughout your piece. After reading everything and then getting to the end I couldn't help but laugh at your last words. This was an amazing and entertaining piece. Fantastic Job!
ReplyDeleteYour piece was very life-like and I enjoyed all the imagery used to almost bring us into the story! -Brandon Santos
ReplyDeleteI was really intrigued by your piece. For a moment I forgot the title of the piece and I was really rooting for you to get the girl. The way that you described the ride breaking down really had me on the edge of my seat. Overall this was a very entertaining piece.
ReplyDelete- Taja Moore
I feel like we all have experienced that "drop to our deaths" while dreaming before waking up abruptly. This piece portrayed this commonality in a lighthearted and entertaining manner, making it an interesting read! Loved the ending as well!
ReplyDelete- Kezia Mambo
I enjoyed the fact that this piece was very descriptive, I was able to feel the range of emotions, as well as the external factors, such as the sun on your face. I also enjoyed the plot twist you planted at the end, seeing as there was no reason to expect it. -- Gilberto Diaz
ReplyDeleteI can't help but analyze the piece, maybe a little too much. I like how it starts as a dream story that hints to a small summer romance. They say that the "strangers" in your dreams are people that you've seen before, even if it was just a glance. That idea alone draws me more into the piece itself and I want to find out if the main character meets the girl later on.
ReplyDelete-Chloe Bohrer
This piece was really good and detailed. It was also running and I love how the ending turned out. Great job!!! ~ Alec Bailey
ReplyDeleteLol i couldn't help but laugh as i read your piece. Your actual piece of writing although short was packed with more action and a sense of captivation than most other pieces were written with. The content of your story was fun to read as we all have had some type of dream about a certain somebody that we admire and it was enjoyable to read about it in your piece. Great set up to your ending and an overall good piece of writing.
ReplyDelete