Every day, the nine-year-old boy, Teddy, met up with his two best friends, Ryan and
Clarissa, and his sister, Amy, to walk home from school. Each day, the cacophony echoing in the school hallways made it difficult for Teddy to focus. The students’ laughters were deafening. The sound of backpacks zipping and unzipping were blaring. Today was his Christmas party with his friends. At least, that is what he thought it was.
Teddy exitted the hallways and began walking toward the spot his friends typically meet. He continued in his tracks as he passed that spot and as his friends followed. Ten minutes pass. He entered his home, and his friends followed inside. Teddy’s friends waited patiently downstairs while Teddy and Amy prepared their gifts for “Secret Santa.” The laughter downstairs after Amy returned to their friends sparked an immense excitement within Teddy. He remembered that he sent out his Christmas Wish list only two weeks before. The only thing on it included a set of Legos that revolved around Star Wars and the spaceships. He knew that this Christmas party would be the highlight of his year.
Teddy entered his bedroom. The sunlight beamed through the blinds of the windows. He scanned his bedroom. There. He hovered over the gift as he read the note placed next to it: “Teddy, Doctor’s appointment at 9am tomorrow. Love you! - Mom.” He set the note on his desk.
He snatched the gift on his bed. It was wrapped in Santa Claus wrapping paper. He proceeded
downstairs to begin the exchange.
The children sat in a deformed circle in Teddy’s living room on the wooden floor with their gifts sitting in front of them, ready to be unwrapped. Amy was the first to begin the actual exchange of Secret Santa gifts, handing her gift, wrapped in Santa Claus wrapping paper, to Ryan; Ryan then handed his Star-Wars-wrapped gift to Teddy; Teddy then handed his gift to Clarissa; and Clarissa finished the gift exchange by handing her Disney-wrapped gift to Amy. Ryan received a new game-set of “Battleship;” Teddy received a set of Legos to build another spaceship for his Star Wars collection; Clarissa received 30 packaged scrunchies; and Amy received a stuffed Minnie Mouse along with a holiday card from Clarissa. For the rest of the time, the children sat in that deformed circle, incredibly mesmerized by the gift each of them received. Their gifts brought up past memories, and they began sharing old stories of past Christmases, until the short hand reached nine.
The clock strikes nine. The light in the room goes dim. The children go silent. The room goes silent. Everyone remains still. He does not even hear Amy breathing. Teddy breathes quietly and slowly. He reaches his arms out in front of him. Wait. Where did they go? His precious Legos seemed to disappear out of thin air. He looks down to the floor in front of him. The Legos were nowhere in sight. His eyes widened in disbelief. Teddy looks up again. His friends were not in the room with him. A wave of darkness rapidly washes over the room. He buries his head into his hands, waiting for the lights to turn on. Teddy sat alone in the darkness.
Thirty minutes pass. The garage opens. The lights illuminate once again. Teddy looks up. The gifts his friends received sat right in front of him. His friends were nowhere in sight. The
The children sat in a deformed circle in Teddy’s living room on the wooden floor with their gifts sitting in front of them, ready to be unwrapped. Amy was the first to begin the actual exchange of Secret Santa gifts, handing her gift, wrapped in Santa Claus wrapping paper, to Ryan; Ryan then handed his Star-Wars-wrapped gift to Teddy; Teddy then handed his gift to Clarissa; and Clarissa finished the gift exchange by handing her Disney-wrapped gift to Amy. Ryan received a new game-set of “Battleship;” Teddy received a set of Legos to build another spaceship for his Star Wars collection; Clarissa received 30 packaged scrunchies; and Amy received a stuffed Minnie Mouse along with a holiday card from Clarissa. For the rest of the time, the children sat in that deformed circle, incredibly mesmerized by the gift each of them received. Their gifts brought up past memories, and they began sharing old stories of past Christmases, until the short hand reached nine.
The clock strikes nine. The light in the room goes dim. The children go silent. The room goes silent. Everyone remains still. He does not even hear Amy breathing. Teddy breathes quietly and slowly. He reaches his arms out in front of him. Wait. Where did they go? His precious Legos seemed to disappear out of thin air. He looks down to the floor in front of him. The Legos were nowhere in sight. His eyes widened in disbelief. Teddy looks up again. His friends were not in the room with him. A wave of darkness rapidly washes over the room. He buries his head into his hands, waiting for the lights to turn on. Teddy sat alone in the darkness.
Thirty minutes pass. The garage opens. The lights illuminate once again. Teddy looks up. The gifts his friends received sat right in front of him. His friends were nowhere in sight. The
door to the garage unlocks. Teddy remains still as the door creaks open. The sound of heels click
on the floor with every step. Teddy looks behind him to find that his mom was home.
“You opened all your presents?!,” she exclaimed. “You were supposed to wait until Christmas morning!” Teddy looks at the Christmas tree that suddenly appeared in his living room. His eyes return to looking at his mom.
“Well, you have to be awake early tomorrow for your doctor’s appointment,” she demanded. “I’m almost positive you don’t have schizophrenia, but we’ll see what the professionals say.” Teddy finally remembers: he was always an only child.
“You opened all your presents?!,” she exclaimed. “You were supposed to wait until Christmas morning!” Teddy looks at the Christmas tree that suddenly appeared in his living room. His eyes return to looking at his mom.
“Well, you have to be awake early tomorrow for your doctor’s appointment,” she demanded. “I’m almost positive you don’t have schizophrenia, but we’ll see what the professionals say.” Teddy finally remembers: he was always an only child.
I enjoyed your storytelling because you were able to use imagery that helped me visualize the story in my head. The end also helps me understand the beginning of the story. Good job! - nathan
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing. The attention to detail with all of the descriptions really engaged my imagination, and I could picture what was happening in my imagination. My favorite part was when the clock strikes nine, because that felt like his bedtime, and his mom coming back to put him in bed.
ReplyDeleteI definitely was not expecting the ending. This piece was a fun, quirky story that was entertaining to read. -Nikki Cisneros
ReplyDeleteThe vividness of your descriptions and other imagery paired with your varying, occasionally playful sentence structure worked well together. Well done!
ReplyDelete- Andrew Kim
The ending definitely threw me for a loop, and I was intrigued throughout the entire read. Great piece.
ReplyDeleteI like how the story gives you a visual in your head almost like a movie even though the ending was an unexpected twist. Nice story! - Isabella per. 5
ReplyDeleteThis story was unexpected and even with the little hints that were told throughout the story, the twist ending was still surprising and your writing created that shock and suspense wonderfully.-Everett A.
ReplyDeleteI couldn’t predict the ending of this short story, which is why I actually enjoyed it. This piece was really interesting because I haven’t read anything like it before. Great job.
ReplyDelete- Jessalynne Powell
I really like how descriptive you were about Teddy's life, only to find out in the end that he has schizophrenia. That was a nice touch to the ending of the story and made this piece more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteThis story is very unique and fun to read. Your use of details and imagery really added depth to the plot. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteThe ending definitely took me for a spin. I enjoyed the details you put into the scenery making it easy for me to picture everything in my mind. You were so creative with the tiny clue you put with the mothers note. It's obvious you put a lot of thought into this story. It was fun and a reality check at once about mental illness. - Saidy
ReplyDeleteOh wow. I am really intrigued by the ending because although Teddy's mom is calm since she is unaware of her son's mental disorder, Teddy is in complete distraught of the events that just occurred in front of him. This also provokes the realization that Teddy's schizophrenia has not gotten bad as it can be, which makes me wonder of what can happen in the future...Now I want to read more! >:(
ReplyDelete-Jacob Azurin
This was an unexpected ending. As I was reading the story, I was all giddy and happy along with the young boy, but as the story neared the end, it became strangely darker which added to the interestingness of your piece! I enjoyed your little story!
ReplyDeleteThis was dope, to start reading and not know where this story was to go to, then to hit you like that. You did an amazing job in setting up the climax, as well as each use of Imagery to show the schizophrenia. Great job Melanie, very nice piece to read!
ReplyDeleteYour attention to detail was impeccable. I love how you were able to draw me in so easily and suddenly throw in a twist. Amazing job! -Destiny Okonkwo
ReplyDeleteOh crap.....that ending was amazing. It really shocked me, and left me feeling kind of sad, but it definitely stood out from the rest of the story, as the rest seemed to just build and build and build to that climatic ending!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery in this piece was so eye-catching. It kept me wanting to read more and it was so worth waiting for that unexpected yet powerful ending. Overall, very well written. Great Job!! - Lauren Valencia
ReplyDeleteThis piece was a roller coaster to experience. At the beginning, I was attracted by the vivid imagery of the events, followed by confusion as to what happened to the children, all of which was then concluded by surprise at the twist ending. Overall, it was an enjoyable experience. -- Gilberto Diaz
ReplyDeleteThe detail in the imagery used in this piece definitely worked to give it that ominous, almost suspenseful effect on the reader. The end definitely got me :O !!
ReplyDelete- Jeanine Franco, P.5
The use of tone building up to the end was very entertaining and hooked me. What was being built as a happy and nice story eventually ended on a twist and was an enjoyable read. - Kahea DePonte
ReplyDelete